Depression and wanting to be loved

[inmymind]

I just finished listening to episode 170. In it, Paul briefly reprized the story about how he would fantasize about having surgery and how the best part was having the nice nurse talk sweet to you just before they give you the juice to put you under.

I can relate a lot to this story, and how many have said how they use to fantasize about being sick so that they would have people caring about them. I remember one time in 3rd or fourth grade, I must have been feeling a little unloved. I was thinking about when I was in first grade and had fractured my wrist falling off the parallel bars in the playground (I had this miraculous vision of a maneuver I was going to do in my head and it just didn't quite work out....haha). So, I started banging my arm on the basketball pole trying to hurt myself a little. I remember saying to a friend "Remember when I broke my wrist? I might have to get my cast put back on." Oh crap, looking back at that episode today is a confirmation of how I must have felt lonely at that time and unloved. I don't remember what triggered it, but it is nice to know that others have had similar thoughts as mine.

I too have enjoyed the times when I had to have surgery. I love getting knocked out like that. It's such a bizarre experience. I experiment with myself doing it. I try to stay awake for as long as I can after I know they have administered the anesthesia. I've had the nurses ask "Aren't you getting sleepy?" I like it when I wake up and try to figure out how much time has gone by since I've been out. I remember a podcast (not necessarily this one) where they talked about how drug addicts love to have the surgeries just like I do. They were saying "Now is that some fucked up thinking or what?". I don't consider myself an addict, but I've used some drugs in my days.

I remember when I was a kid and fantasized about being hurt and in the hospital. I must have suffered from not feeling loved. I know my mother loved us, and even hugged us a lot and so forth, but not my dad. And, my dad was always yelling and seemed angry a lot. I think that was pretty traumatizing for me (and all us kids). Plus, I was the youngest, so I was often getting picked on and ridiculed, and psychologically fucked with by my older brothers. For example, when we would play football (tackle football),they would pit my big sister against me by talking smack during the games. They were 10 and 8 years OLDER than me. They were probably dishing out the shit they got from my dad and life in general, and taking it out on us. We didn't know they were abusing us at the time. We just reacted with anger from hurt. Those fuckers! I remember one particular time when my friend Mat came over and we had a two on two football game. I wasn't playing that well that day, and both my brothers were putting me down to try and motivate me. I don't remember all that was said. I know I felt angry, and hurt (near the point of wanting to cry).

They weren't always mean to me. They did let me hang out with them sometimes, but I would say that even though I liked that, it wasn't the best thing for me. My oldest brother made me take a couple hits of pot when I was 9 years old. It was the 70's, and everyone was smoking it. It made me feel wanted and accepted by my brothers friends. We would take trips to the snow in the mountains or go to the beach. Those were my mentors. It's a wonder I was able to escape all that. I have always been on good terms with my older brothers (and my two sisters). These were just some of the circumstances of my growing up. As an adult, I have to take it all apart and categorize the good and the bad, and decide what affect it had on today. Part of doing that is remembering the thoughts I had during those times, and understanding why imagining myself in the hospital with tubes connected to me seemed like something I'd like to have happen.

Nice to know others had the same thoughts when they were young. I take this as a strong sign that although my upbringing was overall a happy one, there were parts that were so fucking bad that I had those kinds of thoughts in my head. I often know that as a child of 3 and 4 years old, its part of why I turned to masturbation as my drug of choice to relieve the stress. God, it felt so good.

InMyMind





My parents hadn't believed that I was hurt that bad (I use to fake sick sometimes to stay home....and I did get sick a lot as a kid so my mom was easy to fool). I

[Scratch]

I can remember when I was at a really bad time in my life, every night as I was trying to fall asleep I used to fantasize about a God or Jesus looking type figure who would come down from the skies to take me away to heaven, comforting me in a similar way and saying "It's okay, you did so well, you don't have to live anymore, it's over," Every single night.