So I fucked up today...

[vampedvixen]

I wrote everyone notes about why I loved them so much, basically good bye letters. I don't know if I wanted to kill myself, but I just needed to very loudly say HELP! Then I deleted everyone off my Facebook (which, without a phone of my own is my own way of keeping in contact with people these days). I wasn't expecting people to actually give a damn, or maybe I was-- but people were talking to each other and calling and chatting and trying to see what was going on with me but I was ignoring the phone calls. Eventually, they got someone who lives near to me to check on me. I had everyone worried. All because I was just really depressed about my ex.

I sat and talked with the friend who came over to talk to me for several hours. Now he knows I'm not over my ex yet, and I'm sure a bunch of other people who got the letters put two and two together and know that as well.

I just feel so embarrassed. I don't even know what to do now. I caused a whole big scene. Should I re-add everyone on Facebook? Try to explain? Try to apologize?

My friend who came over wouldn't even leave until he was 100% positive that I was okay, so now I feel like an invalid.

Fuck. I can't do anything right.

I feel a bit better now, but entirely stupid which will just lead to me isolating even more.

[waffled]

Hey!

I'm sorry you're not feeling good. You may feel stupid about what you did, but I think reaching out for help--no matter what way you do it--is such a brave thing to do, and even if it doesn't feel like you did the right thing, connecting to other people and removing yourself from isolation is a great step toward healing. The fact that your friend wouldn't leave until he was certain you were okay is a testament to his friendship and to how much he cares about you; he was there for you in your moment of need, and you don't need to feel stupid--he understands that you're struggling to some extent. It's tempting to isolate yourself, but I think it would be good to keep reaching out to the people you feel comfortable reaching out to and try to get a solid footing with whatever you're dealing with and maybe even seek professional help.

If you want to re-add everyone on Facebook and feel okay doing that, do it. If people ask you questions about what happened and you don't feel comfortable answering, allow yourself to tell them that you need some space right now. Don't push yourself into sharing with those who you're not comfortable with. Explain or apologize if you feel in your heart that you need to, but if you need to give yourself some time to breathe after it all happened before you start rehashing it with your friends, let yourself do that.

Based on the worry and care of your friends, I think you're surrounded by some good people who will help you find your strength to pull through the struggles you're facing right now. I know how easy it is to feel like you are weak and unable and dependent on others when you go through something--I have certainly felt guilty and like an invalid as you said when experiencing my anxiety--but it's okay that you can't do everything on your own, and reaching out to people will lead you to a vulnerability that is fragile and precious and will help make you stronger. Good luck!