Forgetfulness

[ShrinkingViolet]

My memory is garbage, and the constant sadness in my head makes it so hard to think, and I've taken up writing down appointments. Im trying to get better and more functional, and I'm still just messing up. Was going to see a nurse practitioner this morning to restart medication, and I wrote down the appointment time wrong and ended up missed it by an hour. It was mortifyingly embarrassing to be standing in a waiting room just so clearly failing at life. I swear I wrote the appointment down correctly too, i feel so crazy not being able to trust my memory or anything else I do. At least I made it to the street before crying.

[SallieMaesBitch]

For what it's worth in this, you're not alone in this. Your post is so similar to my own experiences I had to double check that I hadn't written this post and then forgotten it

Seriously though, I forget so much and it's scaring me. I used to have a rather respectable IQ and I feel dumber every day. So much is on the tip of my tongue but not in active memory. I write everything down and then forget where I left my notes. I've not been riding the bus lately, but a couple years ago I would often get off on the wrong street, like 12th street instead of 21st and had to walk to difference, that's happened often.

The only benefit, as far as I can see, is that I can re-read all my favorite books again and again since I remember I like them, but I forget so many details about the plot and the good bits, that it's new to me all over again.

Anyway, sorry you're experiencing it too. Long-distance hug.

[oak]

FWIW, I think this is totally normal.

(Whenever I use that word I remember my old sponsor saying: "Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.)

I think you're going to be fine.

[Cami]

I'm so addicted to the calendar in my phone.

If it ain't in there, it ain't happenin'.

Sad reality of depression, it messes with your cognitive abilities, including memory...

[ShrinkingViolet]

Thank you all for the kind replies, and along with the forgetting topic, I forget this kind of support is actually out there.

I guess this forgetfulness is distressing because I just thought I was better than this. Like I'm used to my cognitive brain slowing and misfiring the more depressed I guess, but where I am now feels so normal and functional, not that I'm well, but manageable depression at least. And this is just that reminder of the split between my actual mental health and what I'm, trying, to show and be for the rest of the world.

[Cami]

Are you in any kind of treament for your depression?

If not, maybe now's the time to look into it.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I guess this forgetfulness is distressing because I just thought I was better than this.

From what I've read, this is also true of people who are dealing with loss of mental function for whatever reason. For example, my dad felt exactly the same way and his problems were caused by a heart medication he was taking. I tell people I "got stupid" after taking Chantix to quit smoking. I got so pissed off at my therapist once because he suggested that my always writing things down was a cop-out and that if I actually tried harder, I could remember things without writing them down.

Frankly, I find the cognitive aspects of mental illness totally terrifying. The mood-related aspects are nothing compared to constantly feeling like I'm groping for an answer that's just out of reach and thinking "I used to know how to do that."

Rumor has it, regular journaling helps with this. Not only does it supposedly improve your mental functions, it's like leaving yourself a trail of breadcrumbs so you can find your way back through your life.

[ShrinkingViolet]

Cami - Yes I am in therapy for depression, and anxiety as well. And I'm working on getting back onto medication as well, with these cognitive issues being a bit of a wake-up call for really needing it I think.

HowDidIGetHere - Thats really interesting about the Chantix, I was also on it briefly at the beginning of this year to quit smoking as well. I'd love to hear more about what your experience with it was like. And I hear you about journaling, and its shitty that a therapist tried to shame about that. I started writing in a journal regularly about a year and half back because I realized how I was losing time and memories to this depressive fog, and like tracking my moods too. I agree it helped greatly, and now I'm trying to do better with keeping a written daily planner for the above reasons too

[HowDidIGetHere]

Violet -- the Chantix thing was really scary. I didn't have any of the psychosis or funky dream stuff, but I really did just get dumb.

I was a project manager at the time and my job involved lots of listening to people's problems, coming up with solutions, and then making them happen. But there was one day that I remember vividly sitting at my desk while a coworker explained a problem to me and finding that I just couldn't grasp what she was saying. I could hear the words and understand what they meant, but when it came to comprehending the whole situation and then formulating a response, I was completely tongue-tied. Like trying to push a stalled car with the parking brake on.

The scariest part of it is that it's 8 or 9 years later and I feel like I'm still having the same problem. I simply can't grasp conversations that go past a certain length. It's like my brain has a memory cap for spoken language that's really small.

I'm still an ex-smoker, though, so there's that.