Xmas Family Bullshit

[walklikeanegyptian]

This is just a vent: My family is a failure -- it's every man for himself, since there are two completely narcissistic parents. Now that I'm 60, I've pretty much given up, because trying to do anything with anyone is just too difficult and upsetting. I can tolerate an afternoon with my mom, and maybe throw my sister into the mix, but that's it. So why the hell did I try to get all 4 kids to go in on a present for my mom, who just had a stroke? She has shaking hands and I wanted to get her a spoon that stabilizes the shaking. BIG MISTAKE! One sister declined as she had already bought gifts. The other sister who I haven't spoken to in about 30 years was terse in an email but said she would contribute. It's my brother who's the problem. Totally takes over the project, includes his very fucked up, deluded alcoholic wife who thinks she's been an angel to my mother since the stroke and never misses an opportunity to let everyone know what a heroine she's been (she hasn't, she annoyed the hell out of my mom).

My brother starts to dictate when the gift will be given to my mother: on Christmas day at HIS house, when I won't be there. What the fuck. So I say no, we're doing it in early January. He says no, "we will do it in February". He has to take over everything fucking thing. If any of us disagree, he flies into the most frightening rage you have ever seen in your life. I say no, this is a Xmas gift, but if you don't want to go in on it, that's fine. So he bows out -- at least it didn't turn into some fucking raging on his part. And I notice that if he can't control it, he won't participate. And what's with this shit about his wife being so helpful to my mom? My mom was SO ANNOYED at her.

I'm sad and angry that my 3 siblings can't even figure out how to go in on a gift for my mom. I'm sad that I even thought of doing this, since it brought up all these feelings that made me sad. It just reminds me of how very fucked up my family is. There's a part of me that's mad that I didn't see this coming, but I also know that I "need to walk down another street" and that at least I didn't stay in the hole (I hope you know what I'm referring to!) This is a small incident compared to past blow-ups and such, my brother raging at me, threatening to beat me up, screaming at his kids, my anxiety attacks so bad I turn around on the freeway and go home rather than be in my brother's house.

And the sense of being alone during the holidays, and being so sad that i don't have a family that can get along and enjoy each other during Christmas. One more nail in the coffin of the fantasy that someday it will all be OK.

[Cami]

I'm sorry this turned so sour for you. You obviously still care about these people, even though they make life hard for you.

I think it's safe to say, that a lot of us here have families that one way or the other doesn't live up to the movie-nuclear-family-joy picture. Family is such a difficult thing, because everything in our culture tells us to respect and honour our parents and love our siblings, and pretty much anyone else we happen to share gene pool with - almost no matter what pain they've caused us - simply because they are family.

I'd really love to offer some excellent advice, but I'm in my own holiday-head so I'm hardly one to speak. I just hope that you don't completely burry the idea of moving forward, even if your family drags you backwards.

/Cami