Afraid

[rivergirl]

The past couple of days have been really bad. I'm afraid I'm not going to get better, and feeling overwhelming guilt that it's my fault because i haven't made the right decisions about my treatment or tried hard enough. I know that right now there's a lot of pressure at work that might be contributing to depression, but it just feels like this struggle is never-ending. I think I have a few good days but then the darkness and fear returns. I'm still going to therapy, taking medication, and just joined a support group, but I don't know if I'm doing the right things or if any of it will be enough. My insurance only covers emergency-type hospitalization, not the type of program that provides real treatment. I don't expect to have the kind of life I once thought that I would, but I'd like to get to a point where I don't go to such an extreme of fear and sadness and hopelessness so often.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Rivergirl,

I'm still going to therapy, taking medication, and just joined a support group, but I don't know if I'm doing the right things or if any of it will be enough.

You are doing the work. But it isn't always a straight line to things getting better. Please don't feel guilt.

Please let us know how things are going for you, keep the lines of communication open.

All the best.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, manuel_moe_g. I'm doing a little better after working today.

I find it easier to believe that others don't deserve their mental illness, but much harder to believe that about myself.

Thanks for listening.

rg

[oak]

Hang in th re! Things will get better.

[brownblob]

I know those feelings of guilt and hopelessness. I know the frustration of trying things and nothing helps. It can be a long hard road, but all you can do is keep going and hoping that one day you'll find something that helps.

[hobojungle]

I apologize rivergirl. I wrote a post here that was minimizing your struggle. Your struggle is real, no matter what anyone says.

[rivergirl]

Thank you Oak, brownblob, and hobojungle.

hobo, sometimes I do worry that my posts about my depression are repetitive and not constructive. But I always appreciate having a place to be heard and am grateful for any responses.

[Namu]

rg,

I just want to let you know I'm glad you're here. I've seen your posts here and there, and being glad to see your name and read what you have to say has become a habit.

Having joined a support group seems like a reasonable basis for carrying on a bit, if you can. There are -- literally -- no support groups within a huge radius of my home, according to all the research of myself, my very supportive best friend, and my long-time therapist. I am slowly turning toward the intention of starting one myself, because I don't see any other way to improve my prospects. I fervently hope you will find some relief in your new group. Please let us know how that develops.

Namu

[rivergirl]

Hi Namu,
Thank you for your kind post.

I hope you're able to create a group in your area. You seem like you have a lot of compassion to share with others who might need support.

The group I go to only has about five regulars who attend, and is pretty informal. Each person talks about their week and then gets feedback from the rest of the group if requested. I've only been attending about a month so I'm still getting a feel for the group, but so far it feels comfortable and safe. Even though I've been using this forum for a few years, actually meeting with people who are experiencing some of the same issues I am feels helpful in a different way.

I think having a structure on one of my weekend mornings also helps. Today I decided not to go to the group and am already regretting it since I'm having a hard time getting out of the house.

I heard a bit of an interview with a psychologist this weekend about depression. He runs a mood clinic and once suffered from a four-year episode of major depression. He said that people with depression often feel unmoored and disconnected from others and even from their own experiences. Being unmoored, without any anchor or tether to the world, is a good description of how I've been feeling too often the last few years.

I don't know if this group is enough to help me, but it feels like a small start and I just have to keep trying something different in order to not give up hope completely.

Thank you for listening.

rg

[oak]

I'm glad you're posting here, Rivergirl!

You're doing the right thing. Keep us posted.