Stuck in a spin cycle

[Brainergy]

I sometimes wonder which is worse: feeling acutely suicidal like I have in the past where I replay the scene in the movie "Castaway" where Tom Hanks sends some stuff wrapped in a rope over a cliff as a test to see if it would kill him instantly....OR....feeling how I've felt in the past six months which is like a dull, gray blanket has covered my reality. In Paul's words, I have not felt much vitality for anything.

Every day just feels so fucking mundane. And I'm just so tired of everything. I've definitely got a serious case of fortune-telling and black and white thinking. I'm applying for new jobs to try and get out of the toxic environment I am in now, but my brain just keeps circling around to "what if the new place is just as bad as this place, only you'll be making less money? What a fool you'd be!" It's hard because what I really enjoy doing is writing stories, but ya know, it's rare that people actually get to do that for a living. So every job that I get or look for is just one more "administrative support" type job because it's usually easy and doesn't take much brain power so that I can focus on my writing. But then of course my brain tells me that I'll never achieve becoming a writer for a living, and that I should have spent more time trying to get a day job that was more fulfilling. My fear is that I'll wake up when I'm sixty-five and find that I have wasted my life chasing some half-cocked dream and missed something important that I could have done with my life.

I know that's my depression telling me garbage. Because what is considered important? And even if I became a professional writer, wouldn't I just have another set of problems? I can recognize the ego that is trying to tell me that if I achieve certain things or make a certain amount of money, then I'll be happy. I know that's not true and that it would just make me more hungry for ego-boosting achievements. But I guess what I haven't figured out yet, is what to fill that void with? I can very quickly spiral down into nihilism where I don't know what the point is in doing anything.

Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and CBT are keeping me bobbing above suicidal sea-level, but I've found that I am just staring off into space while life is passing me by.

Can anyone relate?