This week

[rivergirl]

The past two evenings I've experienced overwhelming depression or grief after work. It's scaring me because workdays are usually when I feel better.

It feels as though all of the routes of help and escape are closed or closing.

I have the photography appointment tomorrow, and it feels surreal, and I feel somehow ashamed for making this clumsy attempt to try to connect with a potential date. It seems that someone like me with the struggles I have doesn't belong in the normal world of families and friends and partners.



rg

[oak]

Good news, RiverGirl: you are already a success for scheduling the photo session. That took huge amounts of courage. I am very proud of you.

Feel free to go, or not. I’m a big believer in not going to scheduled things (so long as they are fully paid and have enough notice).

One thing that helps me in situations like this are anxiety exposure hierarchies: if you can walk outside and that’s it, then success. If you can get into your car and no further, success. If you can drive to studio but not get out of your car, success.

Break it into tiny, manageable pieces.

Whatever happens, let us know how it goes.

If you do make it, I’d bet you’ll be surprised at how well the photos turn out. I say this because it seems like karma (or the universe or whatever) watches and rewards those who demonstrate courage. Just my two cents.

[nightcitysong]

That's awesome. Well done for trying to keep routine going when holding the grief on your shoulders. I'm super numbed out this week - just consumed by sadness and pain. Feeling angry at myself, the world, and life. Telling myself "this will pass and better times are coming". Sort of leaning into doing my day job as an escape from reality at the moment - a way to keep me from self destrcuting. Therapy is helping, but it's hard work. Sending hugs.

[oak]

RiverGirl!

It is now tomorrow evening!

How did it go?

(Whatever you did is a success, since you are already a success for scheduling.)

[rivergirl]

Thank you, nightcitysong. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough week. The hug is much appreciated, and I'm sending one right back to you!

And thank you, Oak. Your words gave me a much needed boost as I was getting ready for my appointment and berating myself for ever thinking it was a good idea.

I can't seem to get out from under pretty overwhelming grief this week, but I got through the photo session okay. The photographer's studio is at her house, and at the end of the session she took me out back for a few final photos. There was an unexpected stunning view of a canyon and rolling hills that weren't visible on the drive up to the house. I actually like a few of the outdoor photos best since they include that gorgeous view. My favorite is one where a a breeze was blowing my hair back from my face just the right amount.

Today I had an online appointment with the Brightside psychiatrist, and it went okay. He said that I have treatment-resistant depression, and recommended a couple of steps I can try that involve combining medications. I'm willing to at least consider that option. After that, he said the next options are TMS, ketamine, or ECT. There's a part of me that thinks that what I actually have is grief and loneliness rather than a medical problem, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

Thanks again for listening.

[oak]

RiverGirl, there is lots to like, and to be proud of, in your post. Lots of courage all around.

First, well done for going through the photo session. I am glad you are pleased with the photos.

Second, well done for trying another therapy/counseling method. We just have to keep trying until something works. And I do agree with you that medical and mental health professionals are eager to ignore grief.

Lastly, regarding my plans to try the salsa/Latin dance class tonight: frankly, had you not been willing to schedule your photo shoot, I'd be unlikely to plan to go tonight. Said a little more clearly: you've been a good example to me for courage. We are risking considerable vulnerability by (1) getting photos taken and (2) trying new dance forms. We offer ourselves for superficial and instant (and sometimes cruel) judgment (but we do it anyway!).

[brownblob]

Glad you are exploring options River. Maybe you'll stumble upon some relief. I'm glad the picture taking went okay. Happy dancing Oak.

[Beany Boo]

Wowee,

You did it.

And you had an experience.

And found a moment.

Well. Done.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak, brownblob, and Beany. I appreciate all of the comments & support.

It feels like I did this one new thing and soared a little bit last week, but then crashed today.

I don't know how to move forward with so much loss. I drove up the coast this morning to walk in a different city, but the reminders of the past were so heavy that I didn't get out of my car.

This afternoon I posted a profile on the dating website, along with a selfie since I don't have my new photos yet. I received some replies already, but instead of feeling happy about this, I feel all kinds of upsetting emotions. Maybe grief for all the years I was alone because I thought I wasn't good enough to try dating after my divorce, and also worry that now my choices are more limited and I won't find anyone compatible.

It's one of those days where it's all I can do to complete basic tasks to be ready for work tomorrow, and I'm not sure I'll even make it through those.

Thanks again for the kind replies.

rg

[nightcitysong]

Hey river girl,

How are you?