Taking steps

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

It's encouraging to hear about your epiphany! Sounds like progress!

I may not choose this time to end therapy with him since I seem to already be struggling with maintaining emotional stability and I'm not sure I can endure losing one more person right now. I'm not even sure I could bring myself to see another therapist after this, or that it's what I need. I may try to focus on developing other social contacts/relationships while weaning myself off of therapy.

May I suggest that you don't look at it as a loss (You've struggled with many we know!) which frames it as something negative and out of your control...

But look at it as personal growth, and your taking a step toward something better for yourself, which you deserve.

My psychiatry session was cancelled due to an emergency, but I did reschedule it for next week.
Great!

Thank you all for being here through my saga(s).
Hey, it's better than Television! (That's a silly joke )
Wishing only the best for you!

In CBT, one of the recommendations is to identify a thought or emotion that's causing you trouble, and to devise a simple experiment to see if it is really valid or not. Maybe you're anxious about what imagined scenarios might happen (positive or negative) if you answer some of those posts?

See Principle #4 here

https://psychcentral.com/pro/the-basic- ... or-therapy

But remember, like Paul, I'm not a therapist, just some random guy with daily struggles with anxiety, depression and automatic negative thinking, only trying to help... (which helps me too)

[Beany Boo]

The stuff you mentioned that your therapist shared or made available online definitely seems to pose a problem. This is a leap (from someone else who is only a client) but the deep anxiety/depression around other parts of your life currently, may be feelings displaced from this ‘transference’ relationship with your therapist. In other words you are (or were) trying to distance bad feelings about him, away from him, to protect the intimacy with him.

There’s a fair chance that with another therapist you may not be stuck in that bind. You won’t have to keep heavy-lifting those big feelings only when you’re stuck in other compartments of your life. You can now bring it into therapy.

This is a random unrelated suggestion. With no first hand experience, ERP looks interesting. It might be useful, similar to CBT, but focused on the treatment of ‘pure O’ (as in OCD) for obsessive thoughts.

That’s only if you’re interested in a relatively short term treatment. You might prefer to stay with psychotherapy and just put that risk, of wanting romantic intimacy with your therapist, on front street.

That seems reasonable to me.

[rivergirl]

Thank you guys for the replies and suggestions. I truly appreciate every word, and want to respond more later.

I have an appointment to see an apartment in a little while and it's a gloomy day outside. I feel really alone today, and the messages are helping me feel a bit less like giving up.

[oak]

Good for you RiverGirl!

Good luck with the apartment search. Let us know how it goes.

Remember, in the meantime: you are not alone, and you are enough.

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Good luck with the apartment hunting!

If this one is not to your liking, remember there are many more to choose from....
It's not an all-or-nothing proposition.

And the gloom too will pass!

( Offered by a friend who often thinks in black-or-white, and is in thrall to the vagaries of the atmosphere a hell of a lot more than he'd like to admit.... )

[rivergirl]

Today I feel the heaviness of the grief that Oak sometimes mentions. I can't separate it out from depression, and I'm not sure if it matters. I'll see the psychiatrist tomorrow, but without much hope going in.

Thanks again for listening and for all the thoughtful comments.

rg

[rivergirl]

I forgot to mention that I read an ad for a service called Brightside that I was considering. It sounds like Better Help but specifically for depression and anxiety, and can include medication from a psychiatrist. I want to believe there's something effective out there, but it's hard to know if the ads are just hype.

When I spoke to my therapist on Friday he mentioned TMS and ketamine. I know that some people have success with those, but they scare me. I'm prone to headaches and migraines already. There's also a large part of me that believes my issues are due to grief and loneliness, so that pathologizing them and applying medical treatments seems unlikely to help.

[brownblob]

For ketamine you also need a driver, which can make it difficult. Not trying to be negative, but that was an issue I had that my psych never seemed to understand.
Good luck.

[rivergirl]

Thanks, brownblob.

I'm not sure if my insurance would cover ketamine, and the only likely drivers are my brother and his wife. I avoid asking them for any kind of help as much as possible.

I'm sorry you weren't able to try it if it was something you thought might help. It's awful having to make these decisions while experiencing symptoms that make decisions difficult, isn't it?

[rivergirl]

This is an update on where I'm at this past week. I'm not in a good place right now, so apologize if this is disjointed.

I had the psychiatry appointment, and the psychiatrist will try to gradually switch my medication to see if it helps. If I understood her correctly, she basically said that even though I often feel better on work days, other factors including ongoing suicidal ideation on weekends puts what I'm experiencing into the category of severe depression. I don't think that was the actual clinical diagnosis, but she did convince me to continue to try psychiatric care.

I had a session with my therapist yesterday where we discussed my depression and the continuing suicidal thoughts I'm having. He couldn't have been more thoughtful, supportive, and understanding. After talking to him I felt hopeful and that my condition is treatable. I don't know if I'll keep seeing him long term, but given how serious my mental struggles seem right now, I probably will continue with him for now to avoid another loss.

This morning I had a phone call with my brother that was devastating, and I'm again feeling a loss of hope. I know that it's up to me to find meaning in my life even though it seems like I've basically lost all of my siblings and other close relationships now in various ways, but I don't know how at this point, or if I can. Once my mom is gone I'll be truly alone.

I appreciate having a place to share this.

rg