Safety plan

[manuel_moe_g]

You are damn fine and important people. You deserve all the (true) riches of life. It is a constant struggle, but all great things are. I wish us all strength.

[rivergirl]

Watching 9/11 coverage last night I felt the collective trauma and also the personal trauma I was going through at that time since my husband had just filed for divorce. At times as I was watching the news alone in my apartment I shamefully wished I was one of the missing so at least someone was trying to find me. In November I'll be 60, and in December it will be 20 years since my divorce became final. I don't think I have it in me to start over again in various ways at this point. I'm not sure that life is always preferable to the alternative, although I know I'm probably not supposed to say that here. A safety plan doesn't make sense when nothing about living my life feels safe any more.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry for the last post, and for my failure to make any progress. I should probably stop posting. It feels more honorable at this point to stop putting myself, my family, and anyone else I have contact with through this.

[manuel_moe_g]

Not honorable.

You are a blessing, even if the cruel world doesn’t see it. But you truly are a blessing.

It is a honor to read your posts where you honestly write what is in your mind.

[Beany Boo]

That’s just it; you’re not ‘putting me through it’, simply by sharing it in writing with me. I am sympathetic and can relate to what you say, but I’m not drawn into the drama you describe. The belief - something like, everyone you talk to about a situation becomes a party to the situation - is not universal. It’s a belief you may have grown up with, possibly to incentivize keeping family secrets. To not air dirty laundry, as they say.

When you feel shame for talking about yourself, I am over here not affected, safe, simply listening. Don’t stop feeling what you’re feeling. Please feel whatever you feel. I’m telegraphing to you that it’s not having the effect on me that you’re talking about. The words aren’t… infectious or loaded in that way, when they arrive on my screen.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not easy to talk about this stuff. We’re on an anonymous mental illness forum. But if I can’t respond it’s because I can’t find the words. It’s not because I’m debilitated by what you say. I am processing, looking for appropriate language, managing my own emotional response for myself. Or I am simply preoccupied with myself.

I am also cautious of saying anything that might be misconstrued; of feeding that belief, that the words are spellbinding; have the power to draw me, the listener into your first hand perspective. That you’ve (shamefully) whisked me away against my will.

Please continue talking about painful stuff, if you want to. I don’t experience the burden about what you’ve written. But I am listening. If anything it’s a relief to read someone being open about herself.

[rivergirl]

Thank you Manny & Beany.

I spoke to my brother earlier and that may have triggered the feeling that I'm putting others through something. I said I was sad about my friend's memorial service and he and his wife both attempted to talk me out of feeling that way (she's in a better place, everyone dies eventually, at least you got to see some former neighbors etc.) I try not to tell them how I feel but at times I can't keep it in. I don't blame them as I know we all act out of the way we were brought up and we have different levels of tolerance for expressions of emotions.

I'm mostly just disappointed in myself for being unable to take better care of my mental health.

[Beany Boo]

Nice.

I think if I were you’re sister-in-law I would appreciate the level of understanding you brought just now.

Somehow, your feeling of disappointment is a relief to me.

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for posting. Please continue to post, as much as you like.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak and Beany.

My goal right now is to make it through the next couple of months at work until the stress eases enough that I can start focusing again on meeting people so I'm not as isolated.

My fear is that I'll have a breakdown in the next month or so and will then agree to some kind of mental health treatment that requires a large time commitment and will cause problems with my work and my employer, and possibly won't help anyway since my depression seems to be mostly situational. Yesterday I spoke to a therapist at my insurance company and she recommended an intensive outpatient program for depression.

Thanks again for listening.

[oak]

Yes, both intensive and outpatient sound good.

You’ll want to stay ahead of this, and that appears to be an excellent choice.

I hope you get some relief soon.