So scared of my depression right now

[Beany Boo]

You got it

[rivergirl]

An update ... The new medication was approved by my insurance and I've been taking a higher dose but I don't think it's helping. I've had one session with a new therapist. I'm not sure if he's a good fit for me and I'm scared that I'm not going to get the right help in time. I'm still doing things to try to get better. Just feeling so alone & so far down the last few days.

My older sister has been providing emotional support to me the past few months. I've been really grateful for that. I just found out yesterday she has to move out of her living situation. She has a history of unstable living situations, and is retired and very low income. I'm worried about where she will go now, both for her, and selfishly, for me.

This afternoon I called & left a message for my most recent ex who cut off communication with me last year, even though I'm sure he won't call me back. I also called my ex-husband's parents to get his phone number and left him a message asking him to call me. I had not spoken to my ex-husband's parents or him in about 8 years. Those were both acts of desperation. I don't know what I would even say. I don't want him to know how badly I'm doing. It hurt so much hearing my ex-husband's parent's voices and I felt so guilty calling them after all this time just to get his phone number. His mom said she loves me and I said I love them, but I'm sure they think it's weird and probably wrong that I called.

I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm sorry for writing that. I'm not giving up yet, I don't think. I just can't see any way out right now.

rivergirl

[oak]

Thanks for sharing. Keep using your words.

[brownblob]

Keep hanging in there Rivergirl.
I've been down this week too. I don't have any magic words for words. I know that desperate feeling and I hope you find someone you can talk to.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak & Brownblob. I'm sorry you're having a down week too, Brown.

My ex-husband called me back this evening and we talked for a couple of hours. He was very kind and actually apologized to me for some things he did when ending our marriage. It feels surreal having talked to him after such a long time and I'm feeling intense grief and also shame for having called. I'm just trying to be thankful that he was kind & not angry at me for calling.

I feel like I'm two different people. The one who made those calls today and can't seem to stop talking about what's wrong, and the normal me who is horrified by my behavior and all this self-disclosure.



rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl,

Good evening

What you have done sounds very difficult.

If because of that, it takes you a while to return to a safe place in yourself then that is okay. Go through the grief.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Beany.

I barely slept & when I did was dreaming about my ex-husband. Then my sister woke me with an early phone call saying she is moving a couple of towns away to escape her current situation. I am exhausted and will miss a meeting at work this morning.

I'm trying not to judge the rest of my life by my current emotional state and what is going on right now.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl,

Good morning

Sounds like you were a good wife

But housing emotions that he can't deal with himself, for him, is not a wife's job. You end up looking unstable because you can't manage the relationship for the both of you.

You have done nothing wrong. Unfortunately it's the case that a large number of men expect the woman not only to manage the finances but all the uncomfortable emotions as well; on their own.

You were a good wife and could be again if you wanted to, to someone willing to share, and take responsibility for their own emotions.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your kind thoughts, Beany. I remember my ex-husband saying that one reason he was attracted to me was because I felt things deeply, while he tended to be more numb to his emotions. I do know that I made my own serious mistakes in the marriage and I would do some things differently if I ever had the chance to get married again.

[rivergirl]

Something seems to have shifted for me in the last week. I've been on a new medication called Pristiq and I've had my third visit with my new therapist. I don't know what has helped but I'm not feeling quite so lost. I still feel deeply sad & today very weepy but I don't feel suicidal and my body seems to getting back into normal sleeping and eating cycles. I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet but I can see a bit of sunlight trickling through the canopy of trees above my head.

I'm grateful to all of you who responded when I was in my worst low recently. It still amazes me that strangers on this forum are so open-hearted and kind.


rivergirl