YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hey there guys,

I suffer from major depression and some anxiety. Just this past Saturday, I was out at a late night horror movie at a local theater. I went by myself, was prepared to sit down in a somewhat crowded old movie theater and watch a badly dubbed, probably more than gory, Italian nightmare.

Suddenly, part way through the movie, when nothing gruesome was going on, I was suddenly hit with a bolt of anxiety and panic that I never had felt before. I was so shocked that I even yelled out and grabbed the empty seat next to me. What came into my head was this, not a voice more just a collection of thoughts, "You do know, one day you're going to die. This isn't something that's going to happen to everyone else and not you. One day, you'll cease to exist. There's nothing you can do about it, and the older you get, the faster time will feel like it's going by, and the quicker you'll feel that you're reaching an inevitable end."

I'm 32, and I had never felt this way before. True, I have been depressed with thoughts of death. But they were mostly feeling depressed that family and close friends would pass away before me, leaving me all alone. The other side that I've faced is feeling listless, depressed, and feeling unmotivated to live life or do anything or get out of bed, "What's the point, I'm just going to die one day and nothing I do will matter." This instance, is the first time my OWN death, my OWN mortality, has hit me and HARD.

I realize that I'm relatively young, and honestly the folks I've mentioned this to have told me as much, but still, the fear and anxiety is there. I kept getting the same spikes of panic since Saturday, and I've been having a very hard time sleeping and today I was so worried that I was sick and vomiting all morning.

I'm medicated, and I see a therapist. I made an appointment today to see my therapist next Thursday. I'm not a religious person, so I don't believe in some sort of after life that you go to when you die. But, the idea of there being NOTHING once you die, that terrifies me and I can't figure out why. Can folks help? What have your experiences been? How do you cope?

I coped very poorly with it, not so much death as the sadness of a wasted life. I didn't cope with it, as much as I just hung on.

In the last year, I've made a little progress and in the last months, I might even have had a breakthrough. I think, I've come to terms with my anxiety, it's still there most of the time, but by accepting it, instead of avoiding it or hating it, I'm sometimes able to diminish the fear/worry or allow positive thoughts and feelings to co-exist with the worry. This has also changed my outlook on life and death, I feel, I'm more present in my life and therefor, that I'm not wasting it as much and if I catch myself wasting time, I'm more forgiving about it.

Just hang in there, do the work and keep searching for your solution.

I think I was around your age when my own mortality hit me like a ton of bricks, too. And I know of a person whose panic attacks started right around then too, regarding his own health. Fargin's response is an excellent one. I'm starting to realize too, that there's no way out of this anxiety. The fear of being all alone at the end of life and then probably suffering from some disease puts me in a panic attack every single day. I don't have kids, so I'm probably going to end up alone at the end. As for the diseases, all I can do is to eat healthy and exercise the best I can. But it's coming and I can't do anything about that.

I used to have the "what's the point, we're dying" thought a lot. But after fully accepting my depression/anxiety, it's softened up a bit. I can take it day by day, trying to make today a little better than yesterday. I used to feel worthless since I didn't have anything/couldn't do anything because I was depressed. Now, I try to accept myself as is and see if there's a way to make myself feel better in little ways.

I'm so sorry it's gotten you to the point where you are vomiting...I hope the medication and the therapist are helping you. So you say that you are not a religious person, and I'm not either. But I do believe in God and cling to him whenever I'm having a panic attack. I don't want to be associated with the religious nutbags out there, but I just have to have God in my life. Sure, he might not exist, but *I* have to have him in my life to cling to emotionally. Or else, I just won't be able to live this life that we have...really, what's the point? Even in neuroscience, they say that our brain waves change when we feel like we are connected to God or the higher power. So the way I see it is, if there's no God at the end, oh well, I'm dead anyways, but if it helps me out during my existing life, then I'm going to choose that. These are just my personal thoughts that help me.