YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm sick of being depressed, I'm sick of being told to keep trying my best, I'm sick of getting hugs, I'm sick of talking about the same problems I have every week with people that don't know how to help, I'm sick of people telling me they "understand", I'm sick of being told to try things, I'm sick of pills that are making me fat and cost me hundreds of dollars, I'm sick of reading and filling out CBT worksheets, I'm sick of journaling, I'm sick of exercising and meditation, I want someone to fix me and take the pain and emptiness away.

You deserve better than the hand you were dealt, Frootsy. Please take care, because you contribute here with words that we all can relate to.

I'm still having suicidal ideations and have very little hope for the future. I've been texting and calling everyone I can in case something bad happens to me. I'm really scared that I might try to commit suicide. I'm trying my best to keep myself occupied with things to keep my mind off of it, but I'm finding it hard to do anything besides sleep. These suicidal thoughts have caused me to put off everything I normally enjoy doing. I can't read, play video games, listen to podcasts, or do basic things to take care of myself.

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are having suicidal thoughts. I know you are tired of everything, but when you feel like you might act on your suicidal impulses, please call the hotline on this website or somewhere else and get help immediately. When you are at a point of being tired of everything, I don't think what I or anyone else says really makes that much of a difference, but I just want you to know that people care about you. I can't do anything besides tell you that, since we are in a forum, but I want you to know that this stranger cares.

I hope you keep writing so that you can get the emotional support you need. And it's also therapeutic to just let the truth out without the fear of judgement. I'm glad you are calling and texting everyone you know about the situation. If you can't do anything but sleep, then sleep away! That's your body telling you that you need it. When we sleep, our bodies can heal the over-stressed brain and repair itself. Just eat and sleep as much as you can. After weeks of that, maybe you'll feel like playing your video games again.

An update:

I still feel awful. I put in my two weeks notice at my current job because it was nothing like the application described and it's been causing me too much stress. I'm going to live off of my savings for awhile while I look for a new job. My dream job has always been to be an artist for video games, but I've recently decided to give up on that and set a more realistic goal. I've been trying at it for way too long and it's causing me even more depression every time I fail at it. I have experience as a graphic designer and have decided to instead apply to graphic design jobs at video game companies, since ones that translate Japanese games often hire graphic designers to replace the text in promotional materials and design swag for conventions. I think I'd enjoy being around the kind of people that work at those companies, and I'd feel more comfortable doing work I'm already familiar with rather than trying to struggle at a new skill.

I've been going to my therapy/psychiatrist/support groups and still feel incredibly shitty. They generally don't say much other than "keep trying," which I suppose I can't really blame them for. I read "Healing the Shame that Binds You" like Paul always suggests, but found the message too spiritual to work for me. I got the number of a supposedly "warm hotline" in case I have a real crisis, since I'm not exactly planing suicide and suicide hotlines generally get mad at you hogging up the line for people about to do it. This is the longest I've ever stayed depressed. I'm sorry for the rambling nature of this message, but I'm feeling too depressed to organize my thoughts that well.

Thanks for your unorganized ramblings. You putting words to this, will shine a little light for people out there, feeling alone going through similar dark times.

Trying takes effort, sometimes great effort, effort you sometimes haven't got. Sometimes you need to be allowed to stop trying and just be allowed hang in there, while your system goes in hiatus. I want to wish you the best, but whose words can be hard to hear, because it can put extra pressure on people, when they are depressed.

So, I hear you, I feel you, I've been there for a long long time myself. I couldn't just push through it. I had to endure it, like it had to run it's course, had to take time.

Hey Frootsie,
I'm really sorry to hear what a tough time you're having (a vast understatement, of course). Just wanted to let you know that the frustration you're feeling really resonates--so much trying for so little return is really hard to continue to buck. Kind of where I feel I'm at with things right now. Sounds like you have some ideas that make sense for the long-term. You sound like a talented and hardworking guy; I hope your burdens begin to lighten soon.

-gt