YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello good people.

I am really struggling with my loneliness. I am 25 years old and perpetually single. As in I have never had a relationship ever. And I know that I'm young (so this might come across as very dumb to a lot of you) but I have felt so alone for so long. My depression is the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry and I am left waiting and waiting for my time to come. Currently my therapist has been really suggesting I start DBT and while I have sought out some groups - I really can't afford it. I am willing to work one on one with my therapist and commit to the work because I think that I see no way out of this. I don't know what point I'm trying to get at. I guess I am feeling low because I just scoured the "Men Seeking Women" section on Craigslist and seriously considered responding to some of these people.

So - help with loneliness? Help with being single?

It's not stupid feeling alone or lonely at any age. Your feelings are real.

I used to date whoever sat on my lap and proclaimed we were dating. I never really felt good enough about myself to court anyone. I never found myself desirable or attractive, so I'd get drunk at parties and if I meet someone, who said we were dating, I'd say: Okay.

I've been single for a long time and just recently through therapy and later through group, I've begun changing my view of myself, started to think about dating again and I'm absolutely terrified. For many years I accepted being single, because I thought I was a terrible person, who were better off, being alone and not hurting anyone, but now I'm starting to miss having someone around. Before I was alone, now I'm feeling better, I'm also feeling lonelier. I feel, I can handle my loneliness, because I also feel like I'm improving myself and working towards a place, where I'm beginning to view myself more positively, even desirable and I think, that makes it a bit easier to cope with being single.

Start out with the therapy, get comfortable with your story or issues and then keep any eye out for free or affordable groups. Therapy was a great start for me, but groups were really where, I started getting comfortable around other people again and started training my social skills.

Dear Fargin,

Thank you so much for your response. At this point in my life I am having so much trouble having connection with people. I only really feel connection with another person when I speak honestly about how I'm doing aka Person: How are you? Me: I feel like shit. I hate my job, I'm single and I'm miserable every morning that I wake up. Don't get me wrong, there are people like that I can talk to...But I feel like I'm exhausting my resources in that area. When I go out I get drunk and have meaningless interactions. What is getting to me is that every single relationship I have tried to start in my very short time of dating has ended with the dude disappearing. It is hard to feel like there isn't something inherently wrong with me, especially as I see everyone around me my age progressing and moving toward lasting relationships. I feel so far behind. I have been dealing with the depression for a very long time and I understand that it is hard coming out of the depths and opening up to someone. It seems that I takes so much to me to every consider opening myself to someone and to have that met with complete disregard is very damaging to my spirit. I am tired of feeling the way I do. I remember starting therapy a year ago and not being able to handle the way I feel anyone. If I had known this is how I would feel now - a year later - maybe I just would have finished it. From all previous evidence this feeling is never ending and maybe that is the worst feeling, worst than loneliness.

Five years ago I would not have said this, but after seeing five people i know find the love of their lives online, why the hell not? They all have great relationships, too, and four of them met on Craigs list.

As you can see from this forum, people are willing to take emotional risks, when writing. We are all here on this forum exposing our deepest darkest fears to each other. If we were all standing in line at the bookstore, we would not even speak.

If you refuse online, I highly recommend taking a class at your local community college. Then, dont go to class. Spend all time in the cafeteria. Figure everyone in the cafeteria wants just what you want.

Thats how I met my wife, 26 yrs ago. I happened to be sitting in a booth with a man who was transitioning into a woman. Somehow we started talking, and that was it.

Anymore, its tough to meet people. We just dont have large gatherings. We dont know our neighbors.

Dear rc409,

I have actually been thinking about auditing a class. If not to meet people my age to try to better myself and find new inspiration (which I am really lacking). I have tried my hand at online dating and for the most part I am taking a break from it in an effort to put myself out there and engage with others.

At the moment I am having a hard time connecting to others as it feels that all new friendship/relationships must be made with a sense of immediacy. It isn't how it works for me. I think I really need to make the initiative to find a support group and find a new psychiatrist and up my citolopram dosage (I'm not vibing with my current once and I'm thinking I should remedy that situation as soon as possible).

Thanks for listening and for the reply.

Hey! I am really glad you used your words. Good for you for posting here. That is really awesome.

I've been single more than I care to admit, so I can offer the following thoughts, which you are welcome to take or leave.

I say the following with reservations: perhaps one can honor such a deep feeling of sadness and regret. Maybe loneliness is something to grieve. I'm not saying that to make you feel worse, but to say that intimacy (touch, caring, conversations, fun, dates) are really important to one's well-being, however each person defines "intimacy".

I am being inelegant, but I hope see what I am getting at.

May I ask, kindly and gently, how much anxiety/regret/pain you feel about being single? How much anxiety do you feel about taking steps to reach out to potential suitors?

If you like, I can briefly describe what I did to start getting dates.

Or if this is too invasive, just say!

You seem like a nice, caring person.

Also, you think being single is the end of your life, and thats just it. Its over. Its lonely. Tell that to the man or woman married to the wrong partner and glued to them because of the kids. They would give anything, and often do, just to get to where you are.