I've been scaring my husband and not even realizing
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 4:02 am
For the last few months I've been going through a progressively worse episode of depression. I've been trying to get help (while in college I was on meds and had weekly therapy and had to cut all of that out cold turkey when I graduated 1.5 yrs ago), but no psychiatrist will take me, I'm on a waiting list for a therapist that should have called me by now, and after weeks of trying finally got a plain ol' doctor to give me an intake appointment a month in the future. This was a month ago, so my dr appt is today. Yesterday I was in an absolute frenzy. After graduation, the insurance I was on (my dad's) was only good for his state so I couldn't use it, so he switched his insurance just for me to one good nationwide, but I've still been so paranoid that either A) he never put me on the insurance and is lying to me (ridiculous, because the whole reason he got this more expensive insurance is so I could get help, and I've called him probably 20 times to make him call the insurance and guarantee I'm on it) or B) this doctor is going to change their minds the day of the appt and decide they don't take my insurance anymore. These are ridiculous thoughts but I just cannot shake them. I'm also terrified that even if all goes well on that front, I'll get to my appointment and the dr will ask what brought me in and I'll clam up and not say, or I will say and he'll be like "oh I'm a GP I can't represcribe your medication, have you tried a psychiatrist?"
Yesterday I was telling my husband these fears for the millionth time, and when I got to that part he snapped and said "well if that happens I'll drive down there and kick the guy's ass because I don't know what else to do." I didn't think much of it, but later on I was complaining about my temp job ending soon which devolved into me talking about how I see no hope for my future and am worthless and blah blah blah. My husband was being stoic and I asked him if he was okay, and he said "I'm just worried". I thought he meant financially, because we were in a rough spot last time I was unemployed, and I started going off about how I'll go back to working fast food and it'll be okay and he said "no, I'm worried you're going to try to strangle yourself again" and started crying. Though he's pretty open about his emotions, I can count on one hand the times I've seen him cry. Earlier this week I strangled myself with a belt until I passed out (which made it loosen and thus didn't kill me, who'd've thunk it.) I told him about it the next day and while I knew it worried him I just didn't think it was that much. I realized he's just been bottling his own worries and emotions to take care of mine and I feel awful. He made me promise to get on that therapy office's ass for not calling me back when they were supposed to (over a month ago. Which I totally took as a "we don't care about you please just go kill yourself" message from the universe) and demand an appointment. So I'm going to do that tonight, hopefully after good news from the doctor I'm seeing today. I can only handle so much stress at once lol. In return I told him that maybe he should get back into therapy too (he has struggled with severe depression in the past, but after 17 years of medication and previously frequent therapy you would never know) and he said he'd think about it.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, it was just an emotional night and I wanted to get it off my chest. One thing less to be tearing me up inside while I'm worried about seeing this doctor. If you got this far into my incoherent rambling, thanks
Yesterday I was telling my husband these fears for the millionth time, and when I got to that part he snapped and said "well if that happens I'll drive down there and kick the guy's ass because I don't know what else to do." I didn't think much of it, but later on I was complaining about my temp job ending soon which devolved into me talking about how I see no hope for my future and am worthless and blah blah blah. My husband was being stoic and I asked him if he was okay, and he said "I'm just worried". I thought he meant financially, because we were in a rough spot last time I was unemployed, and I started going off about how I'll go back to working fast food and it'll be okay and he said "no, I'm worried you're going to try to strangle yourself again" and started crying. Though he's pretty open about his emotions, I can count on one hand the times I've seen him cry. Earlier this week I strangled myself with a belt until I passed out (which made it loosen and thus didn't kill me, who'd've thunk it.) I told him about it the next day and while I knew it worried him I just didn't think it was that much. I realized he's just been bottling his own worries and emotions to take care of mine and I feel awful. He made me promise to get on that therapy office's ass for not calling me back when they were supposed to (over a month ago. Which I totally took as a "we don't care about you please just go kill yourself" message from the universe) and demand an appointment. So I'm going to do that tonight, hopefully after good news from the doctor I'm seeing today. I can only handle so much stress at once lol. In return I told him that maybe he should get back into therapy too (he has struggled with severe depression in the past, but after 17 years of medication and previously frequent therapy you would never know) and he said he'd think about it.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, it was just an emotional night and I wanted to get it off my chest. One thing less to be tearing me up inside while I'm worried about seeing this doctor. If you got this far into my incoherent rambling, thanks
