YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I think my new meds are starting to kick in because it didn't bother me today! Or maybe it's just because I'm kinda sorta starting to get help, so I'm not taking it as a personal offense like normal. In the deepest part of my depression, I took everything as the universe essentially telling me to give up and die. When the therapy office that said they had immediate openings and would call me to make an appointment never called, it's because they thought I should just kill myself. When the psychiatrist said he couldn't see me until next year, that meant me personally, that I didn't deserve care. When the GP could only meet with me during work hours, it meant he wanted to screw me over by cutting into my already meager paycheck just to tell me he couldn't help me anyways. And every time, for three years running, when Paul wouldn't read a survey of mine, it meant that even my problems were boring and that I am a worthless, uninteresting, unimportant person.

But today, even though I had my usual flutter of "omg maybe this time", when the end of the episode came I didn't feel the normal crushing loneliness that comes with feeling unheard. Again, probably because I finally did make an appointment with my GP, I cut out friends who minimized my problems, I got back on my meds, and I've started using this forum as a resource to vent, but it's a really big deal for me. I know it was silly to ever take personal offense to something so minimal, but it's hard when you're in a place mentally where even someone giving you a funny look on the street means they hate you.

Anyways, no real point here, I just was really surprised that I'm not crying in the bathroom at work right now and figured I'd share the good news

Isn't it funny how we become so close and caring to the voices in our heads (in this case playing through our headphones, I'm meaning Paul) that we can take our survey not being read as a slight? Ovoce I want to hug you so much in happiness right now because you are doing it! Whatever 'it' is!

I too have been in those places where it feels like the universe is slighting me. Infact, I'm there right now just wanting to shout "Why does everyone hurt me when I all I ever do is try to make people happy, bring joy, and help?!" I think it's because maybe I'm starting to get into with the inner child who was laughed at, teased, told she was fat and ugly, and who was made fun of for liking to read and draw, who tried to play softball and only ever got one hit, who tried to play soccer but who got winded and ran out of breath, the girl who had to wear womens plus size 22 because everything else felt constricting, tight and just didn't fit her lumpy little body (i'm starting to wonder more and more if maybe I had a sensory thing as a child because I was VERY particular about things..). And she's just so sad and hurt by everyone who keeps leaving her, who keeps laughing at her, and she just wants someone else to get really fucking excited about looking at pictures of super novae taken by Hubble with her!

Your post made me really happy ovoce! And now I'm crying after writing that paragraph about my feelings, but I want to be happy for you too! Sending you so many hugs and warmth - I would read your surveys.

Oh my goodness, so much of your story resonates with me. I was that kid too, down to the pant size and sports of choice. Thank you for reading my words, and for "getting it" And by the way, supernovae are awesome