Depression & Well Meaning Questions About Children

[Cami]

Right, so I've got a big family function on Sunday (30+ people). It's the christening of a new member of the family. It's gonna be a nice but anxious day.

Because the kid is my nephew, I KNOW well meaning members of my family is going to go "wink-wink-nudge-nudge" towards me and my longterm partner, and demand to know if "we're next".

The thing is, we're not. And I'm not sure we'll ever be. I've struggled on-off with depression for at least a decade by now, and I don't see myself fit to be a parent at this point.

As our life is I don't consider children as something we're missing from our lives, but I'm not saying we won't try to become parents later. Just not now.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just feel that the older I get, the more insistent the demand for me to have children gets.

Like people are afraid I'll miss out on something. Maybe I will. But I don't want to offer a life to a child, with a parent who's as depressed and lethargic as I am.

I'm in treatment for both my depression and my anxiety, but ugh.. I wish people would stay on their own side of the fence with regards to my ovaries...

Anyone else experience this pressure to reproduce? How do you handle it?

<3 - Cami

[Murphy]

I hate when people ask that kind of question. It's just so personal! And it can be a very complicated answer depending on many other factors...which are also personal. And people seem to start asking those questions the second you get married, particularly if you're a woman. In my personal opinion the appropriate answer to that question is "NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS." But I'm assuming you don't want to say that to your family (and honestly I never would either, even if I was thinking it).

I read an article on lifehacker (I think) about this kind of thing, and someone suggested "When there's any news about that, I'll be sure to tell you." I really like that response, because it's polite, but it also kind of says that you're done talking about it for now. It doesn't necessarily prevent the question from being asked at a future time, but unless they're really pushy, it should at least shut it down for the time being.

I surprisingly haven't felt a lot of familial pressure about this topic yet, but I used to experience it about other things "When are you finishing grad school?" (I quit.) "How's the job search going?" (The most demoralizing experience of my life, thanks.) "When are you getting a better job?" (As soon as someone fucking hires me.) I didn't handle it that well in those cases. It just made me feel bad. I tried to tell my parents I didn't want to talk about job search stuff, and they'd shut up for a few weeks and then ask again. I experienced some pressure from friends about babies though, because the second they had a baby, they wanted everyone else to have one too. They were ready, which was great for them, but I wasn't. (I am actually trying now.... Well, not RIGHT now. )

And regarding not having children: There is NOTHING wrong with that, whatever your reasons. I have lots of other friends who have made that decision, and they're totally happy with it. It's not a thing you have to do, even though it's culturally expected. People should stay out of your ovaries.I think the world would probably be a better place if more people (who were able to do so) made an active choice whether or not to have children instead of "Well, this is what I do now, I guess."

[Murphy]

Here's that article I mentioned. Yay google: http://lifehacker.com/how-to-answer-the ... 1747202575

Good luck on Sunday!

[Cami]

Thank you for your words, Murphy. And the link was really useful!

We'll see what happens on Sunday

Can I ask how old you are? You write that you are trying to have a baby now - can you name some things you have done, that has helped you get to a place where parenting seems doable?

I hope this isn't too personal.

/Cami

[Murphy]

No, I don't mind at all

I'm 31, and I've been married for 3 years. My husband and I have always wanted to have children. It's not like the be all and end all of my life or anything, but it is something that I want. For someone with depression, I've always been pretty "high functioning", for lack of a better term. Even if I'm just going through the motions, I've always gone to class, gone to work, etc. So I guess I've never really felt like I couldn't be a parent. I don't know why I haven't questioned it more, actually... I think I have a relatively normal amount of anxiety about actually being a parent. (I have more anxiety about pregnancy than anything else.) I am worried sometimes that I'm going to do some crappy things that my parents did, or that I'm going to pass depression on to my children, but I'm just going to do the best I can.

Though it was partially psychological, the big hurdle for me was practical. My husband was pushing for children well before we actually started trying. I had a job that was low paying, very physical, and with some additional hazards for pregnant women. So I couldn't get pregnant while I had that job. I would have had to to quit. I was in that job for for 2.5 years in total, off and on looking for something else, but it took me a long time to get out of it. And my husband would say "Well, there is no such thing as a good time..." Yes, but there is a bad time...So I've been in a better job for about 8 months now, and I'm as ready as I'm going to be. Though I told my husband that when I get a positive pregnancy test, my reaction will probably be to throw up.

[Cami]

Hm, I suppose I'm high functioning too. I mean, I have my shit together in most respects, and I don't think people realise what I struggle with on a day to day basis (unless I tell them).
Strictly speaking, I'm sure if I had to I could raise and parent a child with my level of mental health I have at the moment, but then that would be all I could commit to. I don't think there'd be any energy left for myself after that. And I don't want to be that person. I'm not ready to be burned out in my mid 30s. I already feel like my life is technically over (that's what my depression tells me anyway), adding the responsibility of having to be a loving and caring parent is just asking too much at the moment.

Where was I going with this? I'm not even sure, excuse the rambling, it's just good to be in a forum where you can speak about these things!

I hope this becomes a good experience for you, Murphy. It seems that being a parent can be an extremely rewarding experience! And all parents screw up btw. But there's a huge difference between doing something screwy that one time where you were really stressed, and being a parent that continuosly lets her child down (which you wont be, because you're aware of this already!).

Did you hear the episode about emotional neglect? That's the one I'd be most worried about, if I was a parent.

/Cami