YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I feel so alone it's just... Painful. I spent all day yesterday with a friend that genuinely loves and understands me. I spent all night and this morning with my husband and 2 cousins that I can be real with and make me laugh. When I am with them, it is not so bad but once I am alone it is a constant fight against that intense pain of loneliness. I can't even articulate this post well because shame has prevented me from ever talking about this.. I just feel so isolated and yet I am fortunate enough to be able to say there are people in my life that truly know me, and love me despite the mental breakdowns and ugliness. i have been pushing myself to do things that make me feel alive and happy, though it only lasts for a little while. I want people around me at all times and yet I want to be alone and can't wait until I am. I hope this makes sense, it's just so bad today.

Hi DownInKokomo
Hope you're doing ok. Just wanted to let you know i get the intense loneliness too. Even if I am with my partner, friends, work colleagues. In fact, sometimes being with those people who I know/think care about me and knowing how I feel inside and how I think about myself, only makes the loneliness worse.
So then I feel guilty and ashamed for feeling lonely and then ..... yep, the downward spiral goes.

I dont have any words of wisdom for you, I'm still trying to understand how to get myself out of the pain of loneliness, while also wanting to run away and not be connected with anyone! Still have some work to do it seems.

I do know that sometimes it may just be one thread or several, but one thread leading to another person who I really think understands and has experienced similar feelings or events can help me get through to another day. So hope this thread reaches you and it helps you hang in for another day/week/month/whatever, knowing that you are not the only one.

" I want people around me at all times and yet I want to be alone and can't wait until I am."

Oh, I feel that! For me, it's social anxiety. I generally like company and I enjoy being around people, but if they're not some of the people that I feel super comfortable around, then it just makes me feel more anxious, and then I just want to be alone. And then I hate that I'm alone. Particularly true for me at work, where 90% of my day is sitting alone at my desk, and I don't have anyone to have lunch or chat with either.

Anyway, I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Try and focus on the positivity of those interactions, if you can. That's what I try to do.

Hey DowninKokomo,

I really felt your post. I now have some really good people in my life. People I can be genuine with and authentic about my struggles. Sometimes the absence when they leave aches like the years I spent feeling isolated. For me the feeling manifests itself in an anxious internal frenzy. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I can now see my anxiety talk for what it is, and when I'm alone it can get so loud. Yet, when I am with people for too long (even those I love) I feel exhausted and need my alone time. I am trying to get to the point that I can really use that alone time to build up the energy I need so I can be more present with my friends. I am hoping that it is like they say just missing neural bridges I am currently building. I have found that sketching has helped, since it requires concentration and alone time to do it well I find myself looking forward too it. Anyway, in the mean time take care. Thanks for sharing.

Welp

Hey guys,

This is late, but I wanted to reach out and thank you guys for your words. Just knowing how similar our thoughts are help me immensely. I am doing better these days, I hope you all are as well

*big, big hugs*

I'm glad you are starting to feel better. This is something that a lot of people struggle with, I think. I have severe agoraphobia and social anxiety, so I've just learned to be with myself, all alone. Even if I go out to the gym (which is probably the only place I can go), I don't talk to anyone. I used to have panic attacks because I got so lonely and would try to reconnect with everyone through my panicked state, but that always left me feeling worse and more lonely.

Like you, I spend time with my family and my husband who love me even though I'm screwed up. But I've come to realize that if I rely on other people to make me less lonely, it's never going to work. I have to rely on myself and my faith to comfort me. I hope you can learn to be by yourself and feel comforted from within. I hope you can look for ways you can be there for yourself when you feel isolated and alone.