YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Sometimes I wonder if there are really people out there who don't think suicidal thoughts. I tell people I don't, but that is a lie.

I'm not actively suicidal, I don't have a plan or a date. I also have this little fur ball of a dog that I love more than any person I know and I can't leave him to this world.

But I want to die. I have told no one. The suicidal thoughts come up once every few years. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of how mean people are to each other, how callous and cold. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being around other people.

I have never lived a life that is stable and feels secure. I don't know if I ever will. I just want to be done.

I don't really know what I expect to get out of this post. I guess I just feel compelled to put it out there.

Welp

Sometimes it helps to put your thoughts down to help deal or release them. You don't want those evil buggers just chasing there tails around your brain.
"I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being around other people."
I love that line. I think a lot of people can relate to it. I'm sure there are people out there who've never thought about suicide, but I think the majority will have it at least cross their mind at some point in life. Paul has some line that I'll probably screw up, but basically you can't control your thoughts, but you can control whether you dwell on them or act on them.
Dogs can be good therapists sometimes.

Good day Welp. I am pleased to see you using your words, and sorry to hear you are experiencing pain.

You are certainly not alone regarding feeling tired. Life is real. Real real.

To answer your question, in a warm and friendly way, so far as I know there are people who aren't suicidal. Put another way, feeling suicidal is a legitimate human experience. Or, anyone may feel suicidal at any time.

What is more important to me is that you continue to find a reason to live. A dog is an excellent reason, and I wholly support you finding a reason to live thanks to your specific dog. That is an excellent reason to live.

You state that you have never known stability or security. These are important issues that I encourage you to face with courage. And by "courage" I mean "direct action".

Someday.

For today, you have my permission, FWIW, to be exactly who you are. I accept you as you are today, so I challenge/encourage you to accept yourself exactly as you are, just for today.

I don't know if there are people who are not suicidal but I definitely know what you mean. I get those thoughts at least once a week. But I know I'd never actually do it. Four years ago I tried it. I took every bottle of pills I had and dumped them all into a pile onto my bed and started taking them all. I immediately panicked and had my grandma and mom take me to the ER. I told the nurse I wanted to die. I ended up being admitted for a little under a week and realized I had so much good in my life when I was there. I never did anything like that again but often I get those feelings that I just want to die. Not to get away from everything around me but to get away from myself. I am working on getting better. I think that whoever has a mental illness can relate. People who are depressed think about wanting to die a lot I think. And I especially feel that way if I miss a dose of my medication. So I know it's the mental illness that's causing these feelings and like you I could not imagine leaving my cat. There are things we have in our lives that are too precious to end our lives I think that's what keeps us going. Hang in there you're not alone. Are you in therapy? It helps me a lot. That and yoga. Find what you love and realize that you have so much to live for. Life seems so dark and painful from a perspective of people with depression. But there's so much good in life too. Our brains are just wired to block out the good in life. We are blinded by the good things life has to offer. I hope you're feeling better today.