YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My wife has an iron will, and she reacts to a crisis with heightened energy and focus.

(I have willpower like a wet noodle, and I react to a crisis with drained energy and scattered focus)

My wife doesn't believe that depression and anxiety is a thing - she thinks I am just being lazy.

Why don't pharmaceutical companies come out with a pill to cure laziness?

I am doing OK, I am crawling out of a hole as best I can, I really appreciate the community here of awesome people! If you are reading this, know that you are awesome!

I know what you mean. I come off as lazy to others but it's just my depression gives me a feeling of what's the point and I have no motivation. I hardly ever clean or cook and no motivation to work out or finish college. I feel lazy and then remind myself that it's depression and I have good intentions. Therapy is helping me too. I just wish others would understand that I'm not lazy. There's a difference between being lazy and not caring and having depression and being desperate to care. It's so hard

I'm not lazy, I just learned early not to care about my own wellbeing; instead putting all my life force into a caregiver who was haphazard at best, just so they had an average chance of focussing on keeping me from starving, getting run over, bullied, etc. Without someone to continue fulfilling that childhood imprint, everything seems grey.

I'm being glib but there's laziness, then there's burnout from abuse/neglect as a child. And besides, then there's being lazy but also just happening to be mentally ill too.

Funny. I've been lazy since birth, but I'm pretty sure I haven't been depressed that whole time.

Fellow "lazy" person here. You are not alone manuel_moe_g.

Manuel Moe, in the name of kind bluntness, may I speak directly for a moment?



If the two of you can't agree on the reality of depression, I wonder if that is any sort of foundation to move forward from.

Hi Oak, yeah I hear what you are saying.

What I want from my wife is tough love. I want a kick in the ass, so that I am forced to keep moving. I am terrified of my depression "winning" and letting me sleep my life away.

Yes, it hurts when my wife denies the reality of my depression. Yes, it hurts when she belittles my weekly therapy and says she cannot imagine that it is helping me.

But she is hard on me with high expectations, the same way she is hard on herself with high expectations. And I cannot indulge my depression even a little bit, because of it.

I admire you, Oak, and you are my friend, so I want to know your view. What do you think?

Very good, Manuel Moe. I am exhausted so I hope you mind if I am brief

At our age we either have to accept things as they are, or start over. We have to decide if something is worth starting again for. If we aren't willing to start over, we have to have the courage to accept our lives largely as they are.

If you love your wife, if you are a good team, if you have children, these are things to weigh.

I remember I was a juror in 2001. The defense attorney illustrated reasonable doubt with several dozen paperclips: he explained that even if there were a dozen paperclips on one side, if there was even one paperclip on the side of reasonable doubt, we should vote not guilty.

Perhaps that is analogous to your situation: is one paperclip of, frankly, a deep disconnect (ie the existence of depression) of a reasonable doubt.

Only you can decide this.

Either have the courage to start over in your romantic/intimate life, or have the courage to face your life as fate/God/your choices have created.

For all his manifold faults, Mr. Depression, like his equally reprehensible cousin Mr. Poverty, is completely egalitarian: while it gives me no pleasure to say this, your wife should bite her tongue, as Mr. Depression is liable to strike anyone at any time. He can even strike people who don't believe in him. While I don't want your wife to experience depression (far from it!), each of us living people are candidates to fall into Mr. Depression's icy hands. This may give her some empathy and compassion for your struggle.

If you ask me, I'd say to stay with your wife, especially if you have been together for some time. Just that is no more, and no less, than one opinion.

What I am certain of is that you will need to face this with courage.

Courage is the only answer.

(Unsolicited opinion warning)

MMG, I think what John Oliver said about climate change also applies to depression: it doesn't matter that only 60% of Americans believe it's real. You don't take a poll on a fact.

There are people who believe that vaccines cause autism (they don't) or that eating a different diet can cure cancer (it can't). You have an actual, verifiable illness called depression and that's no more affected by the opinions of others than is the fact that a square is a parallelogram with four equal sides and four equal angles. It just is.

I'm sorry your wife doesn't accept that you have an actual illness. I think some people are just more threatened than others by things like chronic, sometimes debilitating illnesses. Those people are usually the ones who deny it exists or tell you that you somehow brought it on yourself, or any other really painful things. Hopefully, having this place to come and speak your truth to people who get it helps, though.

Pax.