YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

During my chores and showering/drying-off, I wish I could just turn off my mind and continue my actions just like a robot. I don't know why just having my head turned on is so painful. Does anyone else relate?

I had not considered this until you wrote it here, Manuel Moe, and yes. Yes, I wish I was a robot sometime.

Sometimes I also wonder if I died a really long time ago, but that could be something else.

Unfortunately, I have at times detatched/depersonalized and felt like a robot. It's not a good feeling. I felt like my body wasn't me and I was just somewhere in a little box in my head, while this robot body just went through the motions. I guess I can't explain it well, but being robot ain't all it's cracked up to be.

I've had this thought at times over the past couple of years, including when I woke up this morning. Being awake is so painful at times, yet I don't want to hurt my family by taking my life, so I've sometimes wished that I could go on living while not actually being conscious.

What you describe sounds awful, brownblob. I hope you're not still experiencing those feelings.

hi rivergirl
No, the last time I felt that way was last December. I'm hoping I don't feel it again.

I do wish it sometimes but robots for me have come to represent pure humility; letting go, no ego, life without a net. There are certain passes where you can't look around or look down for sheer terror of what you might see; just move forward; ambulate like a robot.

Having said that, in those in between places like bathrooms, buses, empty corridors I'm aware I am hypoventilating (shallow breathing); aware that, at some point in my future there is a full blown panic.

I've gotten to the point though where I can dare to breathe easily in the shower; that the threat is not there; or rather goes if I breathe easily. It's a victory.