Bad thoughts

[rivergirl]

I didn't go to work today and my mind keeps turning to ending my life and wishing I had the courage to do it. I don't want to hurt my family but I wonder if I'll hurt them more by continuing to be this depressed. The thought of even trying to do anything to help myself again feels overwhelming, and it feels too painful just to be awake.

I made an appointment to see my therapist this evening, but I don't think it will help. I used to think that if someone was depressed and reached out for help, that they would get better. Now I know that it doesn't always work. I know a lot of people do get better, but I think maybe at this point in my life and with my circumstances, it just isn't possible for me.

I'm sorry for posting such negative thoughts.

rivergirl

[oak]

Thanks for posting.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Whenever I think it's too late for me (which is fairly often), I'm reminded of the story of Angulimala, the murderer who became a Buddhist saint.

Short version: Angulimala is tricked by his teacher into agreeing to collect 1,000 pinkies as thanks for his education. When he has collected 999 of them, he meets the Buddha. Through the Buddha's mental power, he is able to keep Angulimala from killing him and instead entices him to become a monk.

Through the rest of his life, Angulimala was frequently abused as a result of his evil past, but he was steadfast in his spirit and reached nirvana before he died.

I don't know why that story comes back so often. I guess because if someone who killed almost a thousand people was able to find peace, there's a chance for me.

[Beany Boo]

Grief.

You want something that is lost. You'd rather lose yourself than let it go.

Let it go and you'll get yourself back. It doesn't make any sense but it's just true.

Your therapist can't help you unless you give him your trust. Not all of your trust, just more than you are now. Let him take care of you.

Your family's feelings about you are not your responsibility; they must learn to manage them on their own or, you must teach them to.

Nobody gets better. No-one gets back to the way they were. They let go of that as a prospect. And they recover from its loss; and learn, profoundly in its absence.

And your recovery, from the inside, looks different from everyone else's.

But it's not even possible until you loosen your grip. No new information can get in.

Your words are not negative; they are locked in grief.

[ncj]

Thinking of you, rivergirl. You are not alone in your thoughts - thank you for expressing them.

Big hug,

- nj

[oak]

You made it Wednesday.

How is it going? How are you?

Any better?

[oak]

It is Saturday. Did you make through this week okay?

[rivergirl]

Thank you, HDIGH, nj, oak, Beany. I still feel very much alone, and yet knowing there are people out there somewhere who understand still means so much to me right now.

On Friday my mom had a small stroke, and I've been at the hospital off and on since then (she's 90 and lives with me). My mood has been up and down over the weekend but so far the feeling that I have to do something drastic and immediate to stop the pain has passed for now.

HDIGH, thank you for sharing the story. "Too late for me" is a frequent refrain in my head. I want to believe there's still a chance for any of us to find more peace.

Beany, I feel like you''re reading my mind/heart. I thought I'd recovered from some of the grief but of course each new loss can bring back the earlier ones.

I've been more honest with my therapist in the past few weeks about how much I'm still struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I'm afraid my feelings about him may be at cross purposes with getting the help I need from him. I know that I should probably tell him that or switch therapists, but I don't feel strong enough to do either of those things.

This scares me and also makes me feel relieved in some way: "Nobody gets better. No-one gets back to the way they were. They let go of that as a prospect. And they recover from its loss; and learn, profoundly in its absence."

I'm getting ready to go back to the hospital now. It's another day of the weather that people here call "June gloom". Thank you all again. I'm imagining that I'm carrying your words with me like a flickering little flashlight beam through the darkness.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Sorry to hear about your mom.

I wish I could give you more clues about your therapy. Unfortunately, if it is to have any hope of working, I have to trust your therapist as much as I'm asking you to. Therapy occurs when you discover what you need for yourself, by yourself. If I meddle, well.

I'm here

[oak]

I am also sorry to hear your mother is suffering.

I encourage you to take time for yourself. As much fresh air, sunshine, clean clothes, and good grooming as you can manage.

Above all I want you to get enough sleep, drink enough water, and eat at the proper times.

You deserve it.