YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I think about suicide all of the time, but have never really even been close to doing it.

Part of what I believe drives people to suicide is the glorification of it. The stories are always so powerful. Seeing how much emotion suicide brings out of friends and family can make someone really want to do it. They pour their hearts out over these people. They talk about how great and amazing their loved one was. How they would do anything to have them back.

Well, we don't ever get that from anyone. I think I just want that. The attention, the love, the appreciation, and the adoration from everyone. People who are dead are often held in such high regard. Much higher than anyone who is alive.

Any way to get that without actually killing myself? Cause if I kill myself, then I won't get it anyways, so that'd be kinda pointless. Life is pointless though, so boom.

For me, this was never a reason I felt suicidal. Everyone is different I guess. I have known people that have committed suicide and they haven't been glorified in death. People have talked about how selfish and stupid these people were. I don't agree with that, but just saying I don't believe you're going to be adored by people for committing suicide.

mayomane,
I think brownblob is right that suicide can create a lot of negative feelings in those left behind, including anger.

For me the reason I sometimes get to the point of thinking of suicide is because the pain is so overwhelming and persistent that I can't think of another way to escape.

I'm sorry you feel like you can't get enough attention, love, and appreciation. I don't know if this is true for you but I've found that having depression makes whatever I do receive from others feel less real and there's a painful feeling of disconnection and loneliness. I hope you can find a way to get more of the support you need.

Take care,

rivergirl

Hi, mayomane:

I've had re-occurring thoughts of suicide since at least adolescence. Like you, I've never gone far enough to try it, or determine how to do it. I once tried to research how to commit suicide non-violently, until I realized, of course, there is no such thing. And then I laughed at myself. I felt better after that.

I've never considered how others might react when I've thought about suicide. Quite the opposite. I've thought that no one would care, and I was motivated my own feelings of isolation, worthlessness and deep emotional pain. Considering how others might react has pulled me out of despair more than once.

As rivergirl mentions, depression makes me feel disconnected and overwhelmingly sad. I know, on some level, that other people care about me, but the depression puts a damp cloud over that recognition. I've always found reasons to not go through with it, though, including calling a help line.

What also helps is my awareness that I do struggle with depression, and that the depression is tricking me into thinking these negative thoughts.

Life is never pointless. Adoration isn't always healthy. Love, non-toxic love, is and anyone can find it, in different forms. People who are dead receive that adoration and appreciation in the abstract, not the lived experience. They're not here. Life is for the living.

Please take care of yourself.

Hi All,

I'm new to this forum, having joined yesterday after spending a 4 day weekend trying not to commit suicide. For me, I've never felt the glorification of suicide either. I've had 2 friends that have committed suicide using guns, and being around friends and family for their funerals, there were good stories, but no one spoke about their deaths with anything other than sadness.

In my case, I haven't felt like I was a part of the world for as long as I can remember. Even being in a room filled with people I would feel completely alone. This last weekend, my depression and anxiety reached a point to where I couldn't handle the emotional pain that I felt inside and I just wanted it to stop. I had a full bottle of prescription pills that would've either killed me, or put me into a coma. I was self-aware enough to ask for help, and I did receive it from friends and family. I doing a little bit better today and the overwhelming feeling has passed. In the toughest moments I experienced, when I was sure that I would be able to pull through, I thought about my friends and family, but it wasn't enough not to want to do it. It's hard to explain it to people who haven't been there before, but the pain is so immediate and unbearable that you don't feel like you can continue living.

Hi Iamaghost,
I have been there before and it's an awful feeling. I'm glad to hear that you reached out for help. I hope you find a way out of your hell.

Holy crap I had a lot of typing errors in my previous post. Yay mental illness.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night which was fucking terrifying. I wasn't sure what I would get out of the meeting, but I was floored by how much of the stuff they talked about resonated with me. I left the meeting feeling a peace I haven't experienced in many many years. It's really strange how a couple of days can make the difference between not seeing any way out of darkness and pain, and having hope.

Hello Iamaghost!

Iamaghost wrote:I left the meeting feeling a peace I haven't experienced in many many years. It's really strange how a couple of days can make the difference between not seeing any way out of darkness and pain, and having hope.

this is outstanding! I feel so good about the place you are right now

please take care, and keep the lines of communication open, no matter where you are mentally. All the best!

Yeah, I never saw the appeal of suicide either for the longest time. Someone very close to me attempted suicide when I was 16 and I spent the next 20+ years being so angry and blaming everything wrong in my life on that anger. In fact, I remember getting suicidal once a few years later and then getting pissed with myself for having ever let myself get so "low."

However, since my mental health has completely plummeted in the last few years (and I've made at least one good faith suicide attempt myself), I find myself much more sympathetic. All the things that people talk about—the seemingly endless nature of the pain, the feeling of utter futility—knowing them from the inside out now gives me a very different perspective. I still get scared shitless when someone close to me (or even strangers) talk about being suicidal and I can sometimes keep from getting angry to cover it up.

Basically, what seemed like such a straightforward topic once has become extremely complicated for me in recent years. I think it's better that way.

We need a 12Step group to go to like AA, but for depression and suicide. Just keep going to meetings until something clicks. AA has so many cliches, and they fit into your life in different ways. They have members that will at least sit beside you for n hour. Free coffee, and maybe a person that acknowledges you got out of bed that day. Yeah, I would go to a DA group.