Stuck in a spin cycle
Posted: January 23rd, 2018, 3:24 pm
I sometimes wonder which is worse: feeling acutely suicidal like I have in the past where I replay the scene in the movie "Castaway" where Tom Hanks sends some stuff wrapped in a rope over a cliff as a test to see if it would kill him instantly....OR....feeling how I've felt in the past six months which is like a dull, gray blanket has covered my reality. In Paul's words, I have not felt much vitality for anything.
Every day just feels so fucking mundane. And I'm just so tired of everything. I've definitely got a serious case of fortune-telling and black and white thinking. I'm applying for new jobs to try and get out of the toxic environment I am in now, but my brain just keeps circling around to "what if the new place is just as bad as this place, only you'll be making less money? What a fool you'd be!" It's hard because what I really enjoy doing is writing stories, but ya know, it's rare that people actually get to do that for a living. So every job that I get or look for is just one more "administrative support" type job because it's usually easy and doesn't take much brain power so that I can focus on my writing. But then of course my brain tells me that I'll never achieve becoming a writer for a living, and that I should have spent more time trying to get a day job that was more fulfilling. My fear is that I'll wake up when I'm sixty-five and find that I have wasted my life chasing some half-cocked dream and missed something important that I could have done with my life.
I know that's my depression telling me garbage. Because what is considered important? And even if I became a professional writer, wouldn't I just have another set of problems? I can recognize the ego that is trying to tell me that if I achieve certain things or make a certain amount of money, then I'll be happy. I know that's not true and that it would just make me more hungry for ego-boosting achievements. But I guess what I haven't figured out yet, is what to fill that void with? I can very quickly spiral down into nihilism where I don't know what the point is in doing anything.
Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and CBT are keeping me bobbing above suicidal sea-level, but I've found that I am just staring off into space while life is passing me by.
Can anyone relate?
Every day just feels so fucking mundane. And I'm just so tired of everything. I've definitely got a serious case of fortune-telling and black and white thinking. I'm applying for new jobs to try and get out of the toxic environment I am in now, but my brain just keeps circling around to "what if the new place is just as bad as this place, only you'll be making less money? What a fool you'd be!" It's hard because what I really enjoy doing is writing stories, but ya know, it's rare that people actually get to do that for a living. So every job that I get or look for is just one more "administrative support" type job because it's usually easy and doesn't take much brain power so that I can focus on my writing. But then of course my brain tells me that I'll never achieve becoming a writer for a living, and that I should have spent more time trying to get a day job that was more fulfilling. My fear is that I'll wake up when I'm sixty-five and find that I have wasted my life chasing some half-cocked dream and missed something important that I could have done with my life.
I know that's my depression telling me garbage. Because what is considered important? And even if I became a professional writer, wouldn't I just have another set of problems? I can recognize the ego that is trying to tell me that if I achieve certain things or make a certain amount of money, then I'll be happy. I know that's not true and that it would just make me more hungry for ego-boosting achievements. But I guess what I haven't figured out yet, is what to fill that void with? I can very quickly spiral down into nihilism where I don't know what the point is in doing anything.
Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and CBT are keeping me bobbing above suicidal sea-level, but I've found that I am just staring off into space while life is passing me by.
Can anyone relate?