The pain of being a social pariah

[weirdbydefault]

I am a social pariah.
I was completely messed up from my time in school. I was physically and psychologically abused by three teachers and bullied by my classmates for my whole time at school. I came to understand that what I went through traumatized me and I have C-PTSD from the daily abuse I experienced there. They did a lot of horrible things but not a great deal of physical abuse like getting beaten up. Everyday the boys called me homophobic slurs, ugly, and that I looked like a man or some animal like a dog or horse, which destroyed my mentality and sense of self. I asked my parents if I could continue high school through correspondence but they wouldn't allow it and told me to stick it out til the end. The school counsellor told me really "helpful" stuff like to hold my chin up when, don't hunch and "ignore it." They went after me anyway.

The worst thing they did though was in my final year of school when the bullying was finally calming down because people were gaining some maturity. I thought It was getting better.

I went to college for 3 and half years, my mental health improved somewhat, I felt like my own person with a semblance of an identity and like maybe I was worthy of existing with other people. My anxiety and depression caught up to me and I had to withdraw from classes. I moved back to my hometown.

Ever since I came back to my hometown, my mental health has been really bad. I've been struggling to live because I have encountered some former classmates while out in public and they called e the same exact horrible things they called me when I was trapped with them in that cinderblock hell hole.
I also receive horrible insults from men in my age group, men who appear to be well off with attractive partners, and teenage boys if I have the misfortune to encounter them.

On top of that, I discovered that my high school bullies made a fake twitter profile of me with the most homophobic, transphobic, perverted sick stuff written about me a little while ago, and it's been sitting there for the past 10 years with 14 followers, likely other trolls or former classmates that bullied me. I know it was for me because it has some of my personal information inserted into it and my high school photo. Above all they wrote very specific insults that they called e regularly, almost like they branded me without my consent.

In short, I still have problems with being harassed and ridiculed by boys and men. Before it was restricted only to boys but now as a woman I have become fair game for men all age groups. I don't get catcalled but instead get called ugly or told to kill myself or get called homophobic slurs. It happens to me everywhere I go. I can't even go to the mental health clinic without a young man in the waiting room calling me ugly.
I feel stuck and have suicidal urges. I don't want to deal with this pain for the rest of my life.

[snoringdog]

Hello WBD,

It's been awhile! I'm so sorry that you're being treated that way and that things seem so bleak for you right now.

Normal people don't insult or degrade others - they must not feel too good about themselves to be stepping on you to get a boost.

It *is* a problem if you're in a small town and can't avoid some of these people. Is there no one you can confide in, or have as an ally?

On another note - while you were there, what subjects did you like in school?
Have you considered returning, or maybe checking out some online stuff like Coursera or Open Courseware?

Wishing you well.

SD

[oak]

Thank you for sharing.

I’m glad you got that out.

Feel free to share more, as you feel comfortable.

[brownblob]

I was bullied very badly in high school. Luckily, once I was out of high school I didn't have to encounter these people. It still screwed me up and destroyed my social development. I'm so sorry you haven't escaped it.

[Franzmeister]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. What those people did/do to you is not ok, nobody should be treated like that.

I too struggle with C-PTSD, and it is very hard sometimes to give me the self-love and -care that I need.

I wish you all the best and want you to know, that you're not alone.

Sending a hug from Germany.