Depression shame

[rivergirl]

I've felt my depression coming back stronger over the past few weekend mornings, and this weekend it was more debilitating and lasted from Friday morning through the present time on Sunday night. I'm feeling intense shame about that. This is what I'm trying to tell myself:

I'm responsible to some degree because I haven't done all I could to mitigate my depression during the Covid shutdown. A lot of plans I made for self-improvement have been neglected, other than taking a nightly meditation course. I'm also responsible for all of the times in the past five years since I've been struggling with more severe depression and anxiety that I didn't make healthy choices and do all I could to get better.

I'm not responsible for Covid and the resulting isolation, for the grief I feel due to loss of family members over the past few years, or for my biological makeup and life history that made me prone to clinical depression and anxiety. I don't see other people as being worthy of shame because they have any form of mental illness, so it would be helpful if I could extend that attitude to myself as well.

I feel most shame for having suicidal thoughts throughout this weekend. I know that I am not having these thoughts to try to hurt anyone else, and that they are my mind's way of trying to escape ongoing pain that seems otherwise inescapable.

I think the shame exacerbates the depression so I am trying to treat myself more as I would treat others experiencing the same symptoms.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Rivergirl, you're doing the best you can right now, I'm sure of it.
It sounds like everything is weighing heavily on you. Doing a class every night is something to be proud of. It's a rough time and so much has been thrown off track.
Stretching a hand out across the internet to help you feel less alone. I'm listening to crickets here in the cool night air. I'm glad you posted.
Heather

[Beany Boo]

If you feel shame you feel shame. It’s a fallacy to think we can control strong emotions.

Is hyper-responsibility one of your symptoms? It sounds like someone forced you to feel responsible for everything, against your will, as a matter of survival. Possibly multiple times during your life.

Just because others lack the awareness to take responsibility for themselves, doesn’t mean they can force you to protect them, from emotional turmoil, they create. Relationships are shared. Some people don’t know how. I suspect you know how to share; despite some bad teachers.

[Beany Boo]

Sorry if that post was unclear. I feel slightly furious; a bit livid at the kind of treatment that left you at this point, feeling that way.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please be tender and compassionate to yourself, rivergirl. You deserve it. Do what you can to quiet those mean voices in your head.

[brownblob]

Depression fills you with negativity and then feeds on it.
Sorry to hear you are struggling lately, but it sounds like you are telling yourself the right things. Have compassion for yourself.

[rivergirl]

Thank you Heather, Beany, Manuel_Moe, and Brownblob. Your posts were so kind and I was able to get through this past week and another weekend in a better frame of mind.

My severely mentally ill sister was diagnosed with Covid two days ago and is hospitalized, but even so I have been able to do what is needed to help with the situation, and I have mostly felt okay compared to last weekend.

Beany, I've been told by my therapist that I take too much responsibility for others and that I internalize too much of the blame when things go wrong in relationships. (Not that I don't deserve blame at times.) I'm sure that at least some of this stems from growing up in a fundamentalist church that was heavy on shame, and having a father who was often distant, critical and harsh in his punishments.

The past few weeks I've started to look for my own place again after almost 15 years living with and caring for my elderly mom. I'm wondering if some of the depression is related to guilt over "abandoning" my mom, even though she is going to live with my brother's family and I believe will be fine there. Perhaps I'm also afraid that I don't really know what my purpose will be or who I will be once I no longer have this role of the caregiving daughter.

Thanks again to you all for the support. You're the best.

rg

[oak]

No.

Just no.

That is what you tell your brother when, semi-inevitably, they insist you take your mother back after they have her for three weeks.

To the extent that you owe anyone taking care of your mother, you certainly don't owe any more.

My advice: give yourself a year of living by yourself to really get the hang of it. It will do you good.

Also, I send courage and fortitude during these difficult times: you no doubt know that it is a serious matter that your sister is hospitalized with this stupid, evil COVID. I mention the seriousness of her situation not to make you feel bad, but to try to make clear that this is a difficult situation for you, and to encourage you to be generous in extending yourself patience and grace.

[manuel_moe_g]

I can't say it any better than Oak did, Rivergirl. Please take care, and feel no shame putting yourself first, you definitely deserve it.

[Beany Boo]

Safety, security, soothing and to feel seen.

These are the four needs emotionally neglected children miss desperately.

You’re doing an amazing job of seeking these out.

They don’t come naturally and family members often suck at providing them.

Keep looking for relationships that simply give you these. It’s definitely worth the search. It will also allow you to rest.