YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I am not doing well right now. I am so tired. I am going way down again. I think about cutting and suicide all the time. I don't beleive I have a future normally so when I go down there is even less to keep me going. I feel like I am just waiting for things to get bad enough to end it. I hate the waiting and I hate that I am still here. The bad part is that I do not feel able to take the final step because I am not down enough to not care if I hurt people. I am sleeping a lot but don't feel rested. I have not taken my meds for a few months now and dont know when I can get them because I don't have the money. I am tired of struggling just to get by and still come up short. I hate myself so much. I am horrible and toxic for others and wish they would let me go.

I know it's hard...believe me, I know, I know, I KNOW it's hard. I'm not going to offer any peppy little bromides that would probably bounce off you as they would me.

Do you live near any sliding-scale clinics with pharmacies? That's how I get my meds and I don't have any money either.

most of my meds ar actually covered. I am on "plan g" which covers most psych. meds, it is the sleeping med and the topamax that isn't. technically I could get most of my meds, but i would also need to see a doc. for a rx. I am just making excuses for myself and want to be able to get all the meds at the same time. also I am not going because right now I would tell the doc. I am on more than I really am. I am going to a clinic and they wont know. I know it isn't the smart thing to do but I am used to playing with my meds and if I just tell the doc I am on more than I am, I dont have to worry about running out. It is just another way to harm myself.

Are you in any kind of therapy?

Hey, hang in there. I'm glad to hear you're still aware of your relationships with others and that it's keeping you from hurting yourself. There is hope. I think the fact that you're here reaching out even though you feel worthless proves that there's still a part of you that knows that there is hope.

no I am not in therapy. I am too weak, trying to deal with my shit sends me over the edge.

Is there any resources in your area for low income people? Some mental health professionals work on a sliding scale. Even if there's a support group nearby, you could get a referral. It sounds like you really need help and shouldn't wait til it becomes unbearable.