YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi folks,

New user and feel a little uncomfortable about giving up too much information just yet. Once you read this you might understand.

I just wondered if I can get some thoughts from some of you regarding my depression and a possible trigger. I'm just trying to find out if what happened was really as bad as I imagine.

I always presumed my depression was hereditary - my grandmother suffered really badly in the 1970s, and spent a fair amount of time in institutions and have electric shock therapy.

I've dealt with my depression for around 15 years now, and still take tablets daily.

However, and I've never admitted this to anyone before, when I was younger (like around 5-8 years old I guess) I distinctly remember kissing my brother full on in the mouth for a number of seconds.

I'm guessing this was based on seeing kissing on the television or something. He's just over a year younger than me.

We also shared a bath and I remember getting him to kiss my bum, or kissing his bum at other times (maybe happened two or three times).

Part of me has always wondered if this was some kind of perversion and keeping it buried was part of my depression?

I'm not gay, I am married and have kids and I get on okay with my brother but have never felt particularly close to him and my family.

But this has started to eat me up, particularly when I'm at really low points. Does anyone have anything remotely similar in their pasts?

DepressedKiwi

I should also note that this was isolated and doesn't form a part of a larger attraction to children or anything like that.

DK

Hi Depressedkiwi,

I'm not a doctor but I think your first hypothesis is probably correct. Depression (or the tendency toward depression) is hereditary. My mother was depressed.

One of the things that we depressed folks do is find things to beat ourselves up about. I think that's what you're doing with your experience with your brother. When I was 5-8 years old I did all sorts of things with my siblings that were perfectly innocent and driven by natural curiosity. Of course, as an adult with depression, it's easy for me to think that I was the biggest perv in the world and beat myself up because of it.

The things that you describe seem to me to be the things that lots (if not most) of kids do when they're that age. When I was a kid they called it "Playing Doctor". It says absolutely nothing about your sexuality.

You said that you take tablets daily. Perhaps you should go back to your doctor and tell him/her that you're having obsessive thoughts. A change in dosage or meds could help you keep those thoughts at bay.

I'm sure that others will chime in here and I think you'll find that your're not alone.

AM

Thanks AM,

Even your reply has helped to give me some peace.

To be honest, even admitting it for the first time ever has probably helped too.

DepressedKiwi

I'm glad DepressedKiwi,

You deserve some peace!

I know how you feel about admitting things for the first time. When these things are flying around in my mind they become absolutely huge. Once I verbalize them, they are exposed to the light and there they are. Just sitting there right there in front of me. And they're not as big any more.


AM