YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm really having a hard time with this.

I'm usually someone who loves to go out for long, brisk walks, but when I'm in a funk (and I'm sinking into a particularly thick one right now), not only can I think of a worthwhile place to go, but I don't have the energy to do it at all.

I feel like I'm wasting my life away because it's the first sunny, gorgeous day after a string of overcast, humid and rainy ones, and yet I'm feeling just dead. I'm shaming myself because I'm imprisoning myself inside the house. The thing is, I guess, is that I don't want people to see me. I live in the middle of a city, so no matter where you go, people are watching you, noticing you, SEEING you, JUDGING you. I want to go outside, but I wish I were just invisible. I'm a foreigner in the country I live in, too, so I stick out like a sore thumb. You can't really just wander around aimlessly here. You have to pick a place to go to and GO there, or people will think you're up to something and watch you more. My part of town has break ins (in the middle of the day, yep) and purse snatchings from time to time, and I don't want to be the foreigner who is observed in case I'm doing something suspicious. >_<;;;

Another reason I am guilting myself over not going outside is because I feel like every moment I'm sitting on my ass, I'm just sitting around gaining weight and losing muscle tone. I'm especially prone to overeating when I'm depressed, and the temptation to grab a snack doesn't help matters, even if I make it a habit not to keep junky food readily available. When you want to stuff something down your throat, there's ALWAYS a way.

I'm thinking about just sitting and playing a video game I got recently for my birthday. I have nothing else to do today (after having been busy most of the week). I could literally just play it all day. If I really let myself get into it, I can probably just stop for a quick lunch break, and might be able to have my sandwich and resist the urge to go for an additional sweet snack like cookies or something if I stay really focused. Otherwise, if I just sit at home on a sunny day (especially since the hot nastiness of summer is just around the corner, meaning I won't have such lovely days to be out and about without being severely uncomfortable and sweaty), I beat myself up about it and just feel worse about being a lazy, useless slob who's quickly on her way to becoming Jabba the Hutt.

How do you just sit with yourself? How do you just go with the flow instead of resisting and struggling against what your body and mind is doing to you? Is it possible to sit and do nothing without gaining an extra 3 lbs every single time? It's a fixation I really need to STOP, this "when I'm not out walking, it means I'm automatically gaining weight" thing. I think it's kind of a sick way of thinking. I have a hard time accepting myself as I am, anywhere and any time I am.

Do you know how to do this? Have you ever felt this way?

Been there, Blustery, been there.

Just the other day I knew I had the physical energy and power to walk ten feet, but I didn't know how I was going to do it emotionally.

I accept you exactly as you are.

Thanks for your reply, Oak. It means a lot. I was just about to give this forum up for dead, so it was very nice to have seen your kind reply.

Yeah I messed it up and had some cookies with lunch. 9_9
Now I'm badgering myself to try to get out for a walk to a local shrine, but...mehhhh....
I'll try to just hang in there. Hopefully it'll happen, but...just not in the mood for gawking from strangers today. :\

Hi, Blustery. Wow, I really related to your post. I feel like that everyday, I'm overweight and walking is pretty much the only exercise I get, and it ALWAYS makes me feel better, no matter what. So it's a shame that I don't do it more often. I'm usually more comfortable indoors too, but when the weather gets nice I can't resist the urge to go out and experience it all. What holds me back is like you said- the gawkers. The people who evaluate you on the street as you walk by, I get so pissed about it that I've started to just completely ignore their glances and acknowledge that they're there. It's the only thing that's helped me deal with these rude strangers who think they can sum me up in one look. I live in an area where a lot of crime has been happening lately, 2 deaths happened on the street a block away from me recently, another one a couple miles away. It's made me really fear for my safety and think twice about where I do go when I'm outside. I try to think of the places I can go where I'll bump into the least amount of people and then make my little sanctuary there. It's important for us to be able to enjoy the world without the threat of being victimized. I don't have any advice to give you because I could use some myself! I would just suggest to go to a place where you feel safe and know a crowd of people aren't going to be there, even if it's a little out of the way to get to, it's worth it if it gives you the chance to enjoy the outdoors once in awhile. Make sure to go out when YOU feel ready and not just because of social pressure since it's nice out. If you can learn to be comfortable in your own skin, then everywhere you go will feel like home

Happy Walking!

I relate to this SO MUCH! What makes it worse for me is the field across the street from my apartment. I see people enjoying the day, playing soccer, with their dogs. I can see the mountains and bright blue sky while I sit on my computer drinking too much coffee. In fact at this very moment there's a festival of sorts going on at the school attached to the field. Kids & families enjoying the community... I've been up for 2 hours and at my computer the entire time.

I force myself to leave my house for a couple of reasons.
Exercise - I'm overweight, and tend to eat my feelings. I know how important it is, yet all I can muster is the occasional walk. So I go with that. I'll download some podcasts and prep myself for a long walk listening to them to keep me occupied. I'm fortunate that I live in a beautiful city so I'll frequently head to the waterfront for these walks. The fact that I don't have a car greatly helps as I HAVE to walk most of the time.
Sunshine - we NEED vitamin D. Even if I get out for half an hour to do some grocery shopping it should help, right?

I also feel like I'm just sitting on my couch getting fat (especially since a close friend is SUPER fit, at the gym every day). I beat the shit out of myself constantly for this. "God, if you just put in effort, you wouldn't be such a fatty" "Do you REALLY need to make cookies so that you can eat 4 of them every night as your 'treat'"... Yet I just can't seem to get there. I wish (so hard) that I knew an easy fix to those negative thoughts, but all I can offer is that you are SO NOT ALONE.

Sending some <3

Thank you both so much for your replies, Jose and MizLzie. I apologize for not getting back to you to reply sooner. I hadn't checked the page in a while, but I was really happy to see your replies!

Last week was terrible, but this week is better, at least. The hot weather is already setting in, but at least I was able to get out for a super long walk yesterday, and another shorter one today. There's a large temple complex near where I live, so I went over just to take a walk around. I bought a few aromatherapy candles and some calming music yesterday because it helps put me in a kind of important place I feel I need to be right now - but that's a story for another topic. In a nutshell, there have been a lot of deaths of important people in my life in recent years, and sometimes I just need to stick myself in the right environment and cry. I imagine they might be listening and just...well....talk to them, I guess. Letting it out as best I can, even though it hurts to get no reply. Still, I think in the end it's more beneficial to have those pockets of time for letting things like that out, you know?

Thanks again, all 3 of you, for your kind replies. I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to do it.
Day by day, right?