YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

This post has stuff that could be triggering for some people with ED. I haven't even listened to the podcast in over 6 months, so first I want to apologize for even posting here. It's incredibly self-serving of me to burden any of you with this post. My boyfriend,the person who's usually my confidant, is getting really tired of my shit and has stopped talking to me for the night. Feel free to ignore me.

I wish anybody could understand how much I hate myself. I have no self-control. I was going to be a writer (stupid!) but I now I have a special ed teaching job. I like the kids but I can't really teach them anything. The other teachers either talk down to me or offer no help at all. They all act like to work in education you have to be some kind of saint and it makes me feel like a bad person because I daydream about copyediting in an office somewhere. I don't have a credential (and I can't afford to get one, especially since I have no actual interest in my job), so I'm not even a real teacher. I'm a resource assistant. I'm not capable of getting benefits and I make just enough to get by. My parents help me with money and I'm not worthy of that privilege. I use the money to binge on food and pay dues for my club sport (which used to make me happy until I realized that, like most things, I'm not any fucking good at it). I sleep and get angry about how I sleep too much to get any writing or job searching done. I'm writing this after just wasting another afternoon in bed, when I have summer school lesson planning, a workout, and my writing to do. It's 9 p.m. and there's no time to do it. The writing and the workout will be the ones to get cut, so I'll be a weak, miserable person for another day.

I'm so angry at myself for ending up this way. On most days, there's a moment when I want to scream and destroy things. Lately I've had this fantasy about starving myself until I get so thin that I disappear, but usually after I think about that I realize that I'm just really hungry and I go get a disgusting amount of frozen yogurt. My sense of humor is gone. I'm pushing everybody away. All I want to do is lie around and watch Hannibal and hate myself. I wish I had the willpower or the guts to either make positive choices or choices bad enough that someone would have to take notice and save me. Instead, the best I can hope for is to live for one more completely worthless day.

Again, please feel free to ignore this. Mods are also welcome to delete this. I'm usually not quite so morose, and I'm sorry to be this way in my first post. I have nowhere else to go and I don't want to call a hotline because I'm not in danger, I'm just so fucking angry and sad.

I hear and acknowledge the depth of your pain. I can relate to lots of the feelings that you describe. But you're not garbage. Whether you can see it or not, you are a worthwhile person. As someone who is currently stuck in his own mini-hell of procrastinating important writing, I know how that can cripple your feeling of competence and self-worth. But that's not what other people see.

I'm really glad you're posting here. You need an outlet for these feelings, and a community of fellow fuck-ups and well-wishers to support you when you're down. Thanks for opening up and sharing.

Thanks, weary. I appreciate how inviting your post was. When I get like this, it's the best thing in the world to have someone just say "I acknowledge how you're feeling and it's okay that you feel that way." Most people give me practical advice when I'm like this, and it just makes me angry because they don't understand that I'm in a place devoid of logic. Glad I posted here.

You are not garbage.

You are a person of intrinsic worth, of dignity.

I enthusiastically decline your apology for posting here; I enjoyed seeing you use your voice, and I am very happy you posted.

I also kindly decline to ignore you. If you have something to say, and have the courage to say it, I will listen.

If I may comment as I read. I speak only for myself, and you are welcome to take or leave anything I say.

Why is it "stupid" to write? I'd suggest that writing is one of the loftiest human aspirations. Along with music, dance, and an appreciation for nature. I think you have prototypes of a higher self inside you, wanting to come out through writing.

You say you "have no self control", but that is not literally true: you controlled yourself to type out a coherent, thought-provoking post here. (Also.....you wrote! So you're a writer!)

You say you can't teach the kids anything? Surely you teach them much through example? I am certain you teach them values and principles such as patience, kindness, and empathy. No doubt the kids teach you much, too.

As far as the other teachers talking about you, I have struggled with that, and still do. On my better days I realize that some people will never accept me, whether I am good or bad. Ergo, focus on the people who will accept me as I am.

Ah! You say you want to be copy editor? Excellent! Volunteermatch.com has 18 openings for copy editors:

http://www.volunteermatch.org/search?v= ... advanced=1

(And before you think "it can't be done", I got grant writing experience through agencies featured in volunteermatch.com)

As far being in a position outside of your interest, and that the job has no benefits: been there myself, and it is sadly becoming more and more common. If you dare, read the excellent series "Hello from the Underclass" on gawker.com to see how not-alone you are.

As far as binge eating, I can't offer any advice, but I do send hugs.

As far as your club sport, it is a club sport because people do it for the love of the game. (Or they should!) If you want to play, play. If you don't, then don't.

You say you are angry at yourself? Been there, and here are two lessons I have to keep re-learning:

1. When angry at myself, I try to offer myself a little grace and patience. (This is easier said than done!)

2. If I am angry at myself, I sorta see that as my unconscious (or conscience?) trying to tell me something. That is, "What I can I learn from this so-called negative emotion?"

Again, I fail at this all the time, but the struggle is worthy. That is, I may not be worthy, but I am made worthy in my struggle to do better.

As far as wanting to disappear through thin-ness, that is outside my wheelhouse, but perhaps a steak followed by a little frozen yogurt would be all the better.

A little tough love, my friend: no one is coming to save you. No cavalry, no Superman, (probably) no unexpected inheritance.

The good news is that you are more okay than you think, and don't really need to be saved from yourself.

See, you have done in life the best you could with the information you had at the time. We all did shit five, ten years ago that we'd never do today because we are wiser now.

June 12th was not a worthless day for you. I found worth in your post, in your dignity, in your struggle. Ergo, your June 12th was not worthless: it was worth-creating.

As I wrap up, I urge you to accept none of what I say. Please question it. In fact, I encourage you examine all of your assumptions.

A voice in your head says that you are "garbage" and that June 12th was "worthless". Some guy on the internet says that you have inherent human dignity and worth and that someone gained from your June 12th.

Garbage or Worth?
Worthless or Worth-ful?

They can't both be true. Question the voice that questions you.

I guess I am trying to say: you have value because you are human, you are not alone, and your struggles to find meaning are worthy of honor.

Oh, sweetheart.

I could identify with a lot of this.

You are not garbage, my dear, not at all.

You're just a person under stress. and you are discovering yourself.

sending you a great big hug. If I would live around your neck of the woods I'd invite you to coffee and just shut up and let you talk.

Stop hating yourself (easier said than done, but still).

You have self-consciousness, which I suppose is both a blessing and a curse.

If you care this much, you're probably much better at your job (and your life) than you think you are.

I do relate to your fears of dumping on your BF. I dump my issues on my wife and I'm pretty sure she's fed up. I don't have a good answer for that. I guess the only thing I can say about that is that's better to let it out than let it fester. When you let it fester it doesn't go away, and only comes back worse, when you least want it to.

Anyway, as they say here, you are not alone...keep fighting.

unfortunately I know what you mean. but I refuse to let my disease limit my future. i don't know if I have the energy or spirit or desire to even leave the house tomorrow, much less date, much less let myself fall in love again. but I think we have to keep telling ourselves we will.