YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My life is worthless. I'm 26, unemployed, broke, living with my mom in the same shitty town I've grown up in. My depression is out of control, my self hatred is at an all time high, I think about suicide everyday.

They say things always get better, but that's pure bullshit. Yeah things get better, for a few days or weeks, but it always ends up going to hell. Just when you think life is going your way something comes along and fucks it up.

Yeah I have dreams, desires. I want to move out to Seattle (I live in Wisconsin btw). But the more I think about it the more I realize it will never happen. I can't hold down a job in order to save money. My life is shit and everyone around me has it all. I'm the fuck up of the family and always will be.

I honestly don't think I'll live to see 30. Either I'll finally end up killing myself after 9 failed attempts, I'll die in an accident, contract a fatal disease, or get killed by someone.

What's the point? Why do I keep going on? I just want it to all end. It's the best thing for everyone, but I know I'll fail yet again. So for now I'll just drag my lazy ass around and bring down everyone around me.

I fucking hate myself.

Life doesn't necessarily get better, but, with work, you can improve the quality of your problems. That isn't the most wonderful thing to hear, but I am trying to keep it real.

Existence is a necessary condition for accomplishment and fulfillment, which are both different than happiness and are both different to having no problems. The work that is its own reward requires continuing existence.

Suicide is a choice different than all other choices, because it is a choice to never have another choice again.

It can be all so tiring and so fatiguing.

Your depression is distorting your view of reality. Depression lets us see some things more clearly, but it also distorts and hides things from our view.

You can take small steps to moving out and seeking a new place to call your own. Seattle is very attractive, but that also makes it expensive. Just moving to a different college town can be refreshing because full of life and hope. Seattle can wait, it will always be there for you.

Please take care. Please use the resources below to find professional help, rosedahlia31. All the best.

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United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

Hey rosedahlia31,

Just wanted to check in. I can really relate to your feelings. I myself have been working my way out of severe depression, as well as serious debt. I sincerely believe that getting better is within your reach. It won't be easy by any means, but it can be done. There were some excellent suggestions in the prior reply. I may have missed it but another resource is www.dbsalliance.org/‎ You may be able to find a support group in your area. With the group I go to the only cost is what we each can afford to pitch in (a buck or two) each week to pay the rent on our space. The group has been so valuable to me and you realize how not alone you are. It also helps alleviate the isolation and get you out of the house. There also appears to be a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) self-help websites available. When you're in the depths of your depression, the language can seem kind of flowery or overly optimistic and the actions can seem well out of reach. But they are really beneficial types of therapy if you can push yourself even just a little at a time. I believe you are capable of fighting against the negative thoughts that right now are making you feel stuck. Just as an example, getting away from "always" and "never" statements. It takes some work but it can be done.

While meds aren't the answer to everything, sometimes they make taking the next steps more doable. And yes, meds can sometimes take some time to get right, but they are worth considering in order to get the ball rolling toward making yourself better. The hardest part sometimes is taking the first steps, believing yourself worthy of the effort. You have a lot of amazing years ahead of you and the sooner you start, the sooner you'll get there. Seattle might not be in your immediate future, but it's not going anywhere and what a great goal to work toward.

Coincidentally, I've been thinking about Seattle too, I've just always wanted to live there &/or Portland. I have to do my CBT/DBT homework every day though. I catch myself nearly every day falling into the negative self-talk traps and giving in to the fatigue. Yes, it's so hard some days, but every chance I give myself to practice "opposite action" puts me closer to my goal.

Please take some steps that have been suggested, just start somewhere. And check back in, okay? You have people in your corner. Sending mental hugs your way.

-Jules

Hello.

May I infer* that you mean "What is the point [of life]?"

* And by "infer" I mean "put words into your mouth".

If that is not your question, I apologize.

If that is your question, I wonder the same thing.

I see it as two questions:

1. what is The Point of Life?

2. what is the point of *your* life?

The other day I was in the park, and saw a centipede.

"WTF is a centipede for?" I wondered. What is The Point of a centipede? What is the larger point? What role does ebola virus play? Flies? Cicadas?

I don't know the answer to the first question.

As far as the second question, you gotta find your own answer. Everyone does.

People have found their answer in religion, politics, art, romance, sports, or nothing.

Maybe (maybe!) the point of your life is to earn enough money to buy a Greyhound bus ticket from Madison Wisc to Seattle. Maybe that is the whole point of your life: just to buy the ticket.

Maybe the point of your life is to go to craigslist to find housing in Seattle, and you stumble across the job description for the career of your dreams.

Maybe a loving God is directing your steps, helping you. Maybe the universe is random, bunch of atoms and protons and quasars. Maybe somewhere between.

I don't know the answer to The Point of Life, and only you can discover the point of your life.

I wish you well.

One guarantee, to consider:

If you make it to Seattle, which I hope you do, I guarantee you meet one person: yourself. Remember the words of Social Distortion:

"Wherever I have gone/
I was sure to find myself there/"

Are you feeling any different after that post and the replies?

I know what you are going through is HUGE - its HEAVY.

There can be a light - there is a light. The problem is that it takes a lot of work to crawl your way out. BUT YOU CAN DO IT.

I'm thinking of you.


Hugs.

I'm in the same boat, Rosedahlia.

I live in a shitty redneck county in Florida, been unemployed for 4 years, I'm attending college but keep missing school because I have no money for gas to drive the 70 mile round trip. I can't afford therapy or meds, or food for that matter. I've lived on tuition refunds and the kindness of friends and family.

You're not alone. Believe me.