YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Just want to vent a bit. Nothing devastating here.

My downstairs neighbor and I frequently sit out on our shared porch and chat and most of the time, it's quite enjoyable. She knows that I've been dealing with a period of major depression and have been out of work on leave for several months. Our building is small, so we generally know who's home and who's not, so she knew I was suddenly home during the day every day. She's retirement age but works a few freelance jobs but is home most of the time, so of course she noticed me being home all the time. I'm kind of amazed she couldn't hear my crying jags.

Anyway, she's one of those people who are prone to always comparing her experiences to others' in order to show how she did it first, she did it better, her experience was more real, etc. I think almost everyone knows someone like this. I never call her on it even though I want to. But I know then she would then know she got under my skin.

Well, Sunday night we were chatting about my situation and why I haven't gone back to work yet and she brought up how she had been depressed and went on anti-depressants when her ex-husband was dying of cancer. She mentioned how she could just be shopping for produce and suddenly start crying. I said, "yes exactly" thinking we were on the same wavelength, but then she tells me "of course I didn't have the luxury of being depressed and not working. I had children to feed." I took exception to her describing my leave as a luxury, especially in such a condescending way. She just kept over-talking me, which she does a lot, even repeating filler words to prevent me getting a word in, saying I had the luxury of being home and going to "happy day camp" which is what I jokingly called my Outpatient Therapy Program. I wanted to point out that a. if it was cancer for either of us, instead of depression, no one would question it and she wouldn't have gone to work any more than I had and b. I have paid into the system for years and I'm not getting anything I didn't earn. Do I recognize that I am extremely fortunate to have had decent insurance and the ability to go on extended sick leave? Yes, absolutely. But it's not a luxury, not by a long-shot. Had I not had those resources, had I not had payroll deductions for disability for many years, slogging away at a toxic job that was destroying my soul, I still don't know that I could have continued to work. I likely would have pushed myself to keep working right up until I had to be hospitalized or worse. And I haven't exactly been home watching tv, eating bon bons ( okay yes, I've actually eaten things worse (better) than bon bons and have played a lot of Plants vs Zombies, but she doesn't need to know that.) Mostly though, I went to multiple doctors, dealt with the effects of several new meds, gone to lots of therapy (2-5 days a week, plus group). She of course, didn't want to hear any of it, her experience defined the experience of depression and that's all there was to it. I know she's full of it. I know she's probably projecting her own insecurities. She's shared enough of her experiences (failures) with me that I could have thrown many of them back in her face if I'd wanted. And how I wanted to. I wonder why we let people like that get away with those behaviors and how people like that manage to have friends at all. I wish I could have ignored her entirely, denying her the satisfaction of her dig at me. Oh well. Next time, right?

I would get tremendous, vicarious enjoyment hearing from any of you who went for it and told off someone like this.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent - hope it wasn't dreadfully boring - my Ambien is kicking in so I may have meandered a bit

God, these people are so clueless!!! She was experiencing situational sadness, not depression.It is NORMAL to be sad when a loved one is seriously ill. This is not depression. As Paul said in one of the podcasts, (and I LOVE this quote!) "Situational sadness is to depression as the Olive Garden is to Italy."

So there!

Taking downtime to manage depression leads to greater productivity over a lifetime than someone who stubbornly refuses to acknowledge a mental illness. Those are the stakes.

The first condition of being able to do right by others is, first, doing right by ourselves. It is a "luxury" to be able to ignore that moral imperative.

Please take care, Jules_rules. All the best to you, and cheers. Your written contributions to the forum are awesome!

Your neighbor and people like her are depressing. Seriously, people who challenge you in good ways are a gift in life but people who challenge you because they want to feel sorry for themselves or feel threatened or jealous, are not worth having around when you are facing a crisis.
Why bother trying to get a word in edgewise? You said she wouldn't let you talk and then you tried to explain to her...she isn't talking to hear your point of view. Maybe she is talking because she still aches because no one heard/listened to her because, gosh - her husband was dying and no doubt she got short shrifted in all sorts of ways during that awful time. I feel sorry for her for that but she is choosing to be bitter.
your job is to help yourself right now. depression is hard enough with out the burden of other people's judgment...
and you don't need to justify taking time to heal, your insurance or anything...not to her.
sounds like she struck a nerve

Luxury? Ha! It's more like something out of Edgar Allen Poe - some huge pendulum getting nearer and nearer to slicing you to ribbons and all you can do it watch and wait.

Jules-rules, don't waste your time with this person. Don't feel bad about cutting people out of your life who devalue your experience. It's BS. It's almost never helpful to compare one's experience with someone else's. This woman doesn't get it, and because she doesn't, she's hurting you. You are much more valuable than that!!