YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hey everyone, this is my first post, I'm a 20 year old guy, I'm preettyyy funny, I even went to the Toronto taping! Woo!
Anyways.

So I've suffered through some stuff, Depression, self hate, probably a million other things I can't remember, always gets really boring talking about. I was laid off in December, which should have been good and bad, because I also took a year off school when I got this job, so I might as well try to go back. I haven't worked since December. It's been hell trying to figure what to do with your life, where to go to school, should you move to a school, stuff like that. I managed to get the willpower together to apply to some schools in Scotland/England (I'm from Canada), and I was great. I didn't start to feel like this probably, 3 weeks ago? I started thinking, a bunch of the schools I applied to didn't accept me, because my high school marks were bad, remembering how I actually don't even like school to begin with, and by the time I had finished work at my previous company, I started to dislike working too.

So as you can see, this is a very unfortunate turn of events!

I can't tell if this is some stupid form of Nihilism or not, hate school, hate working, which are the only things you can really do in life, so does that mean I hate life?
The huge problem I'm having is, what am I supposed to do with this sort of realization? My parents are asking about school and what I'm going to be doing, and I can't think of an answer. I was considering just telling them everything (they don't really know anything about the depressions in the past, I handled most of it myself). I keep thinking that people will inevitability say "oh it will get better!" but I can get that gut feeling that no matter what, it's gonna suck. Like even if I go to school, it's going to be an awful experience because I'm so old. Or if I managed that, I'm going to have to work at some shitty company, paying loans off for the rest of my life. I'm like, Foresight Man!

Has this sort of thing happened to anyone that reads this? Realizing you might be a Nihilist, or anything I described? Apologies for any mistakes, I finished this when I was really tired?

I have been there. I hate sounding like an "old" lady (44), but your brain hasn't finished developing. Of course work sucks and your university life doesn't sound much better, but you're 20 so that's kinda normal. I would suggest exploring other majors or curriculums that you might enjoy if you hated the initial coursework. Prerequisites are supposed to suck. No one that I knew in college was thrilled by it in the first year or two.

You should try and see a therapist or counselor. I remember even talking to my university's therapist and it didn't cost anything. I don't know what the therapy situation is like at the college you will attend, but look into it. Look into mental health services there if you don't want to let your parents know you're struggling.

I don't know how your parents are, but I would want my girls to come to me and tell me what is troubling them. I would hope yours are the same way. Perhaps start with, "I've been struggling with this..." or "I've been thinking about... and I'm not sure if this is something I need help dealing with." As I said, I don't know how your parents are, but I would hope they love you and care about you. And if they do, I think they'd be willing to listen and help if you needed some advice or just to say what you're concerns are.

I hope this helps.

OP what you're feeling is depression, and your realisations are conclusions made through the lens of that depression. Be wary of those conclusions. The first thing you need to do it treat that depression with therapy and/or meds. I cant put my life together when i'm depressed, and i'm sure it will be very difficult or impossible for you too.

I hope this is good news for you. I have studied Nietzsche and all the proponents of nihilism for 20 odd years and suffered from it for most of my life and i really don't think that is what you are experiencing. You have had some disappointing and negative experiences and have reactive depression as a result. THAT IS NORMAL. Endogynous depression is independent of your life circumstances and keeps happening no matter how great your life is. Nihilism is the feeling that life as a concept isn't worth bothering with (or that you as a person aren't worthy of anything good). My advice to you is to take a short break from worrying about your life/options and then try to reassess everything with a fresh perspective. Even if you can't get into a good college there is more to life then education. You are young and have lots of options, people and institutions and employers are interested in you. I'm 42 in a few days and have long felt redundant in every since, despite writing 2 novels last year of which I am very proud.

Anyway, any change of scene/activity is useful at your age, I would recommend getting away from home and things that may be triggering your depression. Go out and see the world and do something new - I never did and constantly regret it now. If you are well enough to enjoy something then do it every day and pursue your enthusiasms. You are an individual not a template, do what you FEEL is right for you, now what people/society/parents think you should be doing.