YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi all,

I'm hoping to find some advice, something I haven't tried to help someone that I really care about that has depression/other mental health issues and has issues with isolating. It has been very frequent lately and I've hardly seen him at all. He is not going to therapy or taking meds right now. I've been trying really really hard to help him out as much as I can but my demons are anxiety/phobia/love addiction so isolating isn't a coping mechanism I've ever used, so I don't know if maybe there is something I haven't tried to get this person to open up more and get some help. He told me there is no one he will talk to about how he feels. I have offered myself, have tried to act from a place of empathy, thrown so many resources his way(including this website and podcast), I just feel like I'm running out of ideas and I don't want to lose him. It is so painful for me to read his messages and see how alone he feels, but yet as much as I offer to come over and let him talk, he keeps pushing me away, which is also painful for me.

Can anyone offer me advice? I will try to let it go for a little bit because it gets very painful for me at times when he is shutting me out, but I feel like he just expects everyone to give up on him and is reluctant to have any feelings for anyone. I'm open to any suggestions. I so badly want to help this person, or lead him to the help that he needs, I just don't know what to do that I haven't done yet.

Maybe there's nothing you can do, and this person just needs this time alone to rebuild. You could tell him that you want to help, but dont know how, so let him know you are there for him if he wants anything (which i guess you've already said) and that you wont give up on him.

The other point is if a person doesnt want to help themselves then its very difficult to change that, so I dont think trying to find books or podcasts or whatever for him is going to be useful. Hopefully he will get back to wanting to get better and gets back to therapy and meds. Any idea why he went off them? It seems like a common thing to do, but its almost always a bad idea. Good luck - he's lucky to have you as his friend.

when I am isolating, I just want someone to come over and watch TV with me, make me a cup of coffee, cook for me, maybe wash some dishes. I don't have the energy for talking about my problems. I just need to know that I am not alone. Try just being in his presence, without trying to "help" him. If he wants to talk, talk. If he wants to sleep, read a book.

In the past, with friends that have pull away into isolation (often who feel unworthy of support), I have simply kept a quiet, resilient presence without being pushy. A text every day just saying hi, a post on their FB page a couple times a week, dropping by with a food item or a movie or something (not to even share WITH them if they don't want the company). I have found that if I prove myself as a friend that they cannot push away (without getting forceful or confrontational to them) then they let me back in every time. I would encourage you to just be and remain supportive as a friend, not necessarily as a problem solver.

I live in the UK and have a totally different perspective on mental health from you Americans. For what it's worth, here it is. For me and everyone I've ever know, medication is not an answer. I am currently on anti-depressants that have no side effects and I can have a few beers and I'm fine, but for years I had side effects that were far worse than my depression (e.g. I took Seroxat and had horrible dreams about raping people and even more disturbing things that made me feel even worse than normal). With regards to isolation, in Britain there is a tradition of seeing retreating from the world as a positive, even spiritual experience, rather than a sign of mental illness. I lived alone for 10 years with no relationship or family, and while some of it was tough it gave me the space to work out who I really am and I have greatly benefited from that experience.

Yesterday I felt like killing myself and I went t see my girlfriend who has bi-polar and is also in a bad way. All we did was sit on her sofa and watch 'Flash Forward' for a few hours but I feel infinitely better as a result. Today, she was incapable of doing anything, so I took her dog for a walk and picked up her prescription; this simple gesture, which took nothing out of me, meant the world to her and eased her mind considerably.

So, your friend who is 'isolating': just ask them simply 'what do you want me to do for you?'. It could be something as mundane as a bit of food shopping, cooking them a meal, watching some TV with them. Believe me, it makes A HUGE difference and is much appreciated.

Hi there,

As someone who frequently isolates and feel as though I don't deserve support, I would like to say how nice it is to see your genuine care for your friend. I think the above posts have a lot of great suggestions like consistently dropping by or sending messages to let him know that you are thinking of him. Personally, I fear that everyone will abandon me eventually so I tend to shut people out before that happens. A few friends refuse to leave; they have saved my life on multiple occasions over many years and now I trust them implicitly. Try to remain hopeful that your friend will reach out when he's ready. Until then, keep the lines of communication open and take care of yourself.