YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My roommate has left for the week, leaving me all alone at our apartment. One of her friends (mutual friends I guess) is alone this week as well because his wife went on vacation. He wanted to hang out since we're both bored at home by ourselves all week. Though, we've never hung out by ourselves before. I always just tagged along with my roommate, and kind of felt like just my roommate's friend friend not a friend of both of them.

It was a nice gesture on his part since I've wanted to meet new friends and get closer to the social group in general since I've moved to this state. He said we would have lunch today, and at the time I was all gung ho about it. I also know this would probably help him just as much as it would me because we're both stuck at home without the people we live with this week.

Then he called today, I saw the caller ID and I got all anxious and nervous. I wish I had the balls to just get out there and talk to people like I want. Instead, I'm here with them calling and trying to make up excuses about why I missed his phone call.

It's like I'm trapped in a cage and the key is in my own hand. It makes me feel so helpless and utterly stupid because I'm not really helpless, maybe just hopeless.

Please don't isolate, vampedvixen. There will be short term discomfort but in the long term reaching out for socialization will help you the most during dark times. Please take care.

You are neither helpless or hopeless, although you might feel that way right now. It is normal to feel some excitement at the prospect of doing something new. This feeling of excitement can translate in our distressed processing systems as something to be anxious about, even though the only signal is one of excitement (there is no evidence of imminent threat). It is difficult doing new things, things that bring with them an element of the unknown (because they are unfamiliar to our routines and habits). Is there a way you can bookend this new experience with support? Can you post here to announce that you are going to try something new, and then report back to us here to debrief your experience? You are not alone, you don't have to do this alone. Our aloneness only makes sense when it is actual fact, which, for many of us here, was true during our formative years. Now, however, we can try new things and build new connections.

I am doing it myself today, I encourage you to try, too. Yes, it is going to feel strange, but strange does not always equal bad. It just equals unfamiliar.

All the best!

IP

Hey there, vampedvixen,
I relate very much to your tendency to isolate. A psychiatrist once suggested to me that I might have "avoidant personality disorder", and some of the symptoms of the disorder do seem to fit me. When I was younger I was so shy that I would sometimes start to believe that I was literally invisible and would be a bit shocked if someone actually spoke to me in a public setting. When I'm going through rough times emotionally I'm especially prone to want to isolate and avoid all human contact.

Years ago a therapist recommended something that helps me get myself to go out and socialize more often. (Not saying it always works as this is probably going to be a lifelong issue for me, but I'm definitely better in this area than I once was). The therapist told me to regard every time that I went out and socialized or tried something new socially as a success, no matter the outcome. She said that trying takes courage and is a success in and of itself. Also, the more we try, the more it gradually gets a bit easier, and the more we can learn what people & situations are best for us. I think the reason this helped me so much is because a big part of my fear of going out was dreading the feelings of failure that I would torture myself with if a social outing didn't seem to go well. Now I try to reward myself in some small way if I do anything socially that is even a bit of a stretch for me, or anything at all that I do socially when I'm in one of my moods where I'd rather stay in bed or on the couch alone for a month or two!

Another thing that helps me is when I only compare myself to myself, and try to be proud of any little bit of progress I make. In the past I would compare myself to the "life of the party" type of people and feel like I almost didn't deserve to exist because I will never become an extrovert, no matter how hard I try. There are also people & situations that I've learned that I'll never be comfortable with, and I've given myself permission to let those go.

I don't know if any of this will help you at all, but just know that I'm on your side and will be rooting for you. : )

rivergirl

I agree about not comparing. There isn't anything one "should" do and it's human nature to retreat if you put the pressure on yourself. Best of luck to you. It's awesome that you are noticing things and sharing them.