When you have no support, things keep falling apart

[Lucy]

Background: Age 5 my dad was jailed for raping my older half sister for years. I was in counseling for that for a year but I didn't like the therapist and wouldn't speak. I didn't speak to my biological father again. I was diagnosed at 7 ('89) with clinical depression and was put on Prozac for around a year. Things are foggy at that time. I just remember being really empty and my sister and mom being mad that I wanted to stop taking it and all the kids teasing me for having to take them, which I never told. They let me stop but I don't recall any 'weaning down' of the meds. That same year my mom married her 3rd husband, they are still married. My main memories of that time were me being the family scapegoat. I was blamed and grounded for everything. I remember being forced to apologize to my step father for misbehaving when none of my siblings ever did. From my mom I remember hearing such gems as 'you are so ugly when you are mad' 'you are just like your father' and 'I'm so glad you are finally concerned about your health because no one likes fat people', that last one was 2 months ago, completely ignoring my life long struggle with diet and exercise and discounting my last year of real concerted effort. My step dad liked to play a 'game' with me. He would take my pinkie finger, bend it to my palm and squeeze the joint/ middle bone while I screamed in pain and my mother said things like 'just don't break it'. Point being- I couldn't trust the people taking care of me.
To further degrade my family relationships, I'm no longer speaking to my sister, the only one I ever felt close to. She is too wrapped up in her life going well to want to be bothered by her sister's slow decline. I tried to speak to her about my deteriorating mental state and was told to 'fuck off' as her abuse was worse and 'it's all your (my) fault anyways'. For the rest of my family, we were never close because my mom and them had already had a falling out and her parents passed before I was born.

Currently- I am seeking help. I am applying and asking for help but keep getting denied, or my case is lost or I just plain don't hear back. Things had been going ok and I had been getting a handle on what I could with no insurance, meds or therapy but now they are not and I'm losing friends left and right too. I was eating better, exercising daily, meditating and giving myself the time to heal. My roommate has been wonderful for 3 years. She herself had a suicide attempt before we moved in together and I had just finished school. I had been more mentally stable at that time and helped her to re-acclimate after getting out of the military but while she has gotten better, I have gotten worse. But now she has a boyfriend who had been my friend and they had dated previous. He just got out of jail and with no where to stay, moved into our tiny studio apartment. Me and him had some issues because A) no one told me this was happening, he was supposed to have a place. B) I'm the one who went out of my way to go rent a car and pick him up from jail and no gratitude was shown. C) he started moving things. While that may not seem like a big deal to some, it led to other issues like the cat and dog getting into and destroying things, 2 minute chores turning into 10 minute frustration causing fiascos, my bearded dragon drinking diluted bleach, me not being able to make a bday cake for my roomie cause he ruined the ingredients and a roach problem from him not cleaning his mess. D) even though we had been friends before, he now wants to move into a bigger place without me. Just the two of them which would leave me homeless. My roommate keeps telling me about how he's been in her ear this entire time trying to freeze me out so I feel he never had the intention to try to begin with. There has been zero communication and even when I tried, I was ignored and it's not like I just flipped out. I told him informatively, then jokingly, then when still not taken seriously is when I get mad. I feel he is trying to use it as power over me because he is trying to compete with me for her even though I keep saying it's not a competition. Life and relationships are NOT a competition. E) even though he has PTSD, he has no compassion or empathy for any mental issue other than his own. Not even for his own gf. No idea what depression is like, no sympathy for either of our 'female issues', and definitely can't understand how your brain can work against you or that just 'pushing through' or 'getting over it' doesn't actually work for real problems. The stress actually causes me physical symptoms; digestive issues, fatigue, insomnia, confusion, inability to concentrate, and often I will shake and vomit at especially stressful times. He's seen this but still it does not register as a problem I can't get past on my own.


I'm at the point now where the 'not existing' thoughts are appearing more and more and yet... Nothing. Dozens of calls a day and nothing. I'm not sure how many more things going wrong for me I can really take. I listen to the show and I hear all these people speak about getting better but I just cant seem to get the train moving in that direction fast enough.

[manuel_moe_g]

I read your post, Lucy, and I honor your pain. You have been through a lot of pain and suffering, and you didn't deserve it and it was heaped on you without care if you could handle it. Please use this forum as a resource, because you do not deserve isolation. Below are some professional resources for low/no cost. I hope it helps. Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Low/No Cost Mental Health Resources

United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

If you are just needing someone with the chat with online, not a professional, there is a great depression chat room that usually has at least 40 different people, you can go and go private and discuss issues and just get stress off your chest. Here is the link:

depression-chat-rooms.org

Finally, here is a good summary of the precursors to suicide to help you understand yourself and others, it is from a PhD psychologist whose father committed suicide:

American Psychological Association - Thomas Joiner, PhD - Precursors to suicide, for yourself and others

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

[Lucy]

Thank you, that means a lot. Ive been trying. I keep trying to get in to see someone, even when I keep getting denied. There has been so much rejection. Other people try the same things and will get approved or whatever right away but I always seem to be the one getting passed over. My last application for insurance was lost for 6 weeks, then they tried to deny me 2 days after calling me to set up the appointment because 'I took too long to turn in the paperwork'. Now I have to appeal it even though it wasn't my fault. This is a common occurrence in my life. It's very discouraging and I already have such a negative internal dialog. I have so many things coming up that could really impact my entire life and yet can't get the help that is supposed to be there for these exact situations.