I posted on here because it says, "You are not alone."

[SubstancelessBlue]

why are stupid classes like computer science and geology necessary? I KNOW WHY--SO I CAN HAVE A SOLID BACKGROUND, but ISNT THAT WHAT HIGH SCHOOL WAS FOR? I AM AN ENGLISH MAJOR. AND IF A COMPUTER CLASS IS WHAT MAKES ME FLUNK OUT OF COLLEGE, THEN THAT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I hate all the snobs at UGA and the pretentious teachers who email me addressing me Mr. and not giving me ANY grades when we're halfway through the semester. I hate the judgemental doctors on campus forcing me to go to the hospital so now I owe $600 in hospital bills. I hate that I got offered a job today and I don't even want it because I am just going to fuck it up like everything else since last summer. I used to have a 3.8 GPA. Now I'm a fucking loser who can't keep a job or go to class. I just want to go home and take a nap but my room isnt there anymore. My old life isnt there anymore. My old best friend won't speak to me ever since she fell in love. And all my other friends, I just neglected and let the friendship grow stale and awkward. I miss my fucking friends. I miss high school. I miss having a meal ready every night for me.... I took that for granted. And now I can't shit because I eat pizza for every meal. I need friends. I need a counselor. I need to write. All I ever wanted to do was write, but I watch netflix or nap because I am scared and lazy and want to pass the time with minimal brain activity. I'm a good writer. What happened? I miss my stupid goddamn friends like mallory and kirsten and amanda and hannah. And I miss Emily Rose and Diane, even though it's my own fault I don't really talk to them anymore. I just wish someone would listen so i could tell them about all the people i see. all the ones following me. i wish there was someone who wouldn't tell me "that's schizo-effective disorder." I just wish they would fucking listen without judging me or labeling me. i wish they would take me seriously when i tell them i need to hit justin's bones with a hammer to make sure he is real and check his eyes to make sure he is not dead. because there are a lot of dead people following me and i have to be sure. i wish someone would understand why i bang on my pelvis to make sure the bone is there, to remind me that im real. i wish there was some way i could put a wall between what i see in my head and what i see in real life. i wish god i just wish some counselor would let me make an appt but theyre all booked and im poor and i just want someone to listen when i tell them about every single person, about the man who was burned alive and stare at me with shocking white eyes, standing by my side of the bed. Or the girl in the laundry room who hangs up side down closed up like a bat so her blood can drain to the floor. or the woman in black who walks into my bedroom, stops under the lamp and stares at me. or the girl on the stare who whispers and chants and her bloody ripped up mouth and face moves too fast for me to understand her and i ignore her i shut the bedroom door but if im downstairs she looks at me through the stairway. or the clown on the couch waiting for me to come downstairs so he can kill me. or the severed head on our bookcase watching me whenever im in the kitchen. or the man who stalks me, walking around the apartment, looking through the windows and hiding in the bathroom vents to spy on me. ever since i started my new medication, i cant see them anymore. only in my head, not in real life, and its almost even scarier because i can FEEL them. they are still here i just cant see them. i feel so far away from justin. i feel stuck behind this barrier in my head. he is a foreign object who doesnt understand all of us.... i bang on my hips with my wrist and knock my teeth together because i know soon i wil be dead like them i always have my head just above water. they will get me. but when? when i peel all my skin off to check that there are bones inside me? why wont anyone listen to me when i tell them I DONT FEEL GOOD? i was supposed to go to laurelwood but my doctor said to wait. so i was sick all week and didnt get out of bed and read books-thank god this medication lets me read again. for so long the words jumped around and i couldnt focus. now i can at least read. why should i go to school when i know i am going to be dead soon anyway. i tried to go today but m antipsychotic just sedates me. i cant hold my eyes open. i had to leave class after twitching my eyes open for 30 minutes, drifting off, almost falling out of my seat. i went back home, only making it to one class, and then i shut the apt door real softly and slept on the couch so justin wouldnt hear me upstairs and get mad and disappointed in me because i am "throwing away my future and how lucky i am to get to go to uga." As if I don't feel like enough of a piece of shit. i hate myself. i cant do anything. i might as well just go stay in one of those hospitals for the rest of my damn life except no one can afford me that luxury.
i feel ill. im tired of scaring people by telling them how scared i am. my blood feels like its vibrating in my body. my fingers feel like spiders waiting to rip my skin off and i cant just barely breathe just stop myself from hitting myself in the head like that time in the car i hit myself for 15 minutes until justin found me. no one understands how badly i need to talk to a counselor and tell them how i feel, whats going on. all i get are lectures from justin about school. he is trying to help but he doesnt understand i am jus ttrying to stay alive. it doesnt matter how many times he tells me its just in my head. my head is the only thing that i have ever been sure of. how do i even know anyone else is real or anything in the outside world is real? all i have ever known and will ever be sure of is my own existence. and right now there are about ten dead people living in here who are biding their time, waiting to kill me so i can join them because i am a bad person just like them.
i have all this energy, all this rage and anxiety coursing through me, making me nauseuos. i need to run or do something but its dark outside and im scared in this neighborhood. im scared in this house. i dont fucking feel good but all that matters is finishing this semester. thats all anyone cares about. and all i can do is watch myself become a failure in their eyes because i cant fucking do it i cant do anything all my energy is sapped from me trying not to bash my head into my desk over and over. i wish someone would breathe peace into me and calm me down. mke all the bad go away. but no one can understand

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello SubstancelessBlue. I read your post, I wish I had words to help you. You are not alone, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow. Please take care, and please keep the lines of communication open.

[donkarp]

SubstancelessBlue--

You are one terrific writer! I hope you keep writing like this, and are finding a way to share it and also by talking to other people.
You do have a lot to share, but, sadly,have not found the right venue.

I'd suggest a peer group would be best for you--those who are going through or have gone through those kinds of horrid experiences you mention.
Is there anything like a "schizophrenics anonymous" where you are--maybe on campus?

If you can't find anything, please start it. Get a place to meet, put up posters, online posts.
You'd be surprised at how many people are just hiding out with their suffering because they can't find anyone to discuss this with--like you!

If you cannot find others, have you looked online elsewhere than this site? You an find lots of other resources from these:

http://www.compassionforvoices.com
madinamerica.com
http://theicarusproject.net
http://www.moshersoteria.com/

And here is a great video fro yuor friends and family: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRqI4lxuXAw

Best wishes,

Ps. Don't stop writing!

[kb9vgh]

I also think you are a good writer and hope you can somehow find a way to either like your school or maybe just get out of school for now. Does writing help you feel better? It sounds like a peer support group would be a nice start like don carp said. Why not start one, or join a writer's group? I have no answers. I just get the sense you have so much going on in your head and it's likely others would enjoy talking with you....best wishes....

[SubstancelessBlue]

thank you, all of you. i was hospitalized that week and am just now getting back on my feet. Thank you for the kind words. It' scary looking back and realizing how sick I was.