Dreading Mother's Day

[shanarchy]

I am feeling overwhelmed. I have anxiety about visiting both my parents and my husband's family this Sunday, Mother's Day. Which makes this situation a social anxiety issue. I've felt this way for years, but I was able to cope...

(FYI, I have GAD and am I a recent sober alcoholic. They don't know I am an alcoholic, much less a sober one.)

The way I was able to deal with visiting my parents and my husband's parents and family was by drinking.

Drinking meant avoiding confrontation, ignoring snide comments, lowering the volume on anxious thoughts and feeling more at ease with them.

None of them are bad people. I do believe they have good intentions. But, they drive me crazy.

I don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them how uncomfortable they make me feel. I also know I haven't been open enough with them to let them know how I am. The things is I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be myself around them.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, shanarchy. I don't know your situation - can you give yourself permission to duck out after 20 minutes?

[shanarchy]

Thank you manuel_moe_g!
I like your idea.
I'll have it in mind.
I quick hello and goodbye should be better than nothing.

[oak]

Shanarchy, I send you good vibes.

First up, congrats on getting sober. It is a wonderful life. Now that I have five years next month, I realize how foggy I was that first year. I wasn't physically or mentally foggy, but emotionally very much so!

So please give yourself a little grace, a little patience. It is okay to feel feelings. It is good, even.

I just remembered this!:

(lol, as the kids say. I am laughing about it now, but it wasn't funny at the time)

Don't worry about "ruining Mother's Day", because I already did it, and life goes on!

I had gotten fired last year, two weeks before Mother's Day. I was devastated, but put on my brave face and went to my sister's house. I didn't want "to spoil Mother's Day".

I was keeping it together until I saw my favorite aunt. Emotions welled up and I began to cry.

Apparently 36 year old men crying, being real, is not good for the children to see (seriously, they said that to me), so rather than encouraging me to go outside and get some fresh air, away from the situation, two of my sisters decided to sit me down and "explain" what was going on in my life. First up, I knew exactly the shitstorm I was in, and didn't need them to "explain". Also, what they called "explaining" was really something called "yelling".

So after a half hour of yelling, I mean "discussion", they chided me for "ruining Mother's Day".

Strangely enough, Shanarchy, the sun rose the next day. In fact my mother knew exactly what I was going through and was nonplussed by my tears. (She shoulda/coulda stuck up for me, but shit gets crazy.)

So I "ruined" Mother's Day?

Whoop dee fucking do.

Maybe it does need to get ruined if children are explicitly told that grown men can't cry. I don't want to live with that kind of Mothers Day.

So!

I have come to believe that there is a time where it is okay for me to be hurt and broken. Thus, I extend the same right to others.

Here is my suggestion, which you are welcome to take or leave:

Sometimes when I am upset I'll tell people upfront: "Hey! It is great to see you. You know, I am going through some stress, so I am not myself today. It doesn't have anything to do with you, and I am hoping to be doing better soon. I hope you understand."

Like the forum header says: you are not alone.

You are more important than Mothers Day.

Mothers Day is a made up holiday. It is good to celebrate mothers? If they are worthy of celebration, yes.

You are not beholden to something made up. You are real. You have real blood pumped through a real heart. You have real emotions.

Society says Mothers Day is some sort of sacred blah blah blah.

Screw that. You be you. Even if that you is anxious.

I admire you more for being honest about feeling anxious than repressing feelings.

[talkthedog]

I have had so many people amazed that I am working Mother's Day. I am self employed so I call the shots and everyone is shocked that I didn't take tomorrow off. Keep in mind I LOVE my mom. Both my parents are awesome human being and it has nothing to do with her. It has to do with me and my four year old son. Frankly, its just another day. I guess it would have been a big deal if my ex hadn't left me a couple months before my first mother's day for another woman (my son was only 8 months old) after that I guess I stopped caring about the stupid little holidays.

[Alarmist]

My mom is on vacation. I probably should have called at least. I'm sure my brother did. Probably sent a card, too. The bastard

[shanarchy]

Oak, thank you so much for sharing your story. It seems to me, their perfectionism ruined their holiday celebration. They must have issues of their own.
I like your suggestion and I'm sure i'll be using it.
----------
Talkthedog, a big hug to you and hope your business is thriving.
----------
Lol alarmist!
----------
I'm glad to say it better than I expected.
I had an A.A. meeting the night before and one of my friends there made a plan with me to call each other every hour to know how we were doing (she was at a party of her own). This helped a lot.
She also told me to have a soda or juice or whatever on my hand as soon as I got there and never let it get empty. This helped a great deal.
When chatting with a_schoe the other day, we talked about teas and got the idea of bringing some calming tea with me. What I did was I bought a large soda from Wendy's and filled it with Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer Tea (I brewed 4 cups the night before to keep filling throughout the day). This was tasty and calming. (Thanks a_schoe!)

Right when I was about to leave I threw the cup in the trash before saying good-bye to my Mom and heading for the car. When I go to my Mom, she says: "Hey, you didn't have any beer today?! What are you pregnant?" I didn't even kiss her good-bye. I just got in the car and waved good-bye with an askewed smile.

[oak]

Congrats Shanarchy on making it through!

Also yay for another day of being sober. My straightedge-ness salutes your sober-ness!

Speaking of your Wendy's pop, my desire for sugar and sweets went way up after I stopped drinking. I'll be interested to hear if you experience the same.

(At the risk of hijacking your thread, may I offer an attempted shaming I was offered yesterday?)

(My sisters are comfortably middle class. I am working poor, holding on by my fingernails.)

I had a temporary job delivering Mother's Day arrangements, using my own car.

I arrived late at my sister's. A few minutes later my mother asks me in front of everyone:

"How much are they paying you per mile?"

(Silence.)

I was doubly shamed because I was unclear what the rate was (that is, I didn't ask when hired; I was just glad to get the temporary job) and also because whatever I get paid would be a laughable pittiance to my sisters, who were polite enough not to ask.

I stammered a "I don't know".

Mothers Day: a mini Thanksgiving for shaming?
And if there is so much shame and hurt surrounding Mothers Day, why do we celebrate it?

[Cheldoll]

Ooh, I've got you guys beat on ruining Mother's Day -- my mom spent the holiday in 2007 in the ICU because I attempted suicide by overdosing on my sleeping pills. You know they don't let anyone in until you're stable? Not even immediate family. And they're too busy trying to keep people alive so they don't come out to give the families updates. My mom said she cried all night.

[oak]

Cheldoll, I am glad you made it. You are worth it.