physical hell from the brain down

[Wren]

So I started therapy (successfully after many failed attempts over my 31 years of life) around this time last spring. I was working two jobs at the time and about the quit the one that was giving me panic attacks. It was the first time I've ever had actual panic attacks and only missed the opportunity to visit the ER because I started feeling better immediately after leaving the place where I worked. I figured after having a "kind-of" fucked up life and trouble with anxiety and depression since forever, it was high time to get started on therapy.
I loved the therapist I was seeing and we quickly got to work on my problems. I unpacked some guilt things, she helped me discover I had no idea what boundaries even were let alone ever had any, and I started to feel better. So much better and so much healthier that I started to ween off the therapy. Not having insurance at the time it made since as I was feeling so good and need all the pennies I can earn.
I then began having all kinds of new physical symptoms of distress. At the job I kept, and still currently have, these symptoms were exasperated. Over the last six months or so they've only gotten worse and now every day some sort of symptom shows up, sometimes all at once, sometimes singularly, sometimes our of the blue, and sometimes directly related to my mood. I've since gotten insurance (a-whole-nother pile of crap not in my life before) and had blood work done and a general physical all which came back as perfectly normal. My PCP (who happens to have terrible reviews but is the only one less than an hour away) ordered a CT scan of my brain. Of course my shitty insurance denied the request. I'm pretty certain I don't have a brain tumor (I've had friends that did and this is nothing like that). I exercise, I eat pretty damn healthy, I could stand to lose 5-10 lbs. but overall I'm pretty damn healthy. I drink every night but only one or two most the time. I've had more of a problem with the bottle in the past but I'll admit I'm not willing to give it up completely. I guess I'm addicted.
My symptoms include:
an ice-pick headache mostly in one region of my head, though sometimes it radiates outward
a sensation of being strangled, not so much the lump in the throat, but more like pressure from outside my body. like actual hands trying to strangle me.
pressure in the chest like someone is sitting on it and a subsequent trouble feeling like i can get a full breath
light-headedness - this is the one that has really snuck in and fucked with me lately. It's all the time. It's when I'm at work and I struggle to perform my job well, it's when I walk my dog, it's when I make my art, it's whenever.
facial twitches and feeling like i'm drooling

sometimes I feel like I'm calm, like I'm doing my belly breathing, and still I am having these problems. It's really starting to interfere with my life, my job, and I can't afford to do a ton about it. I feel desperate and more broken than before. At least before I went into therapy I was just crazy. Now I'm crazy AND my body feels like it's falling apart. I suppose it's all anxiety and stress but what the fuck do I do when I'm doing everything?
I fantasize about killing myself or starting heroine. I feel like a baby. Like an asshole. Like despite all my best efforts somehow I'm going backwards.
I have a wonderful life now and yet I can't enjoy it.
I feel like I can't win.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Wren. I am not competent to suggest anything specific to you to ease your suffering, but I read what you wrote, and you are heard and not alone.

[Upsetter]

Hi Wren,
That sounds horrible! I hope you don't still have the symptoms. I am no doctor but your symptoms sound serious to me not matter what the cause.
Even if it is anxiety it isn't that cool that you have to have that level of anxiety. So sorry you are getting the medical run around. What could be worse than being sick and having to navigate an insurance company.

[Wren]

Hi all. Thanks for your kind responses!

Some updates and maybe something that's helping:
I had to go off health insurance, and currently I'm not getting any therapy. It's a really rough time for me but I just can't afford my therapist at the moment. I had tried a new one hoping I could open up to her, I tried going to a support group, and in all that I realized I spent my husband's rent money on my therapy sessions and had to cancel all future appointments until I can get caught up. Whoops.

Things were mounting and eventually I had what I thought might have been a repressed memory emerge. I don't know what to think of it now. I'm pretty skeptical. It seems fucked up to make up something horrendous but I feel like I would do that if it answered some question I couldn't get to the bottom of. I don't have a ton of self trust. Most of my life I've wondered if I've been making up all of my feelings because I learned they would get attention early on. Or at least I was exposed to things like anxiety, rape, depression from hearing my mom and family talk about it so much that maybe I just wanted to fit in and started pretending I was depressed. The point of all that is to say it's confusing and half the time I can't tell what's my pain, someone else's, or completely fabricated.

But around the same time as the "memory" event I started taking this amino acid powder I got from my local herb shop. It's called Glycine and you just mix 1/2 a teaspoon in some water each morning and it's supposed to help regulate adrenaline. I figured I would give it a shot since I perpetually feel like I'm being thrown from an airplane and maybe it would help to ease off the adrenaline. Since then I haven't had a full blown attack of the symptoms. It's been a few weeks now, a few really stressful weeks, and I've only been getting mild versions of the symptoms. A little tension headache here and there, some nausea but it's not as bad, and very few light-headed spells. Haven't felt the choking sensation at all that I can think of.
Not sure what it was that helped but I've been sticking with the glycine powder and trying to let myself cry when I need to (and it's been a lot) and so on. If I can hang in there through the summer I'm hoping the fall will be nicer to me.
Thanks for your support though. It's nice to know someone's listening.

[WiltedRose]

I just read your initial post today, Wren. (((HUG)))
Are things any better now? just curious & concerned. You don't have to update if you don't feel up to it.
I empathize.

[Wren]

Sadly my panic symptoms have been emerging again. I've not been taking my supplements though and I haven't been to therapy in a while. I have an intake appointment at a rape crisis center on Wednesday though and will begin working on all that fun shit. I'm hoping once all that's resolved the symptoms will lesson. It's mostly at work or out in public places. Thankfully it's not happening at home much at all. I have been having dreams lately that I'm a prostitute though which inevitably end up with me waking in a state of choking pain but they're not intense as nightmares or terrors so I'm thankful for that.
Thanks for the concern though. Once I have a little more energy I'll begin posting more. The move I just made was huge and there is a lot of work on my house to be done all the time. I'm grateful to be kept occupied but it leave me with little energy to communicate.

[WiltedRose]

Glad you are still hanging in there, Wren.... for better or worse. I hope you find a good connection with your counselor at the crisis center and that you are able to get back on your supplements to help stabilize your anxiety/panic.
Keep us posted as to how the upcoming weeks/months progress...
((HUG))
Wilted Rose

[Syuni]

Oh man, I know the feeling of anxiety being so bad it affects you physically. My problem is heart related, but you're going through a lot more than I ever did, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know it can be terrifying. You're not alone, and I hope you can get the help you need.

[Brooke]

I'm so sorry you are having these problems Wren...and that you're struggling with the cruel insurance system... It sounds like you are doing the best you can regarding your health, and that's something that you should be proud of yourself. I'm sorry you are still having severe physical symptoms. I'm not a doctor, so I can't tell you anything medical wise, but what I can tell you is that our minds are so connected to our bodies. I have had severe fibromyalgia for years and sought out help for my physical symptoms, but nothing really helped long term. It's only when I accepted that I need to deal with my heart that the pain started to subside... I know this is not a popular belief and I had rejected it for years. I actually got offended when doctors would mention that. I would get angry and think, "It's YOUR job as a doctor to fix me!! You're now blaming ME for my symptoms?!" I thought meditation was just self-delusion. I hope that you can be nice to yourself and accept that it's ok to have these symptoms...feeling sorry for yourself sounds pathetic, but doing so in a positive way is therapeutic. If you feel like a baby, then treat yourself lovingly as if you really were...I know, sounds wacko. When I'm in the midst of a hellish, desperate depression/anxiety, the only thing I can do is to try and hug myself and cling on to God. Sorry if this is too "soft and abstract" for you.