I don't know where else to put this

[Imissmysun]

So...

I am a little freaked out with myself - I think I am over thinking - but I am checking and rechecking this forem to see if people have responded to my posts...

I think that is my codependent tendencies - (which are highly a part of me almost 100% of what I am) - I want to see that I am validated - and that makes me feel awful - because why can't I just feel my own validation is enough?

I am afraid that if I stay on this forum I won't grow - but I also really crave and need a social community to talk to because it's also been really unhealthy for me to be stuck in my head alone - because that is where I am almost all of the time - with my crazy thoughts alone - and I don't self medicate I self disassociate - so I just miss my whole life not being present -

So my dilemna - how do you kick co dependence - without becoming co dependent on the help?

I want to be liked to be respected to be smart enough and interesting enough for people to respond to and that makes me feel sick - why do I care so much -

why can't I be enough for me - why does my validation have to come from outside?

But it is such a high to get a response - to see that I made a difference and then I hate my ego for messing up the nice thing I did -

I hate myself right now - I am at work on the verge of crying I feel the ugly cry bubble in my throat - and so I have to stop this post before I act like a human at work and have emotinos and possibly loose my job because that is not professional

I hate adulting and I suck at it.

I so want friends - I have no idea how to make friends - not anymore - I am too broken and I HATE small talk I over share and I am weird -

Thanks for listening

[Kismet]

I'm not sure how to answer you, but I wanted to give you a reply. First of all you aren't strange, I look to see if I get responses too. I think for me it's because I can't make friends, I never have been able to. When I write in forums I can take my time to think out what I say and hope that it will sound a lot less weird than I do in person. Not sure where I was going with this, just, don't be so hard on yourself.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you for your response

I have been readung about your struggles as well and I cannot imagine -

I really feel for you, I wonder if the app "Superbetter" would help - you are able to make your wellness goals into goals for youself - a women who was trying to recover from disabling migraines after some kind of medical issue created it - she said helped her creep out of the pain and gave her focus when she couldn't do anything - she said even opening her eyes was a struggle - this turned her recovery into a game -

You can craft your own goals to make yourself healthier - I think its a brilliant app

[ladysquid]

Man have a had my share of throat bubbles at the office. Just staring at a spreadsheet with blank eyes hoping to disappear into my cubicle to avoid displaying my extreme discomfort. I FEEL YOU.

As far as needing validation...damn I wish I knew the secret to kicking that habit. I used to update my blog pretty regularly and my god, if my post got no views...it felt like a brick thrown into my stomach. I ended up giving up on it because even though I *think* I like to write and I *think* I might be good at it, if no one pats me on the back or cheers me on - what is the point? Now I'm back to square one looking at Google docs in shame at all the half finished articles and stories I have feeling like my work is worthless and I am worthless by association.

After accepting that my relationship with my mom was enmeshment and was keeping me in a constant state of helplessness I started to question most of my other relationships. Many friends I used to consider close to I now just feel gross around having to slip into a role that they know, not really knowing what, if anything, we even had in common. I still don't really understand intimacy. It's a struggle with my partner to not use her as my everything when friendships are still so hard for me.

One thing I have done recently that has allowed me to be social without feeling codependent was going to volunteer at my local park. It allowed me to have time away from my partner without being isolated and my "need to please" was used in a healthy way.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you so much for sharing Ladysquid... I see so much of what you say in me - co dependence is such a beast - it feels so right until you realize just how damaging it is -

Society does not help at all - be pleasant be kind be what everyone wants you to be - I think it is far harder for women to kick because as little girls most of us learn that we had best not make a man angry - do everything in your power to be completely what they want - oh wait.... That was my experience - my mom is some level beyond co-dependence - her example of how relationships work is so unbalanced it explains all my mis-steps - that and trying to fill the dead dad hole - that is still wide open - and will never heal -

but anyway - write share - your voice and posts are so inciteful - and you need to be your own encouragement - (yes I also need to be my own encouragement) so I know how hard this is... But I am trying like I keep going to the gym .... so yay me... (I keep almost using my real name and wanting to talk to myself in the third person on this forum - that completely destroys the idea of anonymity but that is my co dependence crying out for validation again) -

Go us - the slowly moving sloth speed changes that maybe lead us towards healing

I would read and most likely enjoy your blog - I do not have the stick to itness to blog every day - doing this forum is my current obsession - not sure how long it will last - although it does seem to help have a place to put my thoughts throughout the day -

Paul is sooooo right work needs a crying/hitting room - most certainly -
But mostly I just wanted to thank you for saying that I matter, that my feelings matter - because honestly only my therapist does that - and once in a while I get it from my person - but not as much as my inner attention whore wants - so thank you