Chest pains: paramedics. Panic attack?

[rivergirl]

Oak, I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles this week. You have my concern and support. Please keep reaching out and keep us posted on how you're doing. I care about you.

rivergirl

[oak]

Thank you, everyone, for your posts!

Finally some good news:

I went to the doctor and:

1. I was diagnosed with anxiety. I am back on the buspirone, 10 mg, which is good.

2. Per the chest pain, she took a blood test and ordered a 2D echocardiogram.

3. Longer term she told me the same thing my father told me: have more fun, forgive, make friends, live life.

Just like the paramedics at the dentist office last week, she both validated the seriousness of the situation, and plainly said that there is a way out. She praised my progress in life, and encouraged me to continue to take better care of myself. So much kindness.

The panic attack yesterday was the worst hour of my life. I don't ever want to experience that again. Never. I'll do whatever it takes to get better.

I'm going to put back the pieces of my life. Thank you for listening. Lots of forum love.

[oak]

I am panic attack free for 72 hours!

I went to the wonderful EAP counselor today, and among other things, she gave me tools to handle the anxiety.

Like the doctor and my father, (if I may speak honestly), she said that she was proud of the changes I've made in the last year. All three said that I have a lot going for me, and lots of resources. All take my difficulty very seriously, validating me, but none were scared, per se. If that makes sense.

She also helped me remember that terrible moment a week ago today:

(Caveat: the dentist, his staff, and the office itself I refer to in a moment were all perfectly lovely. I was having a panic attack.)

I remember sitting in that dentist office, thinking I could die at any moment: "I'm 41, dying maybe, and listening to cheesy Christmas music."

I was... unsatisfied. Profoundly unsatisfied, and I realized it wholly and clearly in an instant.

Cliche but true: my thoughts, my only two thoughts, everything else meaning nothing and having been stripped away: I wish I had loved more and spent more time happy.

I am hesitant to share this, as this is my soul laid bare.

Love and happiness. Something I always knew but rarely lived. Work, money, "stuff", responsibilities, identity: none of that mattered. I didn't think of any of that. I didn't have time.

Love and happiness.

[brownblob]

Beautifully put, Oak.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for sharing, Oak.

[oak]

Some updates as I continue my journey

1. When I thought I was dying I realized only two things mattered to me: love and happiness. Everything else can be important but ultimately only love mattered.

This is freeing because I can let go of lots of things that haven't served me. Having a panic attack in a dentist office demonstrated to me that my life wasn't working. Now I am piecing together a new life. Hopefully better.

2. The medical side continues: I've not had a panic attack in ten days, thank goodness. My blood test for heart trouble came back negative, and I am awaiting results from the echocardiogram.

3. The financial side: I've had three panic attacks in my life, all in the last 18 months, and all due to financial worries. Since the most recent, and most hellish, panic attack ten days ago I've taken halting steps to financial responsibility: I am balancing my checkbook (or trying to), am trying to budget to save money (the reason for this mess in the first place), and meeting with a reputable credit counseling nonprofit (I know, I know) to get some clarity on paying off my old (circa 2007) debt of about 20K.

Considering that I have some stability for the first time in my life, and having just had a panic attack, thinking I was about to die:

I think age 41 is a fine time to pause, reflect, assess, grieve, and re-evaluate how I am living my life. I know many people my age don't get such a second chance.

The life I was living was not satisfactory: I may not have to make big changes but I do need to effect some changes.

In the meantime I'm letting go, caring less, and trying to love more.

[oak]

I've had, thankfully, no panic attacks in nearly a month.

I've seen my primary care physician for a follow up, requested a referral to psychiatry, studied and lived the instructions of the anxiety workbook, and found a philosophy that fits: Stoicism.

I am taking better care of myself, but am not out of the woods. I may start a more in-depth thread about my experiences with my anxiety workbook.

One practical (and happy) outcome: though I actually gained a few pounds, when I see people I know they look at me, smile, and say how good I'm looking. I'm the same me, just facing my faults and trying to do better.

---

Edit: Thanks to the anxiety workbook's instructions, I faced my anxiety and invited someone out. She kindly said no, but I'm glad I found the courage.

[rivergirl]

I would be interested to hear about your experiences with the workbook, Oak, if you don't mind sharing.

And I'm so glad to hear you've been panic-attack free recently.

rivergirl

[oak]

Yes, certainly:

https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-W ... 1572248912

I am not in the position to be refusing any good idea, so I am doing as he says. I feel good. I've not been able to say that for awhile.

[bigeekgirl]

Oak - I am both sorry to hear about what you are experiencing (because anxiety sucks) and excited for you as moving toward living a more authentic life is worth the pain. As I type that, I'm not entirely sure it's true, because, sometimes, the pain is terrible. For me, my body and brain rebel when I ignore the need to make changes. I'm really good at ignoring it.

As for books, since I don't know much about your history, so I'd suggest this one: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eigh ... indfulness
I cried reading the preface because I didn't know you were supposed to feel like something more than your thoughts and actions. Meditation is the best thing I've ever found for treating my issues and developing an inner core the world can't touch.