Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

Thanks BGG!

Dating:

I went on a tear Wednesday, asking out four women, three of them I should have invited out months ago (the fourth was the mother of one of them!). They all said no, so kindly, and now I'm in the habit, immediately after they say no, of explaining that asking them out is a big part of facing my social anxiety. Two of the women, when told that, said I was doing a very good job! That moved me to tears.

I have a pretty big day tomorrow, that I'll be more comfortable posting about tomorrow.

Dental

I've done pretty well with my plaque-fighting habits! This is mostly to get over my fear of my own body, to look at it as it is.

Financial

I've not done much with this.

Anxious Situation

Last night a winter storm came in. The power kept flickering on and off, so I decided right then to shower, eat, find the phone charger, and roll the sleeping bag out. The power inevitably went out and I began to panic. Then I remembered to breathe, and that the difficult lessons learned from Hurricane Sandy taught me well. I read an O Henry story online, fell asleep, and the power was back on by the time it was time to go to work.

[oak]

Dating

Today I faced considerable anxiety. I hope I was equal to what Courage, or Life, demanded of me.

I was hesitant to post, yesterday, that I had confirmed a date with her yesterday, for a date today. As I feared, she canceled. But before she cancelled I had considerable anxiety going on my first first date since my panic attacks, with someone so attractive, and who I liked.

A few thoughts on getting cancelled on again:

1. Men hurt just as much as women.

2. Previously I had asked God, or The Universe, for a date with a beautiful woman. Afterwards I asked for a date with a beautiful woman who is kind and will show up for a date. (I say this with total sincerity.)

3. I will take some time for self-care, grieve the humiliation and lost romantic opportunity, and in a day or two try my anxiety efforts again.

[brownblob]

Sorry it didn't work out, but you did give me a chuckle with your new prayer. (Laughing with you not at you) You are very strong Oak. I'm not sure I could handle this, but I know you will.

[bigeekgirl]

I'm so sorry. It sucks to be stood up and women are the primary offenders on that, unfortunately.

Absolutely, men hurt as much as women. Worse, there's an expectation that men shouldn't be as emotional to contend with. Guys have it rough in our culture right now. I've seen it in the men in my life who are struggling to fit in and do the right thing in dating and relationships without much of a road map.

I'll get off my soapbox. Rooting for you!

[oak]

Thank you both, BB and BGG, for your wonderful, encouraging posts!

@BB:

Yes, that is one of the unexpected outcomes of being plainly honest with people, when I am directly asking for help with anxious matters, whether it is about my experience with alcohol abuse, working poverty, unemployment, or rejected romantic invitations: while there is nothing funny about any of those topics, being honest about why I said something takes all the pressure off the situation. Example: I ask a woman out, she kindly declines, and I thank her for letting me face my social anxiety. With such honesty, sincerity, and kindness-both ways- how can we both not laugh in recognition of shared humanity and humaneness?

And, inspired by the old school Akron brothers of the AA founders, I am getting much more serious about asking for what I want. I've even asked to be sent a redhead I can invite out; I figure my higher power is big enough to hear such a request.

@BGG:

I think the main question, BGG, when someone doesn't show is: will I act soberly?

It is a situation no one wanted or expected, but here it is. This is Life. How I can act to preserve my dignity, and ease the weirdness the situation brings?

IRL example, which has happened several times: I get a table for two at a restaurant, and a half hour there is still clearly just one when the waiter comes by for the fourth time. I've had to explain that, yeah, the other person isn't coming. The waiter of course understands at once, and is kind. People have always been kind when they see me trying, and failing.

That being said, I am proud because for both canceled dates, even though I feared she would cancel, I demonstrated courage (read: took action): I was properly dressed, shaved, hair neat, shoes clean, had money, had a plan for the date, and had a backup plan in case the first plan didn't work. I was equal to what Life was demanding of me.

Reading my Joseph Campbell again, I see these disappointments as all part of the monomyth, or "hero's journey". Think Cinderella or Luke Skywalker, when he is getting pushed around by those dorks at the bar in the first movie. By the start of the third he is toying with Jabba the Hut, then soon facing down the Emperor himself.

Per Kurt Vonnegut's wonderful graphing of stories, I am clearly experiencing a "Man In Hole" story.

http://www.openculture.com/2014/02/kurt ... icago.html

Today's Actions

Financial

Today's Main Event: Having received indifferent service at one branch of my bank, I am going, in person, to ask for assistance at a second branch today. This will take considerable courage. (I'm also going to this branch to invite out the attractive brunette teller.) And if this branch won't help me, I'll try a third branch, with a manager I know from my professional life.

I am also going pay off my dental, periodontal, and podiatrist statements (I also intend to invite out the dreamy front desk person at the podiatrist [crosses fingers]).

Dating

I am giving this attractive person, who canceled on me twice, one more chance to meet. I'm doing this for principled reasons I'll explain later.

Physical

I am getting follow up treatment for my ingrown toenail surgery. I don't expect much more pain, but am willing to endure it.

Dental

This is one area of facing my anxiety that I can be proud of, in the sense that I am accomplishing what I set out to.

Library

After years of staring at screens, I am re-discovering the abundant resources at the library. Besides the wonderful books, our library has an amazing resource called Hoopla. I am re-reading the books that got me through my twenties: Man's Search for Meaning, the Art of War, The Hero with a Thousand Faces.

[oak]

Action Taken

Today I made good on my promise and asked for more assistance from my bank.

I realize finances, the proximate cause of the anxiety attacks, is my big thing to face.

I am coming up with a plan tonight to start to face it this week. I feel considerable anxiety and shame. But I get to learn about the financial side of anxiety, so that's good.

Meanwhile, I have a date scheduled for Wednesday. I demonstrated faith (read: took action) that she will show by washing and vacuuming my car. The third time's the charm!

I continue to take action to take care of my teeth and gums. I am raw and exhausted from trying to face my anxiety.

[bigeekgirl]

*high five*

[oak]

Bad news:

I got stood up today. I feel bad.

Good news:

I did everything Courage asked of me: I showed up on time, properly groomed, well dressed, with a plan, conversation topics, and money. I had new shoes, cleaned teeth, and a spotless car in anticipation.

I of course feel humiliated. I also resolved, right then and there, to get back to my plan to eat right, exercise, and find more worthy women. I promised the restaurant owner, who I had met earlier (when I told her that I'd return to pay if I suddenly had to leave due to a panic attack) that I'd be back in a few weeks or month or two with a more worthy woman. She encouraged this!

A local basketball star, Kevin Love, recently opened up about his struggles with panic attacks. I borrowed courage from him and his story. I am sad, but I can look myself in the mirror tonight, knowing that I faced considerable anxiety, and that I hope I am equal to what Life is demanding of me.

[bigeekgirl]

Oh darn! I'm proud of you for handling this so graciously, but reserve the right to be disappointed on behalf of my friend. Keep it up! Dating is like baseball; It's all about batting average.

It is heartening to see public figures disclose about their mental illness, especially those who are mainstream and traditionally successful. Wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy, but if someone is suffering anyway...

[oak]

Thank you for your encouragement, BGG. It means a lot to me.

Since then I've been devastated. I am grieving the loss of a potential relationship, a date, and even the dignity of a proper rejection from her. I am in physical pain, and I feel like my nerves are fried. When I think about her, and the situation, I wonder if she was playing a cruel joke on me: confirming three dates then canceling twice and not showing up the third time. I'm 41 and have been through a lot, but I didn't know someone could be so thoughtless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktXm7CRXbsE

Meanwhile, I am having to take action regarding personal finance. This week I am going to focus on facing my anxiety (read: take action) regarding my personal finance; I'm also going to look into the psychiatrists/psychologists my EAP counselor recommended.

A week from right now, just after 11 am, I'll be on my feet, talking to an attractive woman, since facing my fear, on my feet, is the only safe place for me to be.

Happy

The only area of my anxiety efforts that have been an unqualified success is dental: though I've been too sad, and in physical pain, each night after the humiliation of getting stood up I've done my dental cleaning ritual each night. Even as I don't do any other good habit. Sincerely: the only thing I believe in right now, is that if I effect good dental habits my teeth and gums will be in better shape than if I didn't. Hopefully that is enough to believe in, because I am really going down the rabbit hole as I confront my flaws.