Help for an Anxiety Newbie?
Posted: March 14th, 2015, 10:25 pm
I came to a realization tonight. I am a MESS of anxiety. Normally I stuff down my emotions and hold a lot of tension in my body, resulting in daily migraines, so I have a hard time accessing my emotions and even knowing what the hell they are. Today I was talking to a friend and I had a break through. I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED.
Here's the thing - isn't the trick for anxiety to talk yourself through the problem and realize that it's not as bad as you think? I'd argue that in my case it IS as bad as I think. So here's my fear list in paragraph form:
I'm cut off from my parents (financially and otherwise). I suffer from debilitating migraines that impact my ability to earn a living. I am a grad student in a PhD program, and I earn a living as a teaching assistant and as a freelance writer on the side. I hate grad school. I like what I study. I hate having to get up at a time pre-determined by someone else and then go to a specific place and learn in a specific way of someone else's choosing and then get graded on it. I hate that when I have bad professors, I'm held accountable for the material they didn't teach me, and the grade is seen as a reflection of MY work.
For the past 5 years, I've attempted to make ends meet as a freelance writer, which is my career of choice. I was desperately poor and couldn't make it work. So I'm in grad school now with the ultimate plan of becoming a professor. Eventually it'll be a well-paid and somewhat cushy job in which I can choose my own schedule and what I do more. Right now it's hell.
Every single fucking day, I have to get up and if I don't get my butt to that classroom and turn in the homework and what have you, I'm fucked. And I'm afraid. If I don't show up every damn day and do what they say, I don't get the grade, I don't get the credit, I don't get the degree, and there goes my ability to earn a living.
I realize that there are some flaws in this logic. For example, I can be absent once or twice, it's true. I don't need 100% in my classes, I don't have to be perfect. I can even drop a class or take a smaller course load or a year off. But that just extends my time here in hell. And at some point or another, I DO have to do all this shit. And I'm terrified of being out on the street and homeless without any money. At some point I have to learn how to go to class and do my homework while ignoring the axe hanging over my head as I do it.
Honestly, I wish my useless parents would just die and leave me their cash. They have the means to help and then some, but they think helping their disabled daughter would be "enabling" me to be irresponsible. Because irresponsible people get PhDs, right?
Any books anyone can recommend or tips?
How I cope right now: Lots of exercise and sunshine, healthy food, massages, what I call "being kind to myself" - i.e. doing things I like instead of homework and not beating myself up for it, talking to friends. Just got a new therapist. I think she's a tool. But I'm stuck with her since my insurance is sucky like that so I'll give her a try. So I'm looking for tips for stuff outside of therapy, ESPECIALLY good books to read. Thanks.
Here's the thing - isn't the trick for anxiety to talk yourself through the problem and realize that it's not as bad as you think? I'd argue that in my case it IS as bad as I think. So here's my fear list in paragraph form:
I'm cut off from my parents (financially and otherwise). I suffer from debilitating migraines that impact my ability to earn a living. I am a grad student in a PhD program, and I earn a living as a teaching assistant and as a freelance writer on the side. I hate grad school. I like what I study. I hate having to get up at a time pre-determined by someone else and then go to a specific place and learn in a specific way of someone else's choosing and then get graded on it. I hate that when I have bad professors, I'm held accountable for the material they didn't teach me, and the grade is seen as a reflection of MY work.
For the past 5 years, I've attempted to make ends meet as a freelance writer, which is my career of choice. I was desperately poor and couldn't make it work. So I'm in grad school now with the ultimate plan of becoming a professor. Eventually it'll be a well-paid and somewhat cushy job in which I can choose my own schedule and what I do more. Right now it's hell.
Every single fucking day, I have to get up and if I don't get my butt to that classroom and turn in the homework and what have you, I'm fucked. And I'm afraid. If I don't show up every damn day and do what they say, I don't get the grade, I don't get the credit, I don't get the degree, and there goes my ability to earn a living.
I realize that there are some flaws in this logic. For example, I can be absent once or twice, it's true. I don't need 100% in my classes, I don't have to be perfect. I can even drop a class or take a smaller course load or a year off. But that just extends my time here in hell. And at some point or another, I DO have to do all this shit. And I'm terrified of being out on the street and homeless without any money. At some point I have to learn how to go to class and do my homework while ignoring the axe hanging over my head as I do it.
Honestly, I wish my useless parents would just die and leave me their cash. They have the means to help and then some, but they think helping their disabled daughter would be "enabling" me to be irresponsible. Because irresponsible people get PhDs, right?
Any books anyone can recommend or tips?
How I cope right now: Lots of exercise and sunshine, healthy food, massages, what I call "being kind to myself" - i.e. doing things I like instead of homework and not beating myself up for it, talking to friends. Just got a new therapist. I think she's a tool. But I'm stuck with her since my insurance is sucky like that so I'll give her a try. So I'm looking for tips for stuff outside of therapy, ESPECIALLY good books to read. Thanks.