YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm a 31 year old male looking for friends. The shame that comes with that realization makes me want to hide under my bed. On paper I've lived a successful life, but the idea that I can't seem to "meet people" is my deep secret. I'm not talking about dating...just making friends. In fact, I think I would feel more comfortable going on first dates now than I do exploring different social events/groups to make new friends.

I moved around the midwest a lot as a child, 6 different cities before graduating high school. No, we were not a military family. The reasons for moving so often are still unclear to me. In my mind I call my parents "escape artists" as their solution for the anxieties of life seems to be to pack up and start over in a new state. Those feelings of instability and fear of losing friends got stirred up recently when they moved across the country, again, 6 months after I took a job in their city. Yes, a small part of the reason to take the job was to be closer to them. I've been doing work in therapy accepting how/who my parents are, a remarkably useful tool to learn to apply to any social interaction: I can't change them, I can only change myself.

Most people in my city (I've been here 3 years) have lived here their whole lives, and I'm reminded of this constantly at work. A dark part of me wants so badly to scold my co-workers when they make petty complaints about the friends they've had since kindergarten. I want to tell them "I would do anything for that sort of stability in my life." Of course, the grass is always greener.

Sure, I have a few buddies from college or high school that I keep in touch with over the phone, and those phone conversations are golden. It's just that I feel so much pressure to make friends in person in my area. With the thought of how much I need/crave an in-person friendship, I end up psyching myself out. I need to face my fears, but doing so becomes ABOUT facing my fears, and not about getting out into the world and getting to know people. In the end I'm not facing any fears, just creating new reinforcements of fears.

The weird irony of this whole thing is that much of my time in therapy has been devoted to learning how to be assertive enough in my actions to live my own life. In the process, I've had to let go of quite a few people in my life, most of them in this city. You know, the city I feel so disconnected from. In other words, the shame of feeling like such a loser is often followed by the reminder in my monkey mind that I have no right to feel so lonely...I was the one who cut off contact with them! Ugh.

On a more practical note, does anyone have any ideas on how to meet people in a low stress environment? Volunteering, maybe? There are lots of great events on Meetup, but I can't seem to find much of anything other than a) go-getter business networking professionals, b) groups that meet at bars and feel cliquey and highly extroverted, c) much older people (generally kind people, but in a completely different place in their lives). I hate to be so picky, and I fear that my expectations are WAY too high. I know they are.

Anyways, I'm surprised by how relieving it feels to get all of this down in writing.

Hey! I'm glad you posted.

Yeah, not going to lie: it is hard to make friends after 30. Really really hard.

(Full disclosure: I had plenty of friends at age 32 when I was broke, un/underemployed, still drinking. Now that things have turned around, I lost them all. I am 39 and live in the Midwest. I have plenty of acquaintances, but no real friends lately. I am chilled with recognition by the quote by the great David Rakoff: "I am beloved by all and loved by none.")

So much for the despair! Which is good, because there is no lack of despair.

The reality is that plenty of people over 30 have friends. (Maybe the trick is in making them.)

There's a couple things you can do today that will help you:

1. Go to a mall or busy store. Sit there and watch all the people who are out with friends. If they did it, you can do it.

2. Read this awesome book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It is great.

3. Focus on how you can make someone else's day better. Even if it is just a tiny bit better. Forget about yourself and focus on them. There's some fascinating people out there.

Meetups are awesome, except when they aren't, and oh boy can they be bad/weird.

If you live in a city of any size, google "[city name] young professionals". Civic and cultural organizations often have such groups.

Volunteering can be a mixed bag: personally I'm all for short-term/one-off volunteering.

A great place to meet people is at work. Working for a well-known company can open alot of doors.

In the end, your success depends on doing two things:

1. Getting out of the house.

2. Talking to people.

That's all there is to it.

I wish you well. Get out there, starting today. And then go again tomorrow. Talk to the cashier, ask them about their day.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

I have a similar situation going myself, 30 years old and no friends to spend time with. Its become even more of an issue when I have gone on dates recently. Hearing the women across from me talk about her adventures with her myriad of friends is a reminder how isolated I have been the past 6-7 years. Everyone who I knew I alienated with drugs and alcohol, they are still facebook friends of course but I know they would never get together with me IRL anymore. I have turned my life around now and though its a physically healthier one, I am incredibly lonely. I wouldn't know where to start trying to construct a friendship but good god to I want to. I have pretty serious social anxiety now which I think is mostly a result of my isolation as I never had it years ago. I'm taking a few free counseling sessions soon and hope at least opening up to someone will help bring down some of my barriers.

Keep us posted on your progress and what worked for you. Much love

Hi Mus,

Just giving you some of my experiences. I'm 33yo and suffering with anxiety and depression, and I've had some similar issues. I've always found social situations difficult, especially when involving the 'small talk' of getting to know someone, and ESPECIALLY when no substances are involved. I actually joined meetup.com. I thought about my interests and looked for groups with the same. I've found it incredibly welcoming, and have been shocked with how strangers have welcomed me without judgement. It's just something to think about. Additionally, I know support groups (if there is a mental illness issue) can be a great source of friendship from people that know about your struggle. Most importantly though, I know it's hard. There's a barrier to familiarity that you have to break to open yourself to friends, it's not just about them finding you. Loneliness just finally got to me and I took the step. I wish you best of luck and please let me know how things turn out.

I have a similar problem with making friends, but with one weird hitch - it's like I know I should want to make friends, because being social is clearly a good thing and having friends is "normal". But there's a big part of me that doesn't want to because of the social anxiety that creates in me. For example, there have been people I've hung out with in the past year and I suppose I could kind of call them friends, but...if I'm being really honest with myself, I didn't want to go hang out with them. For the most part, they're okay people and everything, but I would have been much more comfortable sitting at home reading a book or something.

I don't have much in the way of advice, but I can definitely relate, if that makes you feel any better. I'm 37 and have pared down my friends list in the last decade to just a couple. It's amazing what happens when you stop drinking and acting like an idiot... All your drinking, shallow, immature friends vanish. But it's for the better. I needed to clean up that list. But now I'm in your boat. I don't know how to meet quality people. By quality, I mean people who are invested in self betterment, kind, enjoyable to be around... You know, probably people like you

I've done meetups with mixed experiences and have never developed an ongoing friendship. Work friendships are good, but I prefer to keep them at work. Volunteering is always an option, but again, I've had mixed experiences. I'm not religious so I don't have a church that I attend, which I think is where a lot of people meet friends. I'm considering joining a meditation center or something else related to mindfulness. I think those types of places would attract other quality people.

All that being said, for me, a big part of my problem is the anxiety related to forming new relationships with people. I'm always looking for red flags or clues about how they are going to be a shitty friend and violate my boundaries. It is really daunting for me and I usually just prefer to be by myself, even though I'm painfully lonely. I don't know what causes more anxiety - going out and having to act like I enjoy the socialization or staying at home and feeling like I should be out with friends pretending to enjoy the socialization.

*Gasp* I made this about me... I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that. I think you sound like a good guy, very kind and very thoughtful. I bet you will have no problem once you put yourself out there. I think it sounds like you made the right decision by cutting some people out of your life. If you felt the need to do that, it was probably necessary. I also think the resultant loneliness is not something you should punish yourself for, but rather think of your social life as a clean slate. You may be envious of your coworkers' friendships that have been around since kindergarten, but there's no telling whether those are healthy relationships. You may be getting jealous of the stability, but in reality, they could have a toxic dynamic that you don't know anything about.

To your point about meeting people who are both younger and not extrovert, cliquey types... Have you tried joining any recreational sports teams (if you're into that sort of thing) or a club for whatever hobbies you have? One thing I did to meet people was join the local community garden. I meet all sorts of nice, old ladies and occasionally young people. It's perfect because it's somewhat independent, but can be as social as you want it to be.

Best of luck, buddy! I hope something here helps.

Dear Mus Music,
I totally get where you are coming from. I've been trying to lead a healthier life which means less time around my friends who drink, and suddenly realized I didn't have anyone to hang out with. I would offer the advice--which you already know--of not to blame yourself, because our society is really set up wrong in that way. But some practical thoughts: I think you hit the nail on the head with volunteering and meetup and would encourage you to keep looking for ones that fit, perhaps even make a Meetup of your own if that's within your comfort zone. There are also various adult education options depending on your interests you might be able to find things going on at local community centers such as art, music, sports, or language classes. I helped set up a local branch of Sunday Assembly which is a sort of secular church, and one of our main goals was to help people make and maintain friendships, so if there's a Sunday Assembly near you, check it out. Also, look for mental health support groups, people going through the same sort of things make great friends since they get your challenges. Hope some of these things help, good luck!