YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I haven't posted on here in a while but I really need some help/comfort right now. Briefly, I am 32 years old and have been struggling with anxiety/depression for the past 12 years. I made it through a very unhealthy marriage that ended in divorce. Back on my feet again, I found my dream woman. We bought a house together and are getting married next year. She also suffers from anxiety and depression. When her anxiety gets really bad, I can be there for her. But I am not good at accepting help.

This weekend, I had my first anxiety attack in years. The kind that forces me back into bed and makes it very hard to do anything. It got a little better but then hit me again today. It leaves me feeling fearful, sad, and very anxious!

Has anyone here with anxiety dealt with being in a relationship with someone else that has anxiety? What approaches do you use to ensure you are helping each other without developing a co-dependency? How do deal with setbacks (aka anxiety attacks after you feel you are making progress)? My head is spinning right now and I just feel so alone with my anxiety.

Thank you

B

I don't know if this helps: I have anxiety, my wife has a terrible temper (due to her anxiety).

I have as my mantra: work on myself, work on myself, work on myself, because I cannot feasibly work on another person.

As for setbacks I remember: three steps forward, two steps back. Hey, even if it works out to be "20 steps back, and one step forward" at least I snuck in that one step forward!

Please take care, SonicCat24. Keep the lines of communication open.

Hello, SconicCat24. I don't have much in the way of ideas or advice to offer; I "cope" with my anxiety by isolating. I retreat quickly from others with anxiety, despite feeling compassion and kinship, because I know from experience that I just don't (yet) have the skills and stability to hold it together in the presence of more anxiety than my own. I think it's worth something that you have what it takes to seek relationships, and to actually be in a relationship, despite the complications and challenges.

It does seem like your situation is one that calls out for therapy and support groups for both of you, with maybe couples counseling at some point. Knowing that your partner has a support network, so that you have the freedom to take care of yourself (while knowing that nothing you do leads to her having no trusted support to turn to for help), is essential to any adult relationship, I think, but it's especially true where one or both partners have mental health challenges. Do you have access to that kind of help? Is your partner willing to be proactive and resourceful in managing her anxiety? Does she get it that she needs support outside your relationship? Your being willing to help her, but having trouble accepting help, does seem likely to make it an extra-difficult dynamic to power through without the benefit of outside perspectives.

Compassion to you. Take deep breaths when you can, to disrupt the reptile-brain's tendency to interpret low blood oxygen as proof of present danger. May you find some solutions soon.

Namu

Thanks, guys! Your responses really help me calm down and try to see things as they are.