Summer of trying to be courageous

[oak]

Hi friends.

This summer I am trying to be courageous, and report here now and then.

Report #1

Going to a restaurant alone

I don't have any friends in the small town I live in. I wanted to watch the US soccer game at the nearby bar/restaurant. I was ashamed to go by myself but went anyway. It turns out the bartender was completely lovely, and made me feel welcome.

Turn down a job offer

Humbled to receive a job offer, I declined it with appreciation, since accepting it would have spiraled me from paycheck to paycheck back (which is bad enough) back to working poverty (yikes!).

Newly emboldened, I had a brief and frank meeting with my current supervisor, letting this supervisor know that I am interviewing other places, and may get a job offer I'm ready to accept before a big big project coming up this fall. It went okay: I accomplished the four or five talking points I wanted to get across.

Thanks for listening. I have another two scary things to try this weekend! Update soon

[oak]

Update #2

Trying martial arts

At the recommendation of my good friend, I went to a nearby martial arts studio to try it out. I tried to look friendly, make eye contact, and start conversations, but they all ignored me. I stayed there a few minutes, and left in disgust (which I soon moved on from).

Anxiety score: 8.

I was super nervous, and generally I am made nervous by groups of aggressive-type men (gyms, bars). I allow myself to be both of the following at the same time:

1. I am a cis hetero male, who enjoys the company of individual men (I enjoy people, many of whom are men), or small groups of men. Lovely!

2. Nervous around large groups of men who feel they need to demonstrate that they have "something to prove".

2a. I am especially nervous around men who are drinking, for reasons I should post about sometime.

Visiting the nearest football supporters meetup

Anxiety score: NA

The US soccer team has a game tomorrow, and I'm not going because it is an hour each way. I'll definitely face this anxiety soon, but I am sick of driving for the weekend.

Happily, I hope to go to the bar/restaurant I was so scared to go to as recently as Wednesday! Anxiety is a plastic, adaptive sort of thing. Almost a dance.

Summary

Between a very difficult conversation at work yesterday, and my efforts listed above, I am burnt out on trying to be courageous, at least for the rest of this weekend.

Thanks for listening. Lots of love.

[rivergirl]

Hey Oak,

Congratulations on all of your courageous efforts!

I read your first post in this thread as I was thinking about skipping a history/archives event that I had planned to attend today. I wasn't feeling up to it emotionally, but I was inspired by your post to go anyway. I feel better for having been outside in a beautiful historic park full of orange groves and bougainvillea, getting in a lot of steps, hearing some passionate & funny historians, having a chat with a colleague that I usually interact with only by email, etc. Thank you for passing on a bit of your courage to me.

Keep up the dance & keep us posted on how it's going.

rg

[brownblob]

Great effort Oak. It is ok to be exhausted from your efforts and allow yourself to recover before being courageous again. I am a coward, but did go to a get together a friend I used to work with was having. I had anxiety, but the get together was basically a party for latinos so I didn't really have to be talkative since I don't know spanish. Said hello to everyone and just talked to a couple of people and drank a couple of beers(I don't like beer) and blended in. My friend was happy that I was there. It was weird, because I am not used to people being happy to see me or even noticing that I am there.

[oak]

Thank you my dear dear friends!

I am glad you found courage and enjoyed the presentation (RG) and party (BB). Much like the creature in The Wizard of Oz, I give each of you a medal for bravery.

I've not had any opportunities for courage since my last post, but I did want to say "thank you" here.

Much love.

[rivergirl]

You deserve one of those medals too, Oak!

[oak]

Thanks RG. I accept!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUvrtAUscR4

Quick report of 2.5 courages today:

Full courages

1. I had the difficult conversation of telling my elderly, ailing father that he succeeded in the work and responsibility life of a man, so he can face death with peace. He was moved to tears.

2. I tried the ji jitsu again, and once again they ignored me. I've asked the owner to meet him before the class to introduce me around. If not, I'm driving my self straight to the tae kwan do studio.

Half, or latent, courage

a. I was prepared to offer my two week's notice at my toxic work situation.

Ironically, once I decided I was ready to offer it anytime, I was less likely to!

In other words, once I demonstrate a modicum of control, instead of being at the whim and mercies of others, I can make more rational, long term goals.

Oh, I'm still giving my notice, and soon. As soon as tomorrow if need be. In the meantime I am doing some informal interviewing, being a bit cunning, career-wise.

heh heh heh

[brownblob]

I hope you find something better.

[oak]

Brownblob: thanks! I'm taking steps!

6-22 Bookend 1 of 2:

Because I promised my friend, I am trying jijitsu one last time.

The idea causes exhaustion and anxiety for many reasons: I am uncomfortable touching people I don't know; will I be concussed?

My limited criteria for success: (1) Drive out there and park (2) Ask to see the owner, who says he is expecting me. If he makes me feel welcome (unlike the other two times I've been ignored), I stay and do my best. If they ignore me I walk out and try tae kwan do.

I am very exhausted from trying. I'll post more here about nihilism of a cheerful, or at least not morbid, variety.

Is it worth it to try?

In a little lighter note, I have promised myself to stop by the library and check out a DVD of my favorite Hallmark movie (Surprised By Love), and to get takeout.

I know food isn't love, but I eat out only once or twice a month, usually takeout since I don't have any friends in town, and if I make it through this mental ordeal I am going to do it whatever the food shamers say.

[rivergirl]

I understand what you're saying about being exhausted from trying, Oak.

I hope you feel welcomed by the owner, but in either case congratulate you on making this plan.

Let us know how it goes!