Sometimes, running away from your problems is a good thing.
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 6:45 pm
As of this afternoon, I have officially (and for the last time) dropped out of school.
Severe social anxiety, depression, and panic disorders have made my life a living hell since graduating high school in 2010. I had suffered from these conditions for a long while before then, but they reared their collective ugly head when I left boarding school. Going to classes has been absolute hell for me, and I stopped going a few weeks back because I was overcome with an abundance of fear about the very notion of stepping foot in another classroom. Not anxiety; fear. Since starting college, I have been to one university, dropped out, took a semester off to have surgery for a medical condition, transferred schools and then back again, failed all but one class last semester, and finally completely withdrew from school this afternoon.
Let me tell y'all something: I feel on top of the world.
In six months, I have to begin repaying roughly $23,000 in student loans (thank goodness for scholarships that helped out a bit with cost!). My car loan will soon fall on me (my stepfather has been kind enough to pay it while I have been in school), and I will also be responsible for rent and living expenses. I am, for all intents and purposes, striking out on my own out of desperation.
I am terrified, but I can't help but smile. For the first time in three years, I feel like things will somehow work out. I'm no longer bound by the societal expectation of needing to get a degree that I never wanted, no longer trapped in the well-manicured jail of a university campus. I have, in essence, run away from my problems (or at least a major problem).
Do I feel a little bit like a coward? Sure. But the feeling will pass, and I know two things: One, that I will be better off for it, at least for now. I can get a job, start supporting myself, and continue going to therapy. And two, that I can always go back should I want a degree. I have been privileged to have the opportunity to take three years to realize that I never should have gone to school in the first place, and to come from a family who, while not necessarily understanding, has been supportive of my decision and has stood by me for the most part while I take my personal journey through hell on Earth.
Sometimes, running away from your problems is a good thing. Sometimes, it can open up new doors. Sometimes, it will set you free.
Severe social anxiety, depression, and panic disorders have made my life a living hell since graduating high school in 2010. I had suffered from these conditions for a long while before then, but they reared their collective ugly head when I left boarding school. Going to classes has been absolute hell for me, and I stopped going a few weeks back because I was overcome with an abundance of fear about the very notion of stepping foot in another classroom. Not anxiety; fear. Since starting college, I have been to one university, dropped out, took a semester off to have surgery for a medical condition, transferred schools and then back again, failed all but one class last semester, and finally completely withdrew from school this afternoon.
Let me tell y'all something: I feel on top of the world.
In six months, I have to begin repaying roughly $23,000 in student loans (thank goodness for scholarships that helped out a bit with cost!). My car loan will soon fall on me (my stepfather has been kind enough to pay it while I have been in school), and I will also be responsible for rent and living expenses. I am, for all intents and purposes, striking out on my own out of desperation.
I am terrified, but I can't help but smile. For the first time in three years, I feel like things will somehow work out. I'm no longer bound by the societal expectation of needing to get a degree that I never wanted, no longer trapped in the well-manicured jail of a university campus. I have, in essence, run away from my problems (or at least a major problem).
Do I feel a little bit like a coward? Sure. But the feeling will pass, and I know two things: One, that I will be better off for it, at least for now. I can get a job, start supporting myself, and continue going to therapy. And two, that I can always go back should I want a degree. I have been privileged to have the opportunity to take three years to realize that I never should have gone to school in the first place, and to come from a family who, while not necessarily understanding, has been supportive of my decision and has stood by me for the most part while I take my personal journey through hell on Earth.
Sometimes, running away from your problems is a good thing. Sometimes, it can open up new doors. Sometimes, it will set you free.
