Another anxious sunbeam
Posted: June 5th, 2013, 2:18 am
Does anyone ever think that their depression is caused by their anxiety? I know the two are often co-morbid, but I feel like my depression is the result of all the pulsing negativity in my mind every day! I am so tired all the time and have been told it's because of anxiety, but that just makes me feel like it's my fault. For years I've wished I could be diagnosed with something else that isn't meant to be easily fixable by therapy, CBT or mindfulness (e.g. chronic fatigue!! 
). I'm not very good at adhering to these things--whenever I take on a new 'technique' to deal with my worry and negative thoughts I can't seem to maintain it for more than two weeks. I feel like a total failure because of this, which makes me even more depressed. I feel like Michael Ginsberg from Mad Men, freaking out in a near-fetal position on the floor. My boyfriend tries to be Bob Benson in these situations. And we all know how annoying Bob Benson is (and possibly homicidal). Not that my lovely boyfriend is the slightest bit homicidal, I think it's just a case of what he hasn't experienced, he can't truly understand. He seems to have a 'suck-it-up' attitude to depression and anxiety... he thinks it's helpful to tell me to 'stop thinking like that'. I guess that technique has worked for him in the past, but for me--impossible.
Right now I'm studying and I need to do a lot of writing, which I'm finding a huge challenge. I'm meant to be writing right now. I'm meant to have 5000 words done in the next 12 days and I am so anxious about my ability that I thought maybe writing this post would be a better option than just doing it. Because I've been dealing with this kind of 'self-sabotaging' anxiety for about 15 years, I thought I had a handle on it. And since I've been taking Zoloft, my anxiety has been heaps better. But really, the only things that truly alleviate it are Xanax, alcohol and feeling like I've accomplished something. But these are all short-acting, short-term solutions and cause rebounds of anxiety after they wear off. Sometimes I just want to check out! But then, when I do something I'm proud of, my anxiety seems so insignificant. I bounce back and forth between this terrible state of rumination and nervousness to elation and feeling accomplished. I suppose this is why my doctor thinks I have BPD, because my mood can flip-flop often 3 or more times a day. Blergh! Yay brain malfunction!
). I'm not very good at adhering to these things--whenever I take on a new 'technique' to deal with my worry and negative thoughts I can't seem to maintain it for more than two weeks. I feel like a total failure because of this, which makes me even more depressed. I feel like Michael Ginsberg from Mad Men, freaking out in a near-fetal position on the floor. My boyfriend tries to be Bob Benson in these situations. And we all know how annoying Bob Benson is (and possibly homicidal). Not that my lovely boyfriend is the slightest bit homicidal, I think it's just a case of what he hasn't experienced, he can't truly understand. He seems to have a 'suck-it-up' attitude to depression and anxiety... he thinks it's helpful to tell me to 'stop thinking like that'. I guess that technique has worked for him in the past, but for me--impossible.Right now I'm studying and I need to do a lot of writing, which I'm finding a huge challenge. I'm meant to be writing right now. I'm meant to have 5000 words done in the next 12 days and I am so anxious about my ability that I thought maybe writing this post would be a better option than just doing it. Because I've been dealing with this kind of 'self-sabotaging' anxiety for about 15 years, I thought I had a handle on it. And since I've been taking Zoloft, my anxiety has been heaps better. But really, the only things that truly alleviate it are Xanax, alcohol and feeling like I've accomplished something. But these are all short-acting, short-term solutions and cause rebounds of anxiety after they wear off. Sometimes I just want to check out! But then, when I do something I'm proud of, my anxiety seems so insignificant. I bounce back and forth between this terrible state of rumination and nervousness to elation and feeling accomplished. I suppose this is why my doctor thinks I have BPD, because my mood can flip-flop often 3 or more times a day. Blergh! Yay brain malfunction!