YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I have struggled with anxiety, an eating disorder and depression for many years of my life. I have managed to be somewhat successful professionally and maintain a status quo in my adult life. Due to my eating disorder, I have to been able to be physically intimate with anyone - obsessing over m body and controlling my caloric intake and maintaining my excessive exercise regimen. I have recently made some steps in my recovery and have found someone I like alot. I have not found many people I wanted to date over the past several years. I have dated, but have never been able to let down a wall. I have found someone I am in lust with, yet I believe I am sabotaging everything by the bottomless worthlessness and insecurity I feel about myself. I have classic signs of some aspects of love addiction - wherein my emotional equilibrium is determined by the amount of love, attention and affection I am getting from them.

It is this reverse narcissism of sorts where I believe every “I’m tired” or “I feel off” has to do with me and their feelings towards me. I become excessively anxious and go into a worry obsessive mode. This has in the past driven people away. I’ve been involved in Alanon before and have had similar experiences in my past relationships. I somehow begin to believe that I need this individual’s approval to survive and validate me and my body and emotions almost go into survival mode.

I feel extremely strange, alone and defective (this is a standard default – I suffered from trauma growing up, hence the development of my Eating Disorder and other dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with what I felt was my innate brokenness). I am in therapy and have been in for several years. I’ve had excessive treatment for my eating disorder. I just don’t know how to keep the focus on me and how to maintain boundaries.

I am HIGHLY cognizant of the fact that I cannot have a healthy relationship with someone else until I can love myself, and I think I'm STARTING to get there. I've amassed so many therapeutic tools over the span of the last decade, but I can't seem to put it into practice.

Intellectually I know everything I am doing and the ways in which I am reacting are not helpful and hurt me. It's such a difficult pattern to break.

Can anyone relate?

Hello YogaChick, welcome to our little forum!

I, like you, cannot say that I have mastered "loving myself first". When one get stuck, it is probably time for "fake it until you make it". Just imagine how a person who properly loved themself would act, and copy that.

Obsessive thoughts - I find it helpful to journal all thoughts. Once you get them on paper you can deal with them. If you put it on paper, and commit to one act, lasting no more than 5 minutes or even 30 seconds, that will get you one tiny bit closer to some kind of closure, you will find that you have properly honored that inner voice. Over the long weekend, I was thinking about anxiety and fatigue and goals and responsibilities. I wrote those 4 things down as I was thinking about them. This morning, I took 90 seconds to jot some points under each in my notebook.

YogaChick wrote:Intellectually I know everything I am doing and the ways in which I am reacting are not helpful and hurt me. It's such a difficult pattern to break.

If it was easy, you would have mastered the new habits already.

I imagine I was coaching another through the steps of mastering new habits. To another person, I would be loving and patient. So I copy that when dealing with myself. I mess up all the time. I keep at it. I read a Bill Nye quote recently "Every day, chip away"!

Please take care, YogaChick, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Yes, yogachick, welcome to the forum.

I am glad to see you using your voice. Congratulations!

Also congratulations on your fine career. I also honor your efforts to find healing regarding your eating disorder: I believe Alanon is a organization of geniuses; they are really amazing. I am happy you are getting tools, and have the ability to observe your behavior. Well done.

I can't offer much advice, but I can offer my perspective of matters of heart. I am a 37 old guy who dates alot. Of course, I am a rake, so feel free to take or leave what I observe.

In the game of love, the hard reality is that anyone seeking to play the game has to be willing to experience rejection.

I wish this wasn't so, but I didn't invent the rules.

Another tough reality: in the game of love we can't seek validation from others. Well, we can, but then we hand our hearts over to someone who may not be worthy. Such is the risk.

I wish I could promise that you won't get hurt by this person. I can promise that there is a chance that you will end up hurt. It is the price of admission, really.

On the other hand, romance is a wonderful thing, and acceptance is often on the far side of rejection.

The only way to find love, lust, or like is to risk one's heart, to risk rejection.

But when the game of love clicks, it is really great.

It is worth the risk, in my experience.

Thank you for all your responses.

Last night we saw each other and I was a needy ball of insecurity and it's attitude towards me was palpable. I was ashamed that I required so much reassurance. Then I went home and continued to obsess about whether or not he was going to break things off with me. He knows me tendency to run away when I get scared and offered that maybe we should see other people, if that would make me feel more comfortable. This sent me into another mental tailspin that he wants to see other people.

I get so wrapped up in this visceral, physical response that I don't know how to pull myself out of this space of obsessive worry and insecurity.