YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Well, my obsession/insecurity came to a head the day after my first post.

The man I was seeing, whom I was best friends with for two years prior to us getting together. We split briefly because of my physical intimacy issues, then reconciled and after spending Tuesday together, Wednesday he informed me my insecurity was giving him extreme trepedation about our future.

I am not someone who can take things uncertainty lightly. I have to control, even if that means pushing it to the limit.
I pushed him, I laid everything out there. I was pathetic, I begged to see him. I am mortified at the degrading behavior I exhibited and I am absolutely convinced he thinks I'm nuts. I feel such utter and total shame for my reaction of hysterics.

I am trying not to contact him. He told me that while he doesn't think we're wrong for each other that we knows we are not ready for each other now. He said he believes that my heart is in it, but my mind is not. He said that he is seeing too many red flags that I am going to get scared of intimacy and run away.

Our relationship flourished many years ago when we were both away adn would exchange long, intimate emails. I have written one, but I know if I should not send it.
I know I should regain my self respect.
I had a moment of weakness last night and texted him to ask him if I still had anything at his apartment. He didn't respond. He typically always at least responds in a courtesy manner.

I had my heart closed off for so long that now that I've opened up, I don't know how to let go.
My entire self worth is wrapped up in him.
The rejection and abandonment is eating me at my core. I am the sort of person who either completely gets over someone and walks away OR holds on to a little hope. I need to not have any expectations.

This hurts like hell. It hurt so much to hear that his mind was telling him to stop falling in love with me because it would only end badly. I told him he was worth the risk for me, he said he didn't think I was to him. That cuts like a knife and I keep replaying it in my mind.

Anyone who made it tothe end of this and who responds I thank you. I'm in a dark place. I know I need to work on me. I know this without a doubt, I just feel so helpless right now.

Any kind words or thoughts on a severe codependent and depressive moving through a breakup - someone with trust issues - who finally let someone in - would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Yogachick,

I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much right now. I have been through a very dark place when I went through my divorce. However, once my ex said he wanted out, I didn't want to continue, so in that regard, my experience was different from yours. Despite the intense and dark feelings, you show a lot of strength in recognizing that co-dependence--not your friend's need to change the status of your relationship---is fueling your pain. Knowing this doesn't help the pain go away. It IS a start, and YOU are worthy of loving compassion just the way you are. Even right now. So, please know that I'm holding some loving compassion in my heart for you right now.

Hey yogachick.

Hang in there.

I honor your pain. I am sorry you are hurting, and at the same time I am very glad to see you using your words, using your voice.

My only perspective, as a guy: at least he was upfront and honest, clearly explaining why. At least he offered you closure.

That, of course, doesn't make you feel any better.

You took a chance. Cupid, who can be ruthless and cruel in September, can also suddenly turn kind in October or November. Love may show up at an unexpected time.

In the meantime I encourage you to grieve.

Hi Yoga chick-
I'm new here and just read your post. I can empathize for sure.. this was several months ago so is there any update??
how have you adjusted? have you two gotten back together?
have you noticed any change in your moods/behaviors?
I used to have extreme anxiety and self-doubt while in relationships.. then I was single for a good 9 months with no communication in a romantic way with any guy at all.. happiest 9 months of my life.

please update!

Oh my gosh, your post brings me back to my past relationship...I didn't know I was so codependent and yeah, it "hurt like hell." Now that I have more of a clear vision, I can understand the other side... The other person seeing "red flags" is a normal response. When you are that codependent, it's impossible to sustain a relationship, let alone a healthy one. Although I cried for two years after he dumped me and called him once a month "just to hear his voice." I'll never forget how hurt and lonely I was, but realized that I needed to become stronger. I read "Why Men Love Bitches" over and over again to cope. Although my now husband says "men don't love bitches," that wasn't the message of the book. It helped me to see that men don't want needy, clingy, codependent women. It's important for us to do the work on the inside and not be so emotionally dependent on men and others in general. It looks like you know the work you need to do and that's great. I know we get so weak and clingy sometimes, and it's not all of the time, it's just certain relationships make us feel weak and insecure. I think the guys have something to do with it too. Some men make the girl feel insecure because of his own insecurities or whatever issues he has. I know my ex was messed up, but I "loved" him anyways. I clung and clung until I finally realized he had another girlfriend. Although this is a painful experience, there's a lot you can learn from this.