YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Depression and I have been hanging out on and off for so long, that it's more like having one of those exasperating friends. And the depression is comparatively soothing after a few hours of unnecessary anxiety. I'm getting pretty tired of being a grown up...

Yeah, depression is preferable to anxiety. But I am scared of the deep despair and hopelessness that eventually comes from a long bout of depression.

I understand what you ate saying. Anxiety for me is here and now and causes attacks. Depression on the other hand is slow for me i feel it long before its reality. When i hit the bottom of the pit though i would rather have the anxiety instead. It passes the depression doesnt seem to its a slippery walled pit and i cant climb out. I have to have help every time it gets bad. Most of the time the anxiety is more like a blind fold in a train station there is constant noise you cant find where you are going and there is the chance the train is gonna hit you it freaks you out but then the train passes and your not freaked out till the next one comes along.. so at least there is a break..... for me atleast thats how it feels

Delilah - Exactly. I haven't been depressed in a few years. A few down days here and there, but not depression, you know? At the height of my anxiety late last year, I wished for a few weeks of depression just to sooth my frazzled nerves. Slowly but surely, I've gotten better at managing anxiety, but when it comes on, it's so overwhelming.

This post has been on replay in my head for the past week. I had a week of the strongest most breaking anxiety I have felt in a long time. Or at least it feels like it has been a long time. I find with anxiety I always think it is the worst I have ever had and that it will never end and I will be in fear for all eternity. Then the depression hit me, and honestly I was relieved. The feeling of emptiness and lack of connectivity with other people was so nice compared to the torment I felt thinking constantly that everyone hates me and that I am going to loose my job and prove that I am the complete lack of shit I always knew I was(except when I'm thinking logically of course).

Honestly I question if my depression is different from those who experience major depression. Anxiety is definitely my primary struggle. It is something I have struggled with since I was a kid and I don't remember being depressed really as a child. It was more that my mind was on hyper drive constantly. I think the depression usually only hits after I am so fried out from the anxiety that I can't function.

I describe my anxiety/depression similarly. Depression is what I originally sought treatment for in my mid-twenties when it got too much to handle. Over the last four years - since I had a "brief reactive psychosis" and changed everything about my life - I've not had the low lows, but anxiety is so much harder.

I understand what you are saying...I realized about a year ago that I've been swinging back and forth with anxiety and depression for years. When anxiety hits, it is so bad that I subconsciously turned myself towards depression. I would say things to myself to get me depressed just so I didn't have to feel anxious. And then I would be stuck in depression and it would suck because it is so hard to get yourself out of it.
For me, the anxiety would hit out of nowhere. I'd be doing fine and bam, it hits. It's mostly lonely anxiety--like I feel so lonely and alone all of the sudden. I do have social anxiety, so I don't hang out with friends that often. Usually, when I'm relatively stable, I try and hang out with them as much as my anxiety would let me. But sometimes, the loneliness would hit me so hard that it's paralyzing. Actually, I'm at that state today. That is why I am here. I just feel so lonely and the world is a cold place that doesn't give a damn about me. I feel physically sick and nauseous. I don't want to talk to a therapist today, I just want to connect with people and be able to be who I really am with them. I just can't do that with others and it is a bad spiral. In the past, I would just start calling people on my phone list, but that is not genuine and it doesn't help. I don't want to perpetuate the reputation of 'calling only when things are bad' and frankly, I want to deal with this head on instead of 'fake calling' people.
My mom is coming over later so we can talk, but I don't want to keep her as a crutch. She's not going to be there for me forever (yes, I have fears and issues about people passing away) so I need to start dealing with this on my own. Writing here helps a lot because I can finally be me when I'm depressed and not have to be fake.
Hope you are doing better.